Phyllis collects single mittens. She started about seven years ago when she came across a wool mitten lying on the sidewalk that had a ketchup stain in the shape of a smiley face. She took it home and sewed two buttons on it meant to be eyes. She’s now constantly on the look out for discarded or dropped mittens that she can decorate. She won’t shut the fuck up about it. She has 37 (24 left and 13 right). Phyllis works with Neil.
Neil collects joker cards. He’s done so since high school. He mostly steals them, sometimes from friends’ parties where card games are being played, sometimes whole decks from gas stations or convenience stores. Neil is friends with Marsha.
Marsha collects sticks, twigs, and small branches. She's clinically insane. Marsha lives next door to Lenny.
Lenny collects stories about food poisoning. He keeps them in the corner of his head for now but one day he plans to write a book. He has the habit of gathering such stories by initiating conversations with the words, “I’ve felt like shit all day today. I think it was something I ate last night.” As a result friends, family, coworkers, and casual acquaintances all find Lenny to be quite obnoxious.
Last Friday it just so happened that Phyllis, Neil, Marsha, and Lenny all found themselves at the same party.
Phyllis wore her two favorite mittens (both left-handed) as a conversation starter.
Neil kept asking if anyone wanted to play pinochle.
Marsha spent an exorbitant amount of time pacing around in the back yard looking for sticks.
Lenny kept up with his whole food poisoning story thing.
The night was well on its way to being one of the lamest, most mind numbing and pointless get-togethers in the history of the universe. Phyllis, Neil, Marsha, and Lenny all knew it but didn't have the capacity turn the tide. Then Hershel showed up with a keg of beer. Everyone cheered. Hershel collects human spines. He slaughtered everyone in what police later described as a sensational act of riveting blood lust, providing what everyone could agree was an exhilarating change of pace.
zeroth life lesson: sometimes God just likes to have a little fun. consider yourself lucky if you see it regardless of the irony or carnage.
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ReplyDeleteJimmy stares at his computer, but he's looking beyond the screen into that back corner of his mind, where he pictures that warm sunny day on that mountain. Sniff, fresh air. Blue-gray mountain ranges on the horizon. Canadian boundary in there somewhere.
Keyboard typing. Eyes back into focus.
Double-click.