Been there / Trisha Twistdemon

I get myself on the train

like I do every day.

Thousands of times.

I know the benches, windows, and doors.

Yet I can't say for certain

that I've ever rode in this car.

So similar in sound and structure they are.

So I stand here and wonder

if I've been here before

in this spot

or am I unknowingly

exploring someplace new

subjecting my eyes

to familiar visions yet up to now unseen.

It's such a beautiful notion

that a single tear wells.

It would've dropped to the dirty floor

thereby marking my presence

if it wasn't for a single thread of drool

which hangs from my gaping mouth

and hits the floor first.

Ballad of the hungover father / Curtis Strange

Six o'clock in the morning comes all too soon

when just 3 hours prior you were at the saloon.

But a wide awake kid simply does not know

you're in no state to read that Elmo book eight times in a row.

So you flip on the TV, put the kid in your lap

and hope the screen can be daddy as you take a quick nap.
This works for four minutes, possibly five.
Then you're waken to be told it's breakfast time.

So you grit your teeth and smile over the stove,

making scrambled eggs, wondering when you got old.

The smell makes you gag and the heat makes you sweat

as you answer repeated questions with "Not yet" "Not yet".

And you pretend that you're chipper and all full of spunk

to hide from your wife the fact that you're likely still drunk.

You take a shot at 'playing'. Put on the worst puppet show ever.

You get a look of pure boredom as your arms start to tremor.

You throw up just a little on your way to the park.

Lightheaded from walking, things start to go dark.
You make it, but barely, to a long row of swings
where you mindlessly push and take stock of things.

The day is still young, obligations still heaping,

and your childless friends are no doubt still sleeping.

But you somehow pulled through when many wouldn't bother.

That's why you have little doubt that you're an adequate father.

Easy way to perturb a small child / Bernard Pamphlette

If red is green and green is blue;

then apples are veggies and nightmares are true.

If left is right and right is wrong;

then the hand you eat with is as good as gone.

Spaghetti for breakfast and pancakes at night;

no crying in church and no cheating when you fight.

If you stand in your bed and sleep in your shoes;

then instead of cartoons you'll be watching the news.

If bunnies are girls and dragons are boys;

then teddy will die if you leave out your toys.

If mom says yes but dad says no;

go ahead and try it if the voices say so.

Hear it in your nose or feel it with your eye;

either one is possible if your face has been smashed in.

Hand, knee / Hershel Justice

when I need a spark in my life

something special just for me

I sit on the couch by my wife

and put my hand on her knee

not trying to get lucky

it's all innocent you see

there's no hankey or pankey

just a hand on a knee

she doesn't really get it

though I've been plain as can be

seems like such a good fit

my hand firmly on her knee

hold it there for a minute

maybe two if she agrees

be careful not to push it

just hold that hand on the knee

no words are exchanged

nor a glance from her to me

my fingers carefully arranged

one by one around her knee

a gesture simple and true

like a priest's guarantee

conformity's only cure

a quiet hand on a knee

the moment passes and is gone
back to our lives both we flee
but she knows it won't be long
I'll have my hand back on that knee

Epitaph / Reynold Lispensey

When this realm has thus passed;
and the younglings grown old;
there'll be no truer words;
than "so I've been told".

The project / Alvin Riddle

Corporate initiative for phase implementation of the department's primary sales system dubbed S.T.A.G.E.

Gotta book some facetime with the major stakeholders to ensure all interested parties are on the same page.

So I ping Jim Hoggart to block an hour in Lynn's schedule to review the current language in the initial client spec.

We go over best practices, run some figures, schedule break-out sessions, and reply with a request for a proof of concept.

Then I get a call from edit who has concerns of bandwidth so I spearhead an inquiry of resources in-house.

It's escalated to mission critical and leveraged to Barry who calls a meeting that I decline with the click of a mouse.

Phase 1 is nothing more than requirement gathering in hopes of effectively addressing the low hanging fruit.

Shouldn't take more than a week but I allow a full month in order to get sign off from the big-shot suits.

Phase 2 has twelve action items, half of which are not scalable, so I, with a full plate, declare a reach of critical mass.

This raises red flags so I have to take it offline and whiteboard it out out which is a pain in the ass.

Phase 3 is contingent on due diligence from production who must scrub the data and expedite process flow.

This dovetails into Phase 4 and the official baton pass to sales but not before we verify that our ducks are in a row.

I make it clear that system is by no means turnkey so we keep on a staff in case things go awry.

But at the end of the day the net result is growth, the net-net of which is an upshoot in your ROI.

When I grow up / Loaf

Livin' each day like it's my four-thousand-and-fourteenth

Just biding my time, leap when the man says jump

but somewhere deep down and dark, way underneath

I still got ideas 'bout what I'm gonna be when I grow up

batta - - - chim - batta

[robot voice] When I grow up

chim - batta

[sound of car horn]

I'd like to be the first guy they pay to see every movie

all by myself in my film room in space

then with a bad-ass pipe and a powdered wig so groovy

I rank 'em all from 'Heat' to 'The Man Without a Face'

batta - - - chim - batta

[robot voice] When he grows up

chim - batta

[sound of phone ringing]

Maybe I'll be a famous explorer of the underwater

discover several new species of poisonous fish

but I'll keep 'em all to myself and invent the elixir

then invite the assholes for dinner and serve a deadly dish

batta - - - chim - batta

[robot voice] Scuba certified

chim - batta

[sound of glass breaking]

Pick up a new hobby of kickin' leather
Have a fat guy pass me a ball from between his legs
my team wears tight pants and helmets all together
only work on Sunday after bacon and eggs

batta - - - chim - batta

[robot voice] When he fake punts

chim - batta

[sound of screeching tires]

I'll be a man on the run with my head on a swivel
gun tucked under my pillow every night of the week
that way when my girl wakes me to check out of the hotel
I can pull a gun on her each time and watch her freak

batta - - - chim - batta

[robot voice] Free HBO

chim - batta

[sound of gun shot]

I'll be the guy that starts fads like wearing shirts backwards

all the hot shit freaks lookin' to me for the next hot shit trend

the I'll laugh my ass off at people's funerals

and the rest of the world will never cry again

batta - - - chim - batta

[robot voice] How'd you know Kevin?

chim - batta

[sound of subway door closing]

See no matter what I do today or how the years pass
there's no need to sweat about drowning in my cup
I keep my options open, stay a huddled of the mass
haven't figured out what I'll do the day I grow up

[sound of man falling down the stairs]

[robot voice] Robot voice
chim - batta

The fat jogger song / Spoiler

Better make waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!

It's the overweight joooooooooggerrrrrrrrrr!

If you don't move you'll paaaaaaaaaaaaay!
It's the overweight joooooooooggerrrrrrrrrr!

Oh he'll huff and puff until he's red in the face;

He'll spit and drool all over the place;

He'll refuse to walk as if he's in some race;

It's the overweight jogger!

Oh here he cooooooooooooooomes!!
It's the overweight joooooooooggerrrrrrrrrr!
Is he chewing guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum?
It's the overweight joooooooooggerrrrrrrrrr!

He'll accidentally merge into the bike lane;

He'll grab his back to express his pain;

A man so fat running so fast must be insane;

It's the overweight jogger!

Holy fucking shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!!

It's the overweight joooooooooggerrrrrrrrrr!
Why doesn't he just quiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit?
It's the overweight joooooooooggerrrrrrrrrr!

He'll plow through a kid if he gets the chance;

Odds are 2 to 1 he'll crap his pants;

Yet he lumbers on as if in some trance;

It's the overweight jogger!

Will he pass ouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut??
It's the overweight joooooooooggerrrrrrrrrr!
Watch him stagger and there's no douuuuuuuuubt!
It's the overweight joooooooooggerrrrrrrrrr!

Watch his belly jiggle and his ass bob;
He'll pull his shorts out his crack like some fat slob;
Stomping on that pavement like it's his job.
It's the overweight jogger!

Oh Christ not agaaaaaaaaaaaaaaain!!
It's the overweight joooooooooggerrrrrrrrrr!
Gotta remember to tell my friiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiends!
It's the overweight joooooooooggerrrrrrrrrr!

Those 8 pints of sweat won't make him thin;
Those rubbing thighs will need mycitracin;
Safe bet he won't wear that t-shirt again.
It's the overweight jogger!

He's the overweight jogger!!
Why does he bother?
It's the overweight jogger!
It's the overweight jogger!
Big Fat Jogger!
Jogger!

Zich Reroth / Condominium

Far far from here so far from here that one cannot get farther;

there's a boy like me who lives a life sorta like but not from one another.

See we both like math and both drink juice and both have dogs named Sam;

Expect his math is science, his juice is tea, and his dog don't sit but stands.

When I clap my hands he always stomps his feet, each time he snarls I sneer;
When I can find the words he always says them out loud but he's so far away I can't hear.

But what we both don't know is that our polar friend walks through life rough and incomplete;

hungry, forlorn, detached, and sad until the gods see fit we meet.

So one day we both started digging a hole straight down for shits and giggles;

After 18 years and 18 days we met each other in the middle.

I said 'hey you, you're me' he said 'I'm you, but me too' and we laughed until we cried;

and there we stayed in the center of the earth holding hands until we died.

My 300th friend / Barb

299 friends on facebook
looking to add one more
click on "People You May Know"
to see what I have in store

There's Jennifer Savage-Roberts
I knew her as Jenny Savage
she was smokin' hot in highschool
but 3 kids and 50 pounds did damage

Michael Chevronoski
my best friend from 2nd grade
but his profile pic concerns me
he's wielding a switchblade

Some girl named Susan Tiller
we have 19 mutual friends
I've tried to add her fifty times
she ignores me time and again

I see a guy I used to work with
name is Phillip Stanahoustick
but browsing through his photos
I remember he's a prick

There's Kathy from accounting
we've maybe spoken twice
each time was utter torture
but man her ass is nice

What about Felix Cornwall Higgins
some guy I met once on a plane
he's poked me three times this month
but I'm fairly certain he's insane

Profile after profile
I start to see a trend
no matter how you slice it
I don't have 300 friends

MC door knob / Specimen

The doorknob of my bathroom door is made of shiny brass.

So every time I take a seat with last night's dinner set to pass;

I see my reflection in the knob and something feels not right;

like it's a hidden camera for some sick & twisted fetish website.

But I pretend it's a rap video and the next verse up is mine.

So as I drop a load I look at myself and toss up a gang sign.

There are 7 confusing ways they're remembering their 'their', 'they're', & 'there's / Crank

Write "over 'there'" instead of 'they're' when they're all like "Where's their chair?"

Did you know there's a word that joins 'they' and 'are'? It's called 'they're' and they're happy that their word is a star.

If they're talking about their location than 'there' is their word but if the subject turns to ownership they know 'their' is preferred.

The sentence, "Their standing over they're by there care bear's lair" has three misuses of the word, not just a pair.

'They're' is the word to use in the end when replying to a question like, "Hey there, who's their friends?"

'Everyone Runs Errands' is their way to keep it straight that the letters E R E go in 'there' and they're great.

"They're there and they're theirs" tell you what, where, and whose. "There they're and there their" is only written down by fools.

'Round the bend / Torpedo

Just another day in Tricksville

pick out a pair of pants
eat up a bowl of oatmeal
small bites - leave nothing to chance
umbrella in your knapsack
though cloudless skies extend
reach for the doorknob clueless
of what's comin' 'round the bend

oh it's comin' 'round the bend my friend
what's comin' 'round the bend
few see it in the distance
most fail to comprehend
oh prophets & kings they'll tell you
how things must start before they end
but they'll never ever warn you
of what's comin' 'round the bend

It's made of horns & feathers
it speaks in tongues of code
it's the polar end of standard
a spork in the homeward road
when lunch is a tuna sandwich

eight times out of ten

that doesn't mean you're safe of

what's comin' 'round the bend

oh it's comin' 'round the bend my friend
what's comin' 'round the bend
few see it in the distance
most fail to comprehend
oh prophets & kings they'll tell you
how things must start before they end
but they'll never ever warn you
of what's comin' 'round the bend

I'm not saying there's no value
in crossin' t's & dottin' i's
it keeps quarters in your pocket
it's vasoline on your thighs
but Tuesdays lead to Wednesdays

those weeks & months they tend to blend

so take heed when turning corners

cuz it's comin' 'round the bend

oh it's comin' 'round the bend my friend
what's comin' 'round the bend
few see it in the distance
most fail to comprehend
oh prophets & kings they'll tell you
how things must start before they end
but they'll never ever warn you
of what's comin' 'round the bend

what's comin' 'round the bend
what's comin' 'round the bend my friend
what's comin' 'round the bend
what's comin'
'round
the bend

Today was a good day / Toadstool

Just waking up in the morning gotta thank God.
I don't know but today seems kinda odd.
No snoozing through the beep, good sleep;
Start a new day with the last complete.
Hit the shower up, new bar of soap;
Trim up the phat beard makin' sure that I look dope.
Egg 'n cheese sammy to go as I hit the door.

Picking up the paper, lookin' hardcore.
I gotta catch the train, gotta do it by 8:10;
and when I swipe the metro it doesn't say 'swipe again'.
Step in the train, nab a seat;

Get to my stop, crossword puzzle's complete.

Coffee stand's got no line.

Here comes that bitch Lynn but the elevator closes just in time.

Fire up Outlook and check my schedule, ya'll.
Only got one meeting and it be a conference call.
Get me on Excel and it's on, bro.
Last week fucked around and built a macro.
Refreshing pivot tables every god damn which way.
I can't believe, today was a good day.

Time for lunch and hit up the deli.
Didn't forget to add peanut butter to my jelly;
Cause just yesterday them fools tried screw me.
Bag of Ruffles and a Coke and I'm back to work, G.
Clock hits 2, head to the meeting room
'Mr. Zeroth I presume.'
Chumps whack with the phone, client's pissed, might explode.
What's the haps with the moderator code?
Blackberry, sort by date, look it up, dial it.
Typing in that meeting number;
With the star seven, seven four seven, eight then eleven;
Seven star and we good to go. We talked about cash flow.
Client blew his shorts, and I'm yellin' 'told you so'.
Plus ice cream cake in conference room A.
Today was a good day.

Left my 9-5 around 4.
Picked up some drinks from the lady at the drinky store.
Shit's plutonic. She had the gin, she had the tonic;
mix 'em up and it's symphonic. I fell on the big fat sofa;
Pulled out the remote, and let cable take over.
And my Tivo digs deep, so deep, so deep;
found an episode of Quantum Leap!
Hit 'play' to have a look-see.
it's the one where Sam switches bodies with a chimpanzee.
Time to eat but fridge is empty.
Made that call to Pita Power; lamb shawarma's crazy tasty.
Buzzer rings, Pita guy hands me my sack.
Gave the dude twenty and he gives me two tens back.
Today was like one of those cab rides;
where you hit every green or run every yellow light.
No to-do list that needs doin'.
Trash is out, dishes clean, no foolin'.
Even got an email from my man Brad Pitt;
And it said, 'Heard you were the shit'.
I'm pretty drunk, but my wife's not pissed.
Not that she's one to get mad.  .  . whatever - you get the gist.
Road House is on!  What more can I say?
I got to say it was a good day.

March west, sing this, then dig / Dune buggy

First tap your foot to get the beat.

Sing this tune. When done, repeat.

Wrinkle, stinkle. Riddle and rhyme.

Half hole, half darkness. Turpentine!!

Now get off the couch, head to your shed.

Recite the words that I just said.

Wrinkle, stinkle. Riddle and rhyme.

Half hole, half darkness. Turpentine!!

Pick out a shovel, your very best.

Whistle this verse while marching west.

Wrinkle, stinkle. Riddle and rhyme.

Half hole, half darkness. Turpentine!!

We're half way home. Hey that's the spirit!
Don't be shy now let me hear it.

Wrinkle, stinkle. Riddle and rhyme.

Half hole, half darkness. Turpentine!!

Keep up the pace, right on through town.
Belt out your song to all around.

Wrinkle, stinkle. Riddle and rhyme.

Half hole, half darkness. Turpentine!!

You should pass Bridgemans on your right.
They got great ice cream, stop for a bite.

Wrinkle, stinkle. Riddle and rhyme.

Half hole, half darkness. Turpentine!!

Now back on track, march through the park.
Sing our jingle to dogs that bark.

Wrinkle, stinkle. Riddle and rhyme.

Half hole, half darkness. Turpentine!!

You see that statue? Stop right there!
You've reached the spot. No lie. I swear.

Wrinkle, stinkle. Riddle and rhyme.

Half hole, half darkness. Turpentine!!

Now ram that shovel down in the ground.
Dig to the beat of that good 'ole sound.

Wrinkle, stinkle. Riddle and rhyme.

Half hole, half darkness. Turpentine!!

About 8 feet down you'll find your prize.
Folks who've gathered won't believe their eyes.

Wrinkle, stinkle. Riddle and rhyme.

Half hole, half darkness. Turpentine!!

It's a Laser Rocket / Rocket Laser!
Thank me now and thank me later.

Wrinkle, stinkle. Riddle and rhyme.

Half hole, half darkness. Turpentine!!

Now stow that treasure in your pocket.
If anyone asks it's Nana's locket.

Wrinkle, stinkle. Riddle and rhyme.

Half hole, half darkness. Turpentine!!

Next time you're bored with life's old gig.
Just march west, sing this, then dig

Wrinkle, stinkle. Riddle and rhyme.

Half hole, half darkness. Turpentine!!

Two sides to every story / Flapjacks

When life throws me a doozy
and I'm feeling ill-equipped
I look to a man called Righty
who gives this handy tip

Take it as it comes
Steady as she goes
Roll with the punches
cuz Lord only knows

Now this sounds fine and dandy
but to be extra sure
I ask a man named Lefty
who offers this simple cure

Duty calls
Full steam ahead

Balls to the wall
Sleep when you're dead

Now more confused than ever
with two sides butting heads
I take my own advice
and crawl back into bed

They'll never find me / Thimble

I found this spot behind the shed where the nettles grow and the beetles dwell

They'll look for me until I'm dead or I'm dragged back down to the depths of hell

I fit between the rusty can and the broken glass by the weather vane

They'll slither right by without a glance as they gnash their teeth and curse my name

I lay face down right in the dirt with my eyes closed tight and my chapped lips sealed

They'll spit and scream with their need to hurt as they ransack nearby farms and fields

I disappear in the dust and nails so my tortured soul floats to lands unseen

They'll cease their search when they find my trail for their spirit's caught in the in between

Party 24-7 / Ejector seat

It's midnight on a Thursday.
Set my alarm for 6:15.
But that's alright cuz Friday night;
I'll party like I'm nineteen.

By 1 am I'm sleeping.
Some snoring as I dream.
But that's alright cuz Friday night;
I'll party like I'm nineteen.

2 in the morn it's quiet.
My slumber is pristine.
But that's alright cuz Friday night;
I'll party like I'm nineteen.

At 3 am you guessed it.
Good shut eye is the theme.
But that's alright cuz Friday night;
I'll party like I'm nineteen.

About 4 o'clock I wake up.
Head to the can to pee.
But that's alright cuz Friday night;
I'll party like I'm nineteen.

Come 5 am I'm rested.
But I'm still about catching z's
But that's alright cuz Friday night;
I'll party like I'm nineteen.

6 in the morn I'm at it.
Greet the day like it's my thing.
But that's alright cuz Friday night;
I'll party like I'm nineteen.

Clock strikes 7 and boo-ya!
Brushin' teeth so they stay clean.
But that's alright cuz Friday night;
I'll party like I'm nineteen.

At 8 o'clock I'm outtie.
Gotta catch that 8:15.
But that's alright cuz Friday night;
I'll party like I'm nineteen.

9 bells is when I clock in.
Work sucks as you'll agree.
But that's alright cuz Friday night;
I'll party like I'm nineteen.

Friday 10 o'clock meeting.
More teamwork is the theme.
But that's alright cuz Friday night;
I'll party like I'm nineteen.

By 11 am I'm starving.
Gut sounds like a machine.
But that's alright cuz Friday night;
I'll party like I'm nineteen.

It's nooner and its chow-time.
Great egg rolls at Chin Lee's.
But that's alright cuz Friday night;
I'll party like I'm nineteen.

1 pm's the time for spreadsheets.
At pivot tables I'm the king.
But that's alright cuz Friday night;
I'll party like I'm nineteen.

It's 3 and it's Carol's b-day.
Cake served with ice cream.
But that's alright cuz Friday night;
I'll party like I'm nineteen.

Come 4 pm I'm jonesing.
Getting sick of the routine.
But that's alright cuz Friday night;
I'll party like I'm nineteen.

Clock strikes 5 it's go time.
Turn off that computer screen.
But that's alright cuz Friday night;
I'll party like I'm nineteen.

Belly up to the bar by 6.
I'm the first one at the scene.
But that's alright cuz Friday night;
I'll party like I'm nineteen.

By 7pm it's ugly.
I've upchucked on my jeans.
But that's alright cuz Friday night;
I'll party like I'm nineteen.

The hour that's 8 is hazy.
I may have kissed Irene.
But that's alright cuz Friday night;
I'll party like I'm nineteen.

By 9 o'clock it's over.
So drunk that I can't see.
But that's alright cuz Friday night;
I'll party like I'm nineteen.

Stumble to my door by 10.
I think I've lost my keys.
But that's alright cuz Friday night;
I'll party like I'm nineteen.

11 o'clock what happened?
Wife greets me with a scream.
But that's alright cuz Friday night;
I'll party like I'm nineteen.

It's midnight on a Friday.
Failed to meet my guarantee.
See that's my plight cuz on Friday nights;
I party like I'm thirty-three.

Mr. Motivation / Boar

If you ever feel like you've figured it out
like the days ahead are no longer in doubt
I suggest you speak to my dear friend
as some needed advice he'll gladly extend

He'll take your goals and rip them in two
your best laid plans he's likely to screw
Not because he's mean and not because he's terse
but because his outlook is rather adverse

You'll find him when you're running late
getting ready for an important date
and as you decide - candy or bouquet
"You'll never make it" is what he'll say

He's in your ear when your in your car
and the light turns yellow but you're oh so far
in the moment of choice between gas and brake
"You'll never make it" is the statement he'll make

He's right behind you when your at work
as you fight off sleep and your head starts to jerk
and just as you begin meeting number three
"You'll never make it" is what he'll decree

Or maybe she's left you and you just can't take
another night alone, another foolish mistake
as you try to find hope in the mirror and stare
"You'll never make it" is what he'll declare

So on your last day when your last chance has gone
although you've tried your best just to prove him wrong
find peace in the words he repeats as you pass
while you may have never made it - nobody ever has

zeroth life lesson: relax man. it's all pointless anyway.

Track back / Sea spray

Rip it down, tear it up
Place your saucer on a cup

Eats his grub yet spits his food
Sometimes horcked, sometimes chewed

Got nothing left but did it right
Beat Carla in a tickle fight

Suck a lemon, squeeze a lime
Life will kill you all the time

Going forward in reverse
Went to your birthday in a herse

Flex your brain, let your mind relax
Long distant phones calls from your fax

Ran a mile then walked a foot
Take time to aim but don't dare shoot

Got drunk on wine, sober on grapes
studs, dweebs, burritos, crepes

The slacker's baked, the worker's fried
A winner's shame is a loser's pride

Slits her wrists then claps her hands
Marilyn Mansons, Peter Pans

Break a bone, crack a smile
Hit the road, stay awhile