Mr. Beautiful / Cat nip

Clyde Clover appreciated the site of a beautiful woman. He often saw them on the bus, at 7-11, the grocery store, the mall, airport, Arby's, laundromat, etc. They were everywhere. He'd acknowledge them with a subtle shake of his head - maybe an inaudible sigh, a raised eyebrow, or a bite of his lower lip. Nothing overt or otherwise noticeable - after all, beautiful women knew they were beautiful, they sure didn't need to hear Clyde's confirmation.

Yet deep down he longed to let them know. He kept his appreciation to himself for their sake as each time he held his tongue his heart came a little closer to exploding. He felt very alone.

Then one day when taking out the trash a breathtaking woman walked by. Before his mind had time to decide between a head shake or a sigh his mouth had already taken charge.
"I think you are beautiful," he said.
The woman stopped dead in her tracks, gave him a confused look, and said "Thank you" before walking away.

Clyde felt incredible. He went back into his apartment and started shadow boxing for no reason in particular.

The next day on his way to work he told three women on the bus they were beautiful. All three of them were thrilled but the other seven women on the bus were a little peeved. While ordering lunch he told a cashier she was beautiful. She blushed but the woman standing behind him couldn't help but feel a little slighted. He enjoyed telling women they were beautiful so much he almost told his mail lady that she was beautiful before he realized she was quite ugly.

Over the next few weeks Clyde gained quite the reputation. If Clyde thought you were beautiful he'd let you know it. On the other hand it you weren't his cup of tea his silence could be deafening. Women started picking up on his tastes. Clyde liked his women tan with pony tails and green shirts. Women modified their looks accordingly regardless of their boyfriends' or husbands' protests. "You never call me beautiful anyway," was their retort.

Soon enough every woman wore a pony tail. Green shirts were sold out across the city. Tanning beds appointments were booked six weeks in advance, At first Clyde was on cloud nine and reacted accordingly. There were days when he got on the bus and he could answer all the women's hopeful glances with a blanket, "You are all beautiful women!" All the women would cheer in reply.

But then things started to get more complicated. The original tan pony-tailed women with green shirts felt resentment towards the "posers" who had recently started trying to look like them. Scuffles would break out between between "pures" and "posers" when they jostled for position as Clyde came walking down the street. The other men in town got jealous of Clyde and would often curse his name, deflate his bike tires, or try to trip him.

Clyde changed as well. The "pures" who he originally saw as beautiful soon grew tanner, wore thier pony tails higher and dyed their shirts greener until they no longer were beautiful. Frankly they looked ridiculous. The "posers" followed suit thinking they needed to look like the "pures". When Clyde quit calling them beautiful the the whole town went berserk.
"But we did it for you Clyde!" they screamed, "You think we like wearing a pony tails on our foreheads?"
"Look what you did to our women!" screamed the men "they all have skin like a professor's weathered briefcase."
Clyde screamed too. Then he moved to a different town.

There Clyde married a pale girl with curly hair and a blue shirt. She was the most beautiful woman he's ever seen. He's never told her though.

zeroth life lesson: beauty's at its brightest when left unacknowledged.