Keep your shirt on / Bacon wrap

"Jamie Simpkins is here. Holy Shit!" thought the fat kid as he unlatched the gate and walked into the pool area.

It was Billy Tilson's birthday party. The fat kid and Billy used to be best friends but they didn't hang out as much anymore. Billy had a killer jump shot, cool clothes, a cool haircut, and a pool. None of which Billy had a couple years ago and all of which the fat kid pathetically lacked. The only reason he had come to the party is because he was hoping Billy and him would get to hang out like they used to - maybe order some pizza and make some prank phone calls. A quick scan around the pool revealed he was sorely mistaken. Half the school was here, including the very love his life.

He would not have come if he knew Jamie Simpkins was going to be here. Yet there she was, relaxing on a floaty in the pool in her bathing suit. Oh my god she was in her bathing suit.

The whole "T-shirt issue" now took on a much greater importance. Much to his dread all the other boys had bare chests. If he followed suit he'd expose his paunchy gut, his flabby pecs - a site sure to nauseate Jamie Simpkins. If, however, he kept the T-shirt on, classmates would be sure to ask why. He quickly complied a list of possible justifications:

- I'm protecting a sun burn.
- I just had heart and lung surgery and the doctor says I need to keep it on.
- Oh. I guess I am. Didn't even notice. Did you hear that Trevor got a motorcycle?
- My dead grandma gave me this shirt and I promised her I'd never take it off.

That's the one. Dead Grandma. Perfect. He decided to keep the T-shirt on. He got into the pool.

Things were going fine until root beer floats were served. The fat kid climbed out of the pool to get in line when he heard the inevitable question.
"Why are you wearing a T-shirt?"
The fat kid turned around to deliver the 'grandma' excuse when he saw himself face-to-face with Jamie Simpkins.
He froze.
His mind went blank.
He stammered as he clumsily attempted to peel the dripping T-shirt from his undulating body. It got stuck around his head and he panicked before giving the soaked garment a violent pull. It sprang free of his neck suddenly and the momentum caused the wet T-shirt to slap Jamie Simpkins in the face. She cried out before she stumbled backwards, fell into the pool, and drowned.

The Simpkins family pressed charges. There was a trial. The fat kid was forced to take of his shirt in the courtroom during a reenactment of the alleged crime. The jury laughed. They found him guilty. They also found declared him insane for some reason. He did time. It was ugly.

The fat kid never took off his T-shirt again. To this day he sticks with the 'dead grandma' excuse.

zeroth life lesson: just because life's dealt you a bum hand doesn't mean you can flip it in your favor with an single act against your better judgment. hide your faults with all your might.