Coverage of the controversial contents of the fabled Pekensmythe briefcase: Part II / Tugboat

[Turning on television]
This is Ryan Seacrest and welcome to Tricksville. Unless you’ve been living under a rock the past 3 weeks you know what we’re here to do. At midnight tonight, in just a few minutes, the briefcase of J.B. Pekensmythe will be opened for the world -

[Flipping to channel 7]
for the world to see.
The little town of Tricksville has become the center of national attention as interest surrounding J.B. Pekensmythe’s briefcase has caught fire. Not since the little baby who fell into the well in Texas or the water skiing squirrel from Tuscan has local story -

[Flipping to channel 12]
has a local story united the country with such fascination.
But before the main event we have plenty of other entertainment in store with limited commercial interruption thanks to our sponsor Chevrolet. Chevrolet – 'Our Country, Our Truck' which is proud to present the Chevy Silverado now with the OnStar turn-by-turn navigation system. Let’s head down to Maya Angelou as she straddles the briefcase and reads-

[Flipping to channel 9]
and reads her new poem titled, “Briefcase of Hope, Briefcase of Briefcase”.
'Modest briefcase wonder of my secrets enshroud.
I'm not leather or engraved to make a rich man proud.
But when you contemplate my contents,
The world absolute is wowed.
I say fear not meek soul
It's merely a clasp away
A flick of the wrist,
A creak of a hinge,
You get the jist.
I'm a briefcase
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal briefcase,
That's me.'
{crowd erupts in applause}

[Flipping to channel 10]
{over the deafening crowd noise}
It’s almost go-time so let’s go to George Clooney live via satellite who’s with famed physicist Steven Hawking ready to perform the final countdown by alternately naming digits in reverse order.

Clooney: 10
Hawking: 9
Clooney: 8
Hawking: 7
Clooney: 6

[Flipping to channel 10]
Clooney: 6
Hawking & Clooney: 5
Clooney: Whoops
Hawking: 3
Clooney: 2
Hawking: 1

{J.B. PEKENSMYTHE'S BREEFCASE IS OPENED}

Ryan Seacrest: I see. . . I see. . . a mule with the head of Casey Kasem.
Local firefighter: It's an undiscovered ocean!
Mayor Gasbag: I see a tiny spaceship!
Local preacher: Nothing but candy wrappers.
Maya Angelou: {speechless}!?!?
Local dogcatcher: Catnip!
Steven Hawking: It’s what I figured.
Local bartender: I see a keg of O’Doul’s.
George Clooney: True Love!
Me: It appears to be an angel dipped in peanut butter and rolled in coarsely chopped aspirations.
You: It’s an invitation to a party with free booze, unpleasant people, amazing food, and a shitty band.

[Turning off television]
After setting down the remote, J.B. Pekensmythe sighs. He removes his top hat and dabs his forehead with a handkerchief made of fine imported silk. He finishes his snifter of aged brandy and rises from his 85 hundred dollar sofa to head up the extravagant spiraling staircase that leads to his sleeping quarters. Tomorrow is a big day. He needs to buy another breefcase.

zeroth life lesson: curiosity left unchecked eventually leads to uncharacterizable hysteria and possible bad television programming.