[Turning on television]
- it’s contents remain a mystery. No one's ever got near J.B. Pekensmythe’s briefcase. It was common knowledge that if you saw ole’ J.B. shuffling down the street's of Tricksville and you got too close to his briefcase you were likely to get a verbal drubbing the likes–
[Flipping to channel 7]
-Channel 7 has obtained exclusive footage of Mr. Pekensmythe taken from local security cameras where he felt his briefcase was being targeted. Be forewarned that the clip you’re about to see contains language graphic in nature.
-“Good morning to you Mr. Pekensmythe. Treat of a day isn’t it?”
- “GET AWAY FROM ME YOU LOUSY PIECE OF SHIT! YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING TO STEAL MY BREEFCASE? GUESS AGAIN ASSHAT! NOT IN THIS LIFETIME DICKFACE! IN YOU'RE DREAMS COCKWAD! NOT ON MY WATCH FUC-
[Flipping to channel 9]
-Did you ever get a look into the briefcase?
-Lord no. I don't think anyone ever did.
-Any speculation as to what’s inside?
-Hell if I know. I remember when we were kids we used to think he kept eyeballs in his carryall.
-You mean briefcase.
-Right. Anyways if he ever got you he’d take your eyeballs and keep them in there until your birthday when he’d show up at your house, take them out, and eat them like grapes.
-Griping. Back to you Nancy.
[Flipping to channel 12]
-Here I am with Mrs. Loretta Boyd. Mrs. Boyd is it true that you knew J.B. Pekensmythe?
-I suppose I knew him as much as anybody in Tricksville did. A vile and crotchety old man who wandered the town’s streets all day with no apparent purpose or destination, always clutching that damned satchel.
-You mean briefcase.
-Right. And my what a mean old bastard he was. I remember just a few weeks ago we happened to cross each other in the street. I was minding my own business when -
[Flipping to channel 7]
"I SAW THAT YOU MISERABLE CUNT! YOU WERE TRYING TO SWIPE MY BREEFCASE! YOU MAY THINK YOU'RE PRETTY SMART ASSWIPE BUT YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO TRY HARDER THAN THAT"
Rude? Indubitably
Paranoid? Unequivocally
Insane? –
[Flipping to channel 16]
-One word? How about 'Misunderstood'. I happen to know that J.B. didn't exactly grow up with a room full of toys, a pet dog, and a loving mother and father. He was the bastard son of a bastard son who started working at the Sharp Metal Mill at the age of four just so they could afford a table on the floor - forget about putting food on the table. I’m not saying he’s the nicest guy in Tricksville but you get to talking to folks in this town and you swear the devil himself was roaming the streets. All I’m saying is there’s a history behind that man that made him the way he is.
-He actually did have a pet dog growing up though didn't he?
-Oh right. . . I guess he did. Forgot about Patches. I think you're missing the point though. What I'm saying is -
[Flipping to channel 5]
-For those of you who may have just joined us we're just getting word now that local nutjob J.B. Pekensmythe's briefcase has been found on the corner of Union and Main, just outside Clem's Corner Deli. We're going live now to Chuck Bernaduck in Tricksville who's at the scene.
-Thanks Claudia. As a crowd starts to gather here outside Clem's, folks are not only wondering if we're about to find out what's inside old man Pekensmythe's briefcase but also what happened to the decrepit codger himself. It's been well documented that Pekensmythe never parted with his briefcase, verbally assaulting anyone who dared come-
[Flipping to channel 7]
“YOU SNEAKY BASTARD! I SEE YOU EYING MY BREEFCASE. YOU EVER HEAR OF A LITTLE SOMETHING CALLED PERSONAL PROPERTY YOU SON OF A BITCH? I’VE GOT A RIGHT MIND TO CALL THE SHERIFF ON YOUR ASS! NOW PISS OFF!!”
[Flipping to channel 16]
-It just doesn't make any sense. As loathsome as that man was he sure loved that attache.
-You mean briefcase.
-Right. Believe you me J.B. Pekensmythe is either dead or somewhere dying. There's no way he left it there intentionally. Unless it's a trick of some sort.
[Flipping to channel 10]
Top ten guess at what's in J.B. Pekensmythe's briefcase.
{drumrolllllllllllllllllllll}
#10. Apple cores, banana peels, melon rinds
#9. Centipedes. Thousands of them.
#8. Deflated inflatable novelty penis
#7. Gym clothes
#6. Live bald eagle
#5. Several pornographic magazines
#4. Dead bald eagle
#3. Papers. Just papers. You know, my papers. Business papers.
#2. Blueprints for flying ninja robot
#1. A slightly smaller briefcase
Ladies and Gentlemen we’ll be right back. Debra Winger will be joining us. Stick around.
{audience applause}
[Flipping to channel 13]
-I'm here in Tricksville where as we speak the town hall meeting is taking place where there's been fierce debate over what to do with the infamous briefcase of J.B. Pekensmythe. Many say open it. Others say destroy it. Crazy Mayor Gasbag has been quoted as saying he wants to shoot it into space. We've heard reports that the Mayor has left the meeting in disgust but not before removing his astronaut belt and whipping the table several times as a protest of some sort. We'll continue to report any late breaking information as it unfolds but as for now, the saga continues, the briefcase remains closed and J.B. Pekensmythe is nowhere to be found. Back to you Tanya.
[Turning off Television]
zeroth life lesson: don't dismiss the eccentric man who has something to hide. find it instead.
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