Rant from "No Tomato" Steve / Mallet

They don't make any difference. Tomatoes on a sandwich. I buy them on a whim at the grocery store thinking, "Hey, these tomatoes could really jazz up those sandwiches. I think I'll go ahead and buy more than I'll ever use." The next morning I'm wasting precious seconds inadvertently pulverizing them with a dull steak knife in an attempt to add slices of pure triviality to an otherwise perfectly functional lunch. Time that could have been spent watching sports center.

Slapping the snooze button one more time sure would be nice but I've got a sandwich to not improve.

Take two guys who eat lunch in their cubicle every day from 1:00 to 1:08 and you give one guy a tuna fish sandwich and you give the other guy a tuna fish sandwich with tomatoes and tell them to have at it. Take a walk to the copying machine and back and I'd be willing to venture you'd return to find both equally as miserable as before. Only difference is one of the guys doesn't have the burden of pondering the pointlessness of tomatoes.

It impresses no one. At least a tomatoless sandwich is honest.
Meat with handles.
Depressing and practical.
I finish eating a sandwich with tomatoes and all I can think is what a waste of time, money, and thought. I don't remember the taste. I don't feel healthier. They add nothing.
Texture you say? Get a life.
Vitamin C you say? Fuck off.
Is it a fruit or a vegetable? Blow me.

People who put slices of tomato on their sandwiches are the same assholes who you see brushing their teeth in the restroom after lunch. Can't leave well enough alone.

In fact, I knew guy who not only put slices tomatoes in his sandwich, he actually kept the slices in a separate plastic sandwich bag, only adding them to the sandwich right before he ate it.

He was a fucking joke.