Crack tally / Snorkel

People always come up to me on the street and say, "If you could ask God one question, what would it be?" And I’m always tempted to respond with a classic like, ‘What is the meaning of life?’ or ‘Will mankind ever be able to travel through time?’ but I always can't help but think that if I had the opportunity, I’d ask God a completely random and original question that no one else would know the answer to. Something along the lines of - "Compared to the rest of the human race, how am I faring as far as not stepping on cracks?" Because I'm pretty good about remembering not to step on cracks when walking down the street. Good enough that I'd like to think I rank in the top 10% in the history of the universe. 

And it would probably throw God off a little. 

He’d be like, “Cracks? . . . You mean like on the sidewalk? . . . The whole 'step on a crack and break your mom's back' thing? . . . That's your question? . . Why would you want to? . . Just a minute. . . . OK here it is.  You've stepped on a grand total of 218,489 cracks in your lifetime."

And I'd say, "Is that pretty good?"

"Oh.  It's OK I suppose.  I've seen better."

"Am I in the top 10%?"

"Close.  87th percentile for individuals in your same age bracket.  Top 13% all time."

“What about Rod Teagles?  Am I beating him?"  

“Hold on let me check. . . Rod Teagles from Eagan, Minnesota or Rod Teagles from Akron, Ohio?"

"Eagan, Minnesota."

"Alright. . . Huh.  How about that.  You and Rod Teagles are tied."

“Wow!  I guess Rod Teagles took that bet back in 4th grade as seriously as I did.  I better keep remembering not to step on cracks."

"'Yeah, I guess."

"What about the other Rod Teagles?"

"The one from Akron, Ohio?"

"Yeah, that guy."

"You're destroying him."

"Thanks God."


“No problem.”