Alternative slang / Coil

A diamond in the rough = A frisbee on the roof
A shot in the dark = A swing at the mirror
Ace in the hole = A grape in my coat pocket
Against the grain = Not what Aunt Carol said
Balls to the wall = I actually wouldn't change this one. 'Balls to the wall' is perfect
Barking up the wrong tree = Walking into the wrong apartment
Behind the eight ball = On the F Train during rush hour
Between a rock and a hard place = On the L Train during rush hour
Birds of a feather flock together = They're a couple of dicks
Bite the bullet = Bam your elbow on the nightstand
Blind leading the blind = Deaf yelling at deaf
Break a leg = Smash a barstool on your back
Bring home the bacon = Pays for the Brita replacement filters
Burning the midnight oil = Watching MacGyver repeats
By the skin of your teeth = That thing almost chopped your head off right then
Chip on his shoulder = Dale on his heel
Close, but no cigar = You still need 75 more tickets to get anything on that shelf
Cold turkey = Straight Jimpy Holmes (The word 'Holmes' is optional)
Cut to the chase = Meet at the flagpole
Dark horse = Mark Torse
Dressed up to the nines = Pulled some price tags
Face the music = Eat your couscous
Field day = Arts and Crafts class
Finger lickin good = Trash digging tasty
Flash in the pan = Jizz on the rug
Fly on the wall = Nightvision goggles in the closet
Go out on a limb = Assume the liqour store's open
Hold your horses = The zoo doesn't open till 10
Keep your chin up = Don't let Larry get to you
Knock on wood = Hit Ctrl Alt Delete
Know the ropes = Introduce you to Larry
Mind your p's and q's = See explanation for 'Balls to the wall'
Nip in the bud = Apply pressure to the throat area
Pull out all the stops = Remove the traffic lights
Put your best foot forward = Give 'em the 'ole James Earl Jones
Red tape = Marbles on the floor
Rise and shine = Time for toast
Saved by the bell = Pulled a Slater
Smoke and mirrors = A magical robot
Sour grapes = Funky Chiraz
Spitting image = Luggie look-a-like
Stone's throw = Softball toss
Turn the tables = Reverse the door hinges
Wet behind the ears = Still has placenta is his/her hair