Note left for Kelly / Spigot

Hi Kelly!

Thanks so much for house sitting! We really appreciate it. Please make yourself at home. The fridge is stocked and there's plenty of frozen pizzas in the freezer.

We get HBO - channel 501 -and Showtime - channel 532 - so there shouldn't be a shortage of movies to watch. I think 'Dan in Real Life' just came out. We watched it just the other night and thought it was pretty good.

The remote controls aren't as daunting as they appear. The big silver one turns on the TV. Just use the 'Power' button. The older looking black one with the green electrical tape changes the channels and controls the volume. The shiny black one is for the sex swing. The others should be ignored. In fact don't even look at them. They are optic remote controls that are operated by eye contact. They control the ceiling, floor, and most of the walls.

If you could do us a favor and check the mail everyday that would be great. We keep the mailbox locked (my wife frequently orders extremely delicious gourmet sandwiches by mail that are often stolen and eaten by the various snobby foodies who aimlessly wonder the neighborhood, hence the lock). The key to the mailbox is located in the upper right drawer of the medium sized bureau in the master bedroom. Even though the drawer says "Sleeping Bats" feel free to open it up to get the key. Be careful not to confuse it with the upper right hand drawer of the medium sized dresser - also in the master bedroom. That drawer also says "Sleeping Bats" but SHOULD NOT BE OPENED UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!

A few other tips and things to keep in mind:

On Tuesday a man claiming to be Tim will stop by at precisely 8:15 am. DO NOT LET HIM INSIDE BECAUSE WE DON’T KNOW WHO HE IS OR WHAT HE WANTS. He talks backwards and any purpose or meaning to his weekly visits is masked in indecipherable babble. We’ve left the video camera near the front door so that when he does arrive you can videotape his incessant, nonsensical rambling. He'll try to wiggle his way into the house but can be pretty easily fended off using the push broom by the coat rack. After about 45 minutes he'll give up and make his way to the Kessler's place next door. Once he's gone you should be able to play the videotape backwards to make out what he was saying. It would be great if you could transcribe anything you're able to decipher and jot it down in the notebook on the coffee table labeled "Tim's plight".
So far we've been able to figure out that he's sad, scared, and thinks that new show "Fringe" on Fox is way underrated and ahead of it's time.

Word of warning - best to stay out of the basement. The stairs leading there are upside down - sorta like one of those crazy stair pencil drawings with the people walking in all different directions. They can be quite tricky to navigate if you're not used to them. If you need to go down there (to retrieve more canned peaches, to turn down the music, or to use the bathroom (the one one the main floor is broken and the upstairs bathroom is fake)) it’s best to simply pick up the phone and call Gary at 651-454-4355. He's the 627 lb. man that lives in the basement. He can lower you down using a bucket and pulley apparatus he constructed using buffalo wing bones and loner socks. He's a pretty handy guy! Ornery, but handy.

Oh and we have a pet garnawl. His name is Fuck You. Feed him, care for him, and always stay in front of him the same you would any garnawl. Also don't be surprised if he crawls into bed with you. He's quite the snuggler.

If you need to get a hold of us call basement Gary. He's got a copy of our itinerary. He actually planned the whole trip! He's surprisingly well traveled for a man of his size. Quite ornery, but well traveled. It's amazing what you can do with a helicopter, cargo net, and a pair of binoculars.

Make yourself at home! Have fun!

Ben and Beth Hildegaard