2009: The year in names / Lester Garb

Oliver Chantel

Belinda Willows

Javier Bonbardo

Donald Sowald

Fran Klingerhaul

Doug Lamp

Lynette Peters

Jonathan Candy

Cornelius Happenstance

Perry Linkletter

Desiree Dipshire

Timothy Whereabouts

Solomon Lindel

Gloria Titlecock

Roscoe Q. Highball

Theodore Danson

Darlene Botch

Candace Birdsnatch

Gil Ball

Alvin Riddle

Ralph Rallory

Phyllis Math

Leonard Hatred

Reynold Lispensey

Mildred Rampage

Gilbert {pronounced: jhel-BEAR} Gilbert

Bonnelyn Blair

Herman Whole

Gordon Ringlet

Patty Chelm

Hershel Justice

Piper Jane

Lloyd Nittles

Seymour Orless

Donna Razzle

Merlin Olsen

Herbert Airball

Loretta Showers

Winifred Swish

Ernest Burgle

Bernard Pamphlette

Horace LaFruit

Rhonda Phoof

Martin Multiflavors

Verna Thingy

Marcel Marbles

Stanley Sofar

Norman Gentle

Sigmund Lindelinhell

Wanda Swipes

Clint Scrott

Tamara Creamera

Maximilian Deadpan

Ivan Ernererer

Arlene Humdinger

Wilma Skinflap

Rueben Flart

Bernadette Peters

Albert Intellehinto

Marsha Bang

Biff Margins

Charlene Feelings

Melvin Karnage

Truman Lifeblood

Corey Bedlam

Gertrude Nebula

Sherman Billiams

Betty Glory

Craig Slist

Wendell Bubbler

Milo Something

Enid Aura

Curtis Strange

Rudy Schlep

Florence Flapper

Tabitha Gorge

Clyde Tuggs

Wilmer Wai

Chester Thoughtso

Clifford Wasteland

Hubert Homefree

Wade Watoosey

Toby Tonton

Clarence Clearance

Gail Girthy

Bartholomew Nustlerod

Harold Ramis

Monty Hoosegow

Daphne Fairplay

Delores Shambles

Trisha Twistdemon

Meredith Baxter Birney

Dean Manzeen

Judith Worbler

Vern Carnal

Thad Macintube

Laverne Stout

Hal Hetchemburgersonwaldersheim

Gwen Pathogen

Arvid Tonedeaf Effervesence

Ray Stats

Meryl Streep

Lester Garb

Pullover / Meryl Streep

-Hello officer.

>Liscense and registration please.

-Of course. It's right here in the glove compartment. . . is there a problem?

>You were swerving between two lanes a few blocks back.

-Sorry about that. Must have accidentally jerked the steering wheel a bit while I was adjusting the radio station.

>Uh huh. Have you had anything to drink?

-No sir.

>Nothing?

-Nothing, I swear.

>You mean to tell me that you've never consumed any sort of alchoholic beverage whatsoever?

-What? No. I mean, of course I have.

>What's that supposed to mean?

-Nothing. I guess I just mean that I haven't had anything to drink today.

>But prior to today you have.

-Yes.

>I suppose you think that's a good idea.

-What is?

>Drinking.

-No, just telling you the truth. I want to be cooperative.

>Yeah, I bet you get real wasted.

-Excuse me?

>Chuggin' down the booze like it's nobody's business. You think that's funny?

-No.

>So why do you do it?

-I don't. I don't know what you're talking about.

>You saying I don't make any sense?

-Of course not. It's just that. . . that-

>You want to be cooperative.

-Yes!

>So that I'll let you go on your merry way.

-Yes!!

>So you can get home and start drinking as fast and as much as possible.

-No!! Look have I broken a law or anything?

>I'd say public intoxication is breaking the law.

-But I'm not intoxicated.

>But you admit you have been.

-This is insane!!

>Is it? Open your trunk.

-Fine. There you go.

>Wait here.

[20 seconds later]

-Is everything OK?

>That's some trunk you got there.

-If you say so.

>Noticed that it's completely empty.

-Yes. . . it is.

>Got anything to say for yourself?

-About an empty trunk? No.

>Figures. Suppose you'll want to wait for your lawyer. It's your right.

-Why would I need a lawyer?

>Let's just say a guy could fit an awful lot of booze in that trunk.

-This is insane!

>I suggest you watch your tone, sir. Sounds to me like a man just itching to get himself a swig of the hard stuff.

-Look. Are you going to write me a ticket or let me go?

>Get out of the car.

-May I ask why that is necessary?

>There's a bar across the street. You buy me a beer and I'll forget this whole episode ever happened.

-What episode? What have I done?

>The whole 'getting wasted all the time', stashing beer and drugs in your trunk, and being a lousy father and husband. Water under the bridge if you buy me a shot across the street there.

-Wait a minute. Are you even a cop?

>If I wasn't, I might as well be!

[officer fires gun into the air 3 times]

>Ha ha ha ha!!

[driver spits out mouthful of beer]

-Good one!!

Exit attire / Ray Stats

It's 2:00 in the morning. You wake up to find your bedroom engulfed in flames. What do you do?

It's 1:30 in the morning. You wake up to the sound of a burglar crashing through your living room window with a tire iron. What do you do?

It's 4:00 in the morning. You're awakened by a phone call from your best friend saying that he's standing outside bleeding to death from multiple stab wounds. What do you do?

It's 3:17 in the morning. Your significant other shakes you awake and points out that outside it's raining gold coins. What do you do?

What do you do?

The correct answer to all of these questions, of course, is get outside as fast as possible.

But what are you wearing? Boxers? T-shirt and panties? Will Smith pj's? Nothing at all? Either way you're not dressed appropriately. You look like a fat idiot.

Now there's no need to talk to the fire department or take your friend to the hospital dressed in your skivvies. Now there's no need to waste precious seconds pulling on pants as the burglar walks towards you with the tire iron or as your neighbors collect the falling bounty of the treasure plane that exploded high above.

Ladies and Gentlemen allow me to introduce you to Exit Attire^TM!

Exit Attire^TM is a sophisticated yet simple clothing system that's stored conveniently and discreetly in any door or above any entry way. Exit Attire^TM is a technologically advanced film designed to cover your hideous body akin to saran wrap. Constructed of a patented fire and ice retardant polymer it's intricately patterned with a variety of looks so that, when applied to a modestly clad body, it creates the illusion of a fully and well dressed individual.

Here's how it works.

In a manner of seconds you can pull the Exit Attire^TM clothing system from the side of a closet door or from the top of a entry way. Not unlike unrolling a movie projector or a roll of wrapping paper. Once unveiled simply walk or run through the unrolled polymer film and you are as good as dressed!

Now you can run away from that burglar "dressed" in style.

Now you can be the envy of your best friend as you call him an ambulance looking at dapper as you did at that fancy dinner party.

Now you don't have to look like an asshole standing on the sidewalk in your underpants as your house burns down to the ground.

Available in multiple styles:

The Weekender

First Communion

Hipster

Big Interview

The Sweatshirt & Shorts Look

Back from the Gym

Red Carpet

Dracula

Exit Attire^TM! For when you need to look good in a pinch when you don't look good in your underpants.

[now available with breathing and excretion holes]

Hostage swap / Arvid Tonedeaf Effervesence

HOSTAGE TAKER: Where's my fucking helicopter?!?!

NEGOTIATOR: We're working on the helicopter, Dave. We're tracking one down as I speak. But listen man, if I'm going to bring you a helicopter I need you to do something for me. I need you to let the kid go.

HT: No way. The only way I let the kid go is if I can trade him for another hostage.

N: You can trade him in for me.

HT: No cops. No negotiators. Another civilian.

N: Whatever you say. We have someone here. You send the boy out and we'll send the replacement hostage in.

HT: OK. Here comes the boy.

N: And here comes the pregnant lady.

HT: What?

N: Huh?

HT: Hey wait a minute. This chick's in labor man! I can't have a hostage that's in labor. That's like rule #1 of hostage taking.

N: Then why don't you let the nice woman go.

HT: Not unless I can trade her in for someone else.

N: How about you trade her in for me.

HT: Not a chance. I want another regular person. Someone docile and and not with child.

N: Have it your way, Dave. We have another volunteer here. Send the pregnant woman out and we'll trade.

HT: Here she comes. Don't shoot.

N: And here comes her replacement.

HT: OK good. This guy looks legit.

[a few minutes later]

HT: Hey this guy you just sent me has to go to the bathroom every five minutes. He's got some sort of condition or something.

N: What's the problem?

HT: If I let him use the bathroom then I gotta let everyone use the bathroom and then I got people shutting doors and doing god knows what with hidden cell phones and secret corridors and soon enough I'll have SWAT coming through the floorboards. No way. Not on my watch. If there's one thing any decent hostage taker knows is to avoid pregnant women and people with diarrhea. I'm sending this jerk-off back. Who else you got?

N: What about me?

HT: Not you, asshole. We've been over this.

N: Alright let's so who we got left over here. . . You can choose between the off-duty cop with nothing to lose, MacGuyver, a girl with pink eye, some guy who thinks he's a hero, Bonnie the human torch, or me.

HT: What? I'll be honest with you those all sound like terrible options. Don't you have any spineless, uncoordinated, relatively timid and/or stupid people over there?

N: What about Ann Coulter?

HT: Whoa. Not a chance. I guess I'll take you then.

N: Hot Damn!! What a deal!

And so the final hostage trade of the day was concluded in what became widely regarded in both hostage taking & negotiating circles as the prototype case of hostage negotiation, one that would be cited for years to come as what you might want to do. You'll be happy to hear that Dave eventually got his helicopter & only slaughtered four hostages in the process. Tim, the negotiator, would go on to receive the jade medal of mediation in a sparsely attended, yet charming little ceremony and eventually retire one of the tallest negotiators of his generation. He and Dave remain close friends to this day.

An everyday conversation / Gwen Pathogen

Dinner is ready. ¹

I'll be there in a minute.²

Do you want me to dish you up?³

Sure.⁴

Are we sitting at the table?⁵

Doesn't matter to me.⁶

Do you want wine?⁷

Sure.⁸

Here you go.⁹

Mmm. What did you marinate this or something?¹⁰

Soy sauce and ginger.¹¹

It's good.¹²

So how was your day?¹³

Fine. How was yours?¹⁴

Busy.¹⁵

Well tomorrow is Friday.¹⁶

Do we have anything going on this weekend?¹⁷

I have a work thing on Friday. Shouldn't be too late though.¹⁸

Is that your holiday party?¹⁹

Yeah.²⁰

I thought you had your holiday party last week.²¹

That was for the department. This one is for the whole company.²²

I was thinking we could go check out coffee tables at the flea market tomorrow. ²³

Sounds good to me.²⁴

I'll find out what time they open.²⁵

__________________________________________

¹Dinner is ready.

²Start without me.

³Are you too lazy to put food on your plate?

⁴I am too lazy to put food on my plate.

⁵Are you going to shut off the television?

⁶Can't we just eat in front of the television?

⁷Are you going to get drunk again tonight?

⁸I think I'll go ahead and get drunk tonight.

⁹Say you don't like it. I dare you.

¹⁰How do you manage to fuck up chicken?

¹¹Fuck you.

¹²I hate it.

¹³So. Did you get a chance to dispose of the bodies?

¹⁴I took care of the hooker. I thought we agreed we'd let the meter man live?

¹⁵Whoops.

¹⁶I cherish the fact that we're both so comfortable joking about death.

¹⁷I assume we'll continue to work on the time machine this weekend?

¹⁸If I make it back it time. Shouldn't be a problem though.

¹⁹Make it back from where?

²⁰The future.

²¹I thought you'd already come back from the future.

²²I did but I came back too far. I'm now about an hour and ten minutes behind us.

²³Maybe we could waste some time checking out coffee tables at the flea market tomorrow so you could catch up.

²⁴That just might work.

²⁵I'll find out what time they open.

Ditching the smokes / Hal Hetchemburgersonwaldersheim

He always found Christmas shopping to be one of the more underrated New York City experiences. Sure the lines were long and stores were hot and crowded. Sure the crosswalks were often submerged in slush and filth and the places he needed to go widely spread throughout the city. But still, the satisfaction of dropping a load of shopping bags inside your front door after a successful excursion in the city far surpassed the same feeling after pulling into a driveway with a trunk full of gifts after a trip to some mall. The glory was in the endeavor itself. Why anyone would prefer to drive to a mall in a single trip when one could navigate their way through numerous stops in various neighborhoods of the greatest city in the world was beyond him.

He only had one stop left. The place that gave the foot massages his wife enjoyed was about twenty blocks southeast. He could take the R or N to 23rd street or he could head over to Grand Central first at the oft chance that he'd happen upon a side store selling the "Welcome to New York. Duck Mother Fucker" t-shirts he knew his brother-in-law would appreciate before hopping on the 6 train.

He had just decided to skip the subway altogether and complete the final leg of his trip by foot. This would allow him ample time to enjoy a single forbidden cigarette, certainly one of his last before he quit his dirty secret for good with a single determined new year resolution. With an unlit smoke hanging from his lips he was perusing the passersby for likelihood of having a light when the scaffolding he was standing under suddenly collapsed, trapping him beneath two tons of metal, snow, wire, and ice. His back broken and his lungs filling with blood he reached into his pocket for the pack of cigarettes he wasn't supposed to own. He managed to retrieve them and with a flick of the wrist they were now laying closer to an older woman with a white hat who appeared to be dead. In his life's waning moments he found relief that although Christmas was ruined and his daughter would grow up without a father, at least when his wife came to identify the body she wouldn't have to claim, amongst the bags of gifts found 'on his person', a pack of smokes.

Handy quote / Laverne Stout

Whenever I find myself stuck in a frustrating or unproductive conversation with a mild acquaintance or coworker I often find it helpful to quote this bit of dialogue from the movie Seven.

"I've been trying to figure something in my head and maybe you can help me out. When a person is insane, as you clearly are, do you know that you're insane? Maybe you are just sitting around, reading Guns & Ammo, masturbating in your own feces, do you just stop and go, 'Wow, it is amazing how fucking crazy I really am!' Yeah? Do you guys do that?"

Caterpillar filth / Thad Macintube

My daughter has this toy that's a caterpillar with 26 legs, one for each letter of the alphabet. Each leg has a button that, when pushed, make the sound of that letter. Of course the first thing I did was attempt to make the caterpillar swear. I was surprised, disappointed, and relieved all at the same time to find that I could make the caterpillar say "Ffff" then "Uhhh" but when I hit the 'K' button instead of saying "Kuh" to finish the F-bomb the toy first said "Ha ha ha ha ha. That tickles!" It wouldn't say 'fuck'. So some poor schlub at LeapFrog got stuck with the job of determining every offensive word that could be pronounced with the 26 basic sounds of the alphabet (no need to worry about words like 'shit' or 'bitch' because there's no leg or combination of legs that make the 'shh' or 'ch' sound) and programming in that giggle every time some perverted dad or older brother tried to make the caterpillar utter profanity.

As odd/funny/disturbing as that is, it turns out whoever was in charge of this didn't do that great of a job. After extensive testing I've provided my findings below.

Words the caterpillar will not say:

TIT

DICK

FUCK

CUM

ASS

DAMN

Words I wanted to test but couldn't because they are impossible to pronounce using the phonetic sounds of the 26 letters of the alphabet (oh well):

SHIT

BITCH

BOOB

PUSSY

Words the caterpillar will say:

JIZZ

CUNT

NIGGER

If you're going to take steps to ensure your educational product cannot accidentally teach kids words that would make grandma cry how can you forget to address arguably the two most offensive words in the english language? Furthermore, "Cum" isn't allowed but "Jizz" is?

Either the language specialist at LeapFrog did a half-assed job programming their filth spewing caterpillar or this father's mind has reached gutter depths no respectable toy manufacturer could be expected to comprehend.

Let's just say to this day I haven't mustered the nerve to demonstrate the toy spouting off the c-word to my wife for fear that she will never think of me the same way ever again.

Professor two piles / Vern Carnal

So let's say you have two piles of something. Anything. It could be tires, or sewing needles, or old phone bills. Literally any object would work. And let's say the ultimate goal is here is one pile. Somehow these piles need to be unified. That is your job. The responsibility rests on you. So basically it's two parts, right? Fully eliminating pile #1 and adding to the size of pile #2. Seems like a lot to handle for what initially seemed to be a pretty easy task, right? I mean when someone says to you "I need you to combine these two piles" it sounds pretty straight forward, and I'm not saying that it's not, it's just that it doesn't immediately come across as a two-step process, which it most certainly is. Two steps because you are dealing with two piles.

But there's no need to fret.

What I'm here to tell you today is that there's a revolutionary way of thinking that I've devised that will assist you greatly when faced with this two pile scenario. In order to fully comprehend it we need to take a closer look at this two-step process.

So let's break that down step by step. Like I said before, the first step is eliminating the first pile. So what do we need to do to accomplish that? Anyone? . . . That's correct! We need to physically remove the items from the first pile. And how would one do that? You, right there in the front. That's right. We pick up the item! Now here it's important to note that there are several ways to pick up items. You could, of course, use your hands. You could use a shovel. You could use some sort of machinery. It all depends on the make-up and size of the particular items in the pile in question. But let's not get bogged down in that. That's Pile 404 material. We want to stay on track here. The important point to take away here is that the items need to be picked up. Simple as that. Everyone with me so far? Great! Now, moving on to step two. Now we need to increase the size of second pile. And how is that done? Anyone? . . . OK I'll tell you. The second pile is increased by adding the items from the initial pile. I know what you're thinking. "Whoa slow down teach". I know I know, just hang with me for one second here.

So, if the second step is achieved by adding items from the initial pile, we need to then somehow obtain those items, correct? So who remembers where we left off with the first step? This is the key to the whole process so pay attention. What were we doing at the end of step one? We were picking up the items from the first pile. Do you see what I'm getting at here?!? We already have the item in our possession!! Step two is nothing more than a continuation of step one! Do you understand? Allow me to rephrase. And it might be a good idea to jot this down.

You can simultaneously eliminate pile #1 and add to pile #2 by physically moving items from one pile to the other in a single fluid motion.

I'll say it again.

You can both eliminate pile #1 and add to pile #2 AT THE SAME TIME by moving the items from one pile to the other pile in a single fluid motion.

I call it the "two pile" method and it's worked wonders for me. I can't begin to express to you the simple satisfaction gained from moving an item from one pile to another and knowing deep within my bones that not only did I make one pile smaller, I also made the other pile that much bigger! It's taking the idea of killing two birds with one stone to a whole 'nother level folks.

Are there any questions?

Yes. You sir, in the back. . .

Good question. The answer is yes, you could conceivably move several items at the same time but for the sake of this lecture we will not be addressing multiple item moves. Feel free to approach me afterwords, however, and I'd be happy to discuss.

Anyone else?

Uh huh. . . Sure. . . Let me stop you there. You're problem is that you're failing to grasp the idea of picking up the object AND moving the object AT THE SAME TIME. If we did it your way we'd be stuck with more and more items in our hands until we simply couldn't hold anymore, quickly approaching full carrying capacity status without a single item successfully transported. That's something we need to avoid if we ever hope to achieve full pile consolidation.

Next question.

No, that's possible. Sorry. . . . Right. . . OK. . . Look, I see what you're saying but the whole set of circumstances you've outlined is irrelevant because you can't have piles of piles. At least it's never been done to my knowledge. Ok then.

Alright if there's nothing else please come up to the front and pick up your piles. Please remember to take two. I have them all numbered so don't think you can just take one, claimed you've combined them, and get away with it. I'm looking at you, Karl.

Good luck everybody. See you Thursday.

Note you'll never find on the sidewalk / Judith Worbler

Diane-

We've been close for many years now - the bestest of friends. Through thick and thin we've found comfort in each other's words. That's something I'd never want to jeopardize yet at the same time I feel the time has come for me to lay it all on the line as they say. I'm hoping that today going forward we can start to find comfort in each other's arms.

The fact is, I'm in love with you. I have been ever since that night on the hovercraft. Do you remember?

I can only assume your first reaction is fear. Fear that now that this is out there things will never be the same between us. Fear that the next time we see each other you won't know how to react. Fear that you feel the same way. All I can say is that it's OK to be afraid. I'm afraid too. But behind that fear is hope. Hope that what the future holds for us is even greater than the past. Hope that my years of longing were not all for naught. Hope that you feel that same way. And that hope brings forth a feeling of excitement I cannot bare to contain. Excitement that our next meeting will only bring tears of joy. Excitement that the previous feelings of fear and hope were all worth it. Excitement that you might feel the same way.

If you feel the same way please place this note on or nearby some sewer grate near a highly trafficked sidewalk where it may get wet, torn, smudged, and stepped on. Leave it there so that someone might happen upon it, fish it out of the filth, read it, share it with friends and coworkers, mocking me over and over again.

That way I'll know you're mine forever.

Yours forever,

Neil

Day of thanks / Dean Manzeen

On this day of thanks

I like to take a quiet moment

and reflect on my life

I think of my beautiful family

a respectable career

strong friendships

a safe home

a good dog

a full belly

a privileged run indeed

yet I can't seem to shake from my head

the fact that I've never had sex with a black woman

And another thing! / Meredith Baxter Birney

Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce. . . the ellipse!!

I only fuck one way baby, and that's hard. Now if that's something you can't handle then you're nothing more than the woman your mother bore the day you were born.

To pronounce the wrong words right or pronounce the right words wrong? Half a dozen of one and eight of the other if you ask me. So just ask me.

And he spoke without warning to no one in particular. Sure no one was listening, yet sure he was making his point clear he yelled out, "I am a mad scientist!" Not the kind that deals with theories, variables, and rub-a-dub but one who sees the differences others are scared to notice. For running on empty is a state one should strive for. Self destruction! Can you afford it? Better yet - can you even make out the digits on the price tag?

Kid can't tell right from doesn't make a difference.

You think this is some sort of feel good, guy get the girl, two feet on the floor at all times extravaganza? I'll give you one more guess. Sure, it was a nice day outside but you think that mattered to Senor Rapture? He, my friend, had badder fish to fry and today was day one of not doing his laundry. Skip dinner he says. Skip dinner he still says. Make no mistake - you two have nothing in common. You think he's reading this right now? Guess again. Oh, I almost forgot, you are out of guesses. Parting gifts? ? ?

Been there / Trisha Twistdemon

I get myself on the train

like I do every day.

Thousands of times.

I know the benches, windows, and doors.

Yet I can't say for certain

that I've ever rode in this car.

So similar in sound and structure they are.

So I stand here and wonder

if I've been here before

in this spot

or am I unknowingly

exploring someplace new

subjecting my eyes

to familiar visions yet up to now unseen.

It's such a beautiful notion

that a single tear wells.

It would've dropped to the dirty floor

thereby marking my presence

if it wasn't for a single thread of drool

which hangs from my gaping mouth

and hits the floor first.

In regards to your conjecture of my fucking around / Delores Shambles

I'm sorry.

Do you think I'm fucking around here?

Well, in that case I feel it's my utmost duty to inform you of your grave miscalculation in the matter. In fact, not only am I not fucking around here, I am actually in the process of executing certain actions better categorized as, for lack of a better term, anti-fucking around!

Suffice to say, you couldn't be more mistaken.

And since we're on the subject, I feel inclined to inform you that if indeed I was fucking around you can rest assured that there would be little to no doubt over whether or not the acts in question would be suitably deemed as 'fucking around' because the level of fucking would be on a plane so otherworldly that instead of inquiring as to the seriousness of the situation, you'd instead feel an overwhelming compulsion to warn friends, family, and bystanders that I am most certainly, not to mention hilariously, totally and absolutely without question, 100% fucking around here!

Is that clear?

Finally, in an effort to correct your egregious error, I ask that you make a mental note of those persons you'd notify in the event I was fucking around, keeping in mind that the level of fucking would be such that you'd be wise to error on the side of advising too many people than too few and alert the appropriate parties that despite your gross ignorance that I am NOT FUCKING AROUND HERE!!

UNDERSTAND!!!

Good. I hope that settles things. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pbbbbt!! Just kidding man!! I was totally fucking around there!! 'There' meaning initially AND throughout my rant about not fucking around.

So I was double fucking around.

You shoulda seen your face.

Things to say to the guy floating next to you right before you both plunge to your deaths over a waterfall / Daphne Fairplay

• So. . . what brings you here?

• Well, my cell phone is likely kaput. You?

• I think it's fair to say that this is the most inexplicable hard on I've ever had.

• Whatever happened to Kevin Spacey? I mean, he had a string of hits there for awhile and then, pbbbt, nothing.

• On the way down I'll do the running man if you do the robot. Deal?

• If we both somehow make it out of this we should totally hang out some time. Like on a social level, you know? Nothing creepy or anything. . . You know what? Forget it. Dumb idea.

• If I live and you die I'm telling everyone you really pussed out big time.

• If I die and you live tell everyone I fought like a champion. Use those exact words. Fought like a champion. You understand?

• Let's both take off our pants before we go over. That should keep the authorities speculating for a while.

• Good fishing in these parts I heard.

• Wow, total warm spot over here!

• Awkwaaaaaaaard!!

The words / Monty Hoosegow

He turned his head and looked at the wall. It was the only place it made sense to look. Her words had made their way across the table and were now his to do with what he pleased. He kept them at a safe distance for the time being, choosing to focus on the wall rather than ponder or understand them.

She'd arranged the words in a different, kinder manner than she intended. Such words tend to do that on their own as they are spoken. Any thought of restating them in a more direct fashion was dismissed, however, when he looked away. That gesture left little doubt that any sort of rephrasing was necessary, yet from where she was sitting the words seemed to still hang there, unclaimed, somewhere between her mouth and his ears.

He continued his stare at a blank spot on the wall. He considered shifting his gaze to the bookshelf, or to a picture, but he feared the slightest change of focus might be interpreted as a sign of acceptance. Instead he took those words and batted them around for a bit, to and fro, in a futile act of postponement. And as they danced about he came to appreciate them. For as much as the words now belonged to him, he was at their mercy. They had staked their claim in that room and no amount wall staring could convince them to have never been uttered.

She spoke one more word, his name, which led him to finally meet her eyes. He then opened his mouth and reluctantly delivered his own words, the first of thousands they'd needlessly exchange the rest of the evening that would sprinkle over the undisputed fact they both knew neither could change, that it was over.

Daylight savings / Harold Ramis

OK so if at 2 am we gain an hour so that it's really 1 am but I don't change any of my clocks and instead sleep in an extra hour and go about my day an hour behind schedule knowing in the back of my mind that I'm actually right on time because there's that hour I'm saving in my back pocket I should be able to use that hour whenever I need to, right?

Right.

But . . . then I remember that I did the same thing back in March when we lost an hour and 2 am suddenly became 3 am except it wasn't exactly the same thing so much as it was the complete opposite because instead of having an extra hour I had one less so either way my clocks were already wrong and already an hour behind and I've simply been going about my days knowing that it's really an hour later than now which has come in pretty handy as I typically overcompensate and arrive over an hour early to meetings and appointments and the like.

So. . . now that I know this I'm not sure if I still have that hour in my back pocket to use at my discretion or do I really now have two hours to use or has this most recent clock change cancelled out all conscious time differentiations I may be harboring resulting in accurate clocks once again and a need to re-train myself to treat 7 o'clock like 7 o'clock instead of 8 o'clock because if I don't then I run the risk of either showing up to work 2 hours early or one hour ahead and I'm not sure which one.

The unanswerables / Bartholomew Nustlerod

The following are questions posed by my parents on their most recent trip to NYC that I either could not, or chose not to, answer:

How many floors do you suppose that building has?

Why do the Muslims own all the news stands?

How many more stops until we get there?

What do doctors cost here?

Does that rug store sell anything besides rugs?

Is Indian food more like Mexican or Chinese?

How many more stops?

Does this subway go underground?

When will they finish ground zero?

Where does Rudy Giuliani live?

Do you have any meetings today?

Do we get off on the next stop?

Pink slip / Gail Girthy

I understand.

And is it safe to assume that today will be my last day?

But I do have until five o'clock, right?

I see. Then I suppose I'll start packing my personal effects straight away.

Is there any work related items you need me to address before I gather my things?

Very well then.

If you don't mind, I was wondering if you had a spare moment to

If there's nothing else, I'd just like to say that in my time here, I wish it to be known that I never spent an entire day sitting in my office doing absolutely nothing. And that's not to say that the opportunity never presented itself. Because it did. Time and time again. Yet when the urge struck to close my office door and pretend to be on a conference call while I shopped online for clever domain names I relented and at the very least marked messages sitting in my inbox that I had no intention of answering as 'read'.

Any office supplies I stole were used for personal use and were not resold, for the most part. I can promise you that any and all profits garnered from the stolen supplies that were resold were spent on business attire purchased for the sole purpose of conveying a greater aire of professionalism in the workplace. I rarely wore the clothes to social gatherings or while using intravenous drugs.

I'd also like to point out that I hardly ever masturbated at work. And the times I did so I took extra precautions to ensure as few coworkers noticed me as possible. I trust the volume of complaints you received were minimal and those that did complain surely noted my intended discretion, if not specifically the ball gag I utilized.

Finally I feel compelled to add that I took great steps here to secure a reputation of one who never settled for complete unproductivity. I continually strived to provide at the very least a minimal effort, day in and day out. At least on the days where I didn't have an unannounced dentist appointment, a menial errand to run, or had to stay home and attend to my sick ferret.

I bring these items to your attention because I quite enjoyed my time here and have a strong desire to keep all bridges flame free. I understand the nature of the personnel move but sincerely hope that no doors have been permanently shut. I do hope you will keep my resume on file in the event you find yourself in desperate need of someone with my particular skill set.

I don't suppose that unaccrued vacation days can be added to the severance package?

I didn't think so. On that note - until our paths cross again. Good day.

Writing during "Grey's" / Clarence Clearance

So this is all about the body parts of the skinny one?

Makeup still looks pretty good 13 hours into her shift.

Wow that Asian woman is sassy.

I think the words "burn victim" are used much more often in TV hospitals than real hospitals.

Where are the fat doctors?

Wow, that black woman is sassy.

There sure are a lot of dick jokes.

Never mind. Token fat doctor. And she's a lesbian. Two birds. One stone.

I foresee valuable lessons being learned this evening.

And he's dead, no sex for anyone for the next 4 minutes.

Cue the top 40 shit ballad.

Commercial break.

Private practice - that looks good. . . and the same.

And we're back.

That black man is sassy.

I like how they skip all the hand scrubbing and get right to the action.

Yes! Defibrillators! Finally, I was worried there for a second.

Elevator door closing effectively ends scene.

Everyone's done for the day. They are changing and looking fabulous.

Wow, that Asian woman is really sassy.

There's always time for a tender moment with a child.

And a voiceover to boot .

And here come the lessons. . .

Something about learning something and loving someone and the truth. Lame.

Fade out to some whiny acoustic number by some dude likely with a beard about to get rich.

Bean ball / Toby Tonton

OUCH!!

SON OF A BITCH!

Right on the arm.

Damn that smarts.

Was that on purpose?

Try not to look hurt.

Shake it off.

Take your base.

I can't believe that fucker hit me in the arm.

He chucks a ball at me as hard as he can and I have to walk 90 feet and stand there and talk to that old guy in the hat.

No apologies or anything.

Seems weird to me.

I mean, I was fully expecting the ball to travel at a highly dangerous speed within inches of my body while I stood here concentrating on it, attempting to determine exactly how close it would come to striking me, but I was not expecting to endure pain.

Although my coworkers should be pleased as me getting hit by a frantically propelled sphere does improve my employers chance of success by a slight margin.

So I got that going for me.

What an odd profession I've chosen.

I wonder what the guy squatting behind me wearing a mask thinks.

Well, better get a move on.

That foam rubber bag isn't going to get stood on by itself.

Don't forget to set down my big wooden wooden stick.

20 wise sayings I just made up that may or may not make sense / Wade Watoosey

"Self contempt is rarely self contained."
- Rich Zeroth - October 15th, 2009

"A great meal always trumps a copped feel."

- Rich Zeroth - October 15th, 2009

"If faced with a choice between a ladder and a shovel always choose the latter."
- Rich Zeroth - October 15th, 2009

"If you ever see a guy smoking a pipe. . . just keep an eye on that guy. He's probably sweet."

- Rich Zeroth - October 15th, 2009

"Kill a snake by chopping off the head. Annoy a horse by chopping off the tail."

- Rich Zeroth - October 15th, 2009

"Never be afraid to eat."

- Rich Zeroth - October 15th, 2009

"A man once asked me to name a job, a man, and a purpose. I told him carpenter, Charlie, for sex."

- Rich Zeroth - October 15th, 2009

"Piss off your friends. Read a book."

- Rich Zeroth - October 15th, 2009

"Next time you think you're low on time remember a nickel weighs more than a dime."

- Rich Zeroth - October 15th, 2009

"Never trust a man with an apparatus he calls a thingamajig."
- Rich Zeroth - October 15th, 2009

"The path toward the road is likely obstructed by some sort of guard rail."

- Rich Zeroth - October 15th, 2009

"There's a reason great stories all start at the beginning. It's because of the order."

- Rich Zeroth - October 15th, 2009

"Rain isn't wet if you're a fucking whack job."

- Rich Zeroth - October 15th, 2009

"I once met a man who could toss a stone all the way up to heaven. I asked him, 'What does God think about your stones popping up through His floorboards?' 'He's rarely home' he laughed."

- Rich Zeroth - October 15th, 2009

"One spice rack is probably enough. Same thing goes for wives."

- Rich Zeroth - October 15th, 2009

"If you forget a man's name a safe bet is 'Karl'."

- Rich Zeroth - October 15th, 2009

"When times get tough take comfort in the fact that Random backwards is Modnar."
- Rich Zeroth - October 15th, 2009

"A rear view mirror is only helpful when traveling forward in time. Also there is no such thing as a front view mirror so don't even think about it. And don't get me started on time travel!"
- Rich Zeroth - October 15th, 2009

"Tis better to master one single trade than to have sex with all of them."
- Rich Zeroth - October 15th, 2009

"Birds fly though the clouds."
- Rich Zeroth - October 15th, 2009