Hostage swap / Arvid Tonedeaf Effervesence

HOSTAGE TAKER: Where's my fucking helicopter?!?!

NEGOTIATOR: We're working on the helicopter, Dave. We're tracking one down as I speak. But listen man, if I'm going to bring you a helicopter I need you to do something for me. I need you to let the kid go.

HT: No way. The only way I let the kid go is if I can trade him for another hostage.

N: You can trade him in for me.

HT: No cops. No negotiators. Another civilian.

N: Whatever you say. We have someone here. You send the boy out and we'll send the replacement hostage in.

HT: OK. Here comes the boy.

N: And here comes the pregnant lady.

HT: What?

N: Huh?

HT: Hey wait a minute. This chick's in labor man! I can't have a hostage that's in labor. That's like rule #1 of hostage taking.

N: Then why don't you let the nice woman go.

HT: Not unless I can trade her in for someone else.

N: How about you trade her in for me.

HT: Not a chance. I want another regular person. Someone docile and and not with child.

N: Have it your way, Dave. We have another volunteer here. Send the pregnant woman out and we'll trade.

HT: Here she comes. Don't shoot.

N: And here comes her replacement.

HT: OK good. This guy looks legit.

[a few minutes later]

HT: Hey this guy you just sent me has to go to the bathroom every five minutes. He's got some sort of condition or something.

N: What's the problem?

HT: If I let him use the bathroom then I gotta let everyone use the bathroom and then I got people shutting doors and doing god knows what with hidden cell phones and secret corridors and soon enough I'll have SWAT coming through the floorboards. No way. Not on my watch. If there's one thing any decent hostage taker knows is to avoid pregnant women and people with diarrhea. I'm sending this jerk-off back. Who else you got?

N: What about me?

HT: Not you, asshole. We've been over this.

N: Alright let's so who we got left over here. . . You can choose between the off-duty cop with nothing to lose, MacGuyver, a girl with pink eye, some guy who thinks he's a hero, Bonnie the human torch, or me.

HT: What? I'll be honest with you those all sound like terrible options. Don't you have any spineless, uncoordinated, relatively timid and/or stupid people over there?

N: What about Ann Coulter?

HT: Whoa. Not a chance. I guess I'll take you then.

N: Hot Damn!! What a deal!

And so the final hostage trade of the day was concluded in what became widely regarded in both hostage taking & negotiating circles as the prototype case of hostage negotiation, one that would be cited for years to come as what you might want to do. You'll be happy to hear that Dave eventually got his helicopter & only slaughtered four hostages in the process. Tim, the negotiator, would go on to receive the jade medal of mediation in a sparsely attended, yet charming little ceremony and eventually retire one of the tallest negotiators of his generation. He and Dave remain close friends to this day.