Things I should have said / Rutabaga

. . . to the guy at the bar who made a wisecrack about my hat.

• You're right. Instead of the hat I should be sporting that slicked back, gel soaked, "wet" look you got going on.
• Well your dog sure seemed to like it when I took him for a walk around the park last night. Am I right? [then high five someone standing nearby]
• It's not a hat so much as a mind blow buffer. I could take it off but. . . well, you know.
• You know, no one likes you much. I asked them.
• It's meant to be ironic, asshole. Don't you know what ironic means? Well, me neither. Let's get bombed.
• You son-of-a-bitch. No one talks shit about my cat. What's that? My hat? Oh, I thought you were talking about my cat. You're right this hat is ridiculous. Here, you take it.
• I'm sorry. I didn't hear you. What was that. [as I urinate on his pant leg]
• Don't you have push-ups to do and women to don't?
  
• What hat? [reach up to feel top of head] What the hell? This isn't my hat. Who's the wise guy? Where's Neil?
  
• You should see my other hat. . . it's at my apartment. . . I don't live too far from here. . . wanna check it out?