The man who bitched, bitched, bitched / Slush

Charlie Hankback had quite the reputation as a world class whiner.

His whole life he'd fussed over sore feet, achy fingers, pains in his teeth, and throbbing hair follicles, to name just a few of his supposed ailments. Numerous trips to the doctor's office had yielded nothing in terms of explanation or diagnosis. All that came out of these visits was a first name basis relationship with the various doctors and nurses.

It was hard for Charlie to make friends. He was likable enough as far as first impressions were concerned, but sooner or later new acquaintances would stop returning his calls and stand him up for lunch citing his incessant complaining over his latest sprained nostril or brewing ulcer.

So Charlie dealt with his afflictions alone. Alone and depressed. He'd moan to his walls and complain to his television.

"My ass is killing me" he'd say.

"What the hell is going on with my elbow?"

"Tastes like someone put thumb tacks in my Frosted Flakes."

And on and on and on. Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch.

One Tuesday, on his way to his weekly emergency room visit to have his neck re-examined, Charlie got in a terrible car accident. He was thrown through the windshield 30 feet feet from his car but not before his left leg was severed just below his already sore knee. Charlie still managed to pick himself off the pavement and hop back to the crash site, bitching the whole way.

"Boy my leg is really bothering me."
"And to top it off I can feel a mighty migraine coming on."

Once back at the accident scene, Charlie pulled a family of four from the burning wreckage right before both cars were launched into the air in a brilliant explosion.

"Ouch! That's going to do wonders for my hearing" he exclaimed over the detonation of the gas tanks.

Soon the paramedics showed up and took Charlie to the hospital.

"Looks like I really did it this time, Belinda" he said to the nurse while holding up his severed leg.

The doctors, amazed that he could lose a leg and still manage to hop to the rescue of four strangers, did some extensive tests on Charlie and found that his nerve endings were completely frayed from head to toe. His entire central nervous system was wired backwards. Every square inch of his body was in excruciating pain twenty-four hours a day. It had been that way for years.

They'd never seen anyone with such a high tolerance to misery. It was a wonder he wasn't in a permanent catatonic state. The mere fact that he could stay conscious was a testament to his freakishly high pain thresh hold.

Turns out Charlie Hankback wasn't so much a pathetic whiner as he was the biggest badass the world had ever seen.

Word quickly spread and from that day on Charlie had more friends than he knew what to do with. People would come from far and wide to get the autograph of the guy in a perpetual state of excruciating agony, to get their picture with the dude who always feels like he's being crucified, to sucker punch the man with the already broken body. Women loved him too. It didn't take Charlie long to find the love of his life who he quickly married, then cheated on numerous times but never got caught.

Yeah Charlie had it all. . . .

And while I'd like to tell you that Charlie's sudden fame and abundance of companionship took the pain away, and that he and his wife and his mistresses lived happily ever after, but that just wasn't the case. See to this day his knees still kill, his skin still itches, and it he winces every time he breathes but Charlie Hankback doesn't gripe about it as much as he used to. Because Charlie Hankbank's heart don't hurt no more.

zeroth life lesson: although very rare, sometimes perceived pussies are actually borderline badasses. also it possible to to be a badass physically but a total pussy emotionally. watch out for these guys.