How to: properly flip a coin / Celophane

Ding Dong

[You open the front door]

"Hi, I'm Chris Mullin, former Golden State Warrior and 54th all-time leading scorer in NBA history. I'm going door to door today explaining to people the proper way to flip a coin.

Now I know what you're thinking. Who doesn't know how to flip a coin? Heads or tails. Call it in the air. Couldn't be more simple. Get the off my doorstep you bonehead.

But what if I were to tell you that you were doing it all wrong? That every decision you've ever made with the aid of a coin flip was tainted? That the course your life has taken thus far is quite possibly askew due to your shoddy coin flipping protocol. That my shoes are two sizes too small. What if I were to tell you that?

OK, let's say you can't decide whether or not to rent the movie 'King Ralph' or 'Regarding Henry' and want to settle the matter with the flip of a coin. If you are like most folks you'd simply assign 'King Ralph' as heads and 'Regarding Henry' as tails, flip the coin and let fate decide your entertainment for the evening.

But how are you letting fate decide if you are the one determining whether 'Doc Hollywood' is heads, or 'Regarding Henry' is tails, or 'King Ralph' is tails, or if 'Regarding Henry' is heads? You're not God are you?

A good way to make these types of decisions is by flipping a coin. Let fate determine whether 'King Ralph' or 'Regarding Henry' is heads in the coin flip that will determine which movie you will watch that night. That way your movie selection will not be influenced by your choice of assigning 'Regarding Henry' heads, or 'King Ralph' tails, or 'King Ralph' heads, or 'Regarding Henry' tails.

Do you understand what I am trying to explain to you?

Are you as excited as I am?

May I come inside your house?

Fair enough. Now where was I?

Yes. Unfortunately the tangled web that is the fair coin flip weaves on. You see when you flip the coin to determine which movie will be heads and which movie will be tails when you flip the coin to determine which movie you will be watching you need to find a fair way to determine whether you'll be flipping the coin to determine which movie will be heads or which movie will be tails. For this I suggest the simple act of flipping a coin.

If you flip the coin and it comes up heads then that means the following flip will determine which movie will be tails when you flip the coin to determine whether you'll be watching 'King Ralph' or 'Regarding Henry'. If you flip the coin and it comes up tails then that means the following flip will determine which movie will be heads when you flip the coin to determine whether you'll be watching 'Regarding Henry' or 'King Ralph'.

Now I know what's going through your head. Something along the lines of, "All right Chris Mullin, I was with you there for a while but now after all that preaching about how it's not fair to personally assign heads or tails to choices you plan on flipping for, you're going to tell me that it's OK to say that if you a toss a coin and it comes up heads then that means the subsequent flip will determine which movie will be tails when you flip the coin to determine whether you'll be watching 'King Ralph' or 'Regarding Henry'? That, my friend, reeks of hypocrisy."

Am I right? Is that what you're thinking?

Aha! I thought so. Well you know what Mr. Whatsyourname? I'd like to see you come up with something better. You think it's easy trying to explain the intricacies of the inherent unconscious biases in coin tossing to unsuspecting boneheads who've been interrupted from their morning english muffins by the ringing doorbell?

Do you think that's easy?

Can I use your bathroom?

Fine. Well the next time you find yourself needing to decide between 'King Ralph' and 'Regarding Henry' good fucking luck.

Sorry for swearing there.
Enjoy your morning.