Now I don't know about you, but I've always been of the school of thought that every person here on God's good green earth was blessed with a unique talent, something he or she could do better than anyone else. A gift, that if found, can help that person achieve true happiness. Hell, I'd even go so far as to say they can make the world a better place.
Few folks ever stumble across their special gift. And I suppose that's a good thing. After all the world needs toll booth operators, telemarketers, stock boys, flight attendants and the like. And in the same breath we can only hope that the person blessed with the unique skill set to become the world's best flight attendant is attending flights. He or she may have followed a path that led them to being only a sightly better than average professional bowler. They'll die sad, never knowing that if they ever tried their hand at pointing towards the nearest exits at 30,000 feet they'd be great at it - and happy to boot!
No doubt you'd recognize many names of those who found their unique gift: William Shakespeare, Magellan, Jesus, and Jim Henson no doubt ring a bell. Others flew under the radar so to speak. Jimmy Gillespie (world's best sock matcher), Pamela Lundergard (world's best letter opener), Saul Rightwood (world's best peeping Tom), and Willy Darby (world's best aluminum sider) all come to mind. God bless them all as they died happy and passed on the fruits of their gifts to all they met - Jesus and Willy Darby both.
That leads me to the story of Phillip Garson.
Philip Garson was one of those lucky folks except the one thing he did better than anyone else in the world didn't bring people happiness. Philip poisoned people. He was great at it. World's best.
It wasn't something he was proud of. In fact, he tried his best not to poison people but couldn't swing it. Phil's passion was cooking you see. And like most passions it's not something Phil chose to do, cooking chose him. Thing is he was right awful at it. If you gave Phil some eggs, bell peppers, mushrooms, ham, and onions and told him to whip you up a Denver omelette you'd end up with a plate of inedible, soupy mush. But if you gave him eggs, bell peppers, mushrooms, ham, onions and anthrax he'd cook up an omelette to die for.
Among his most decadent and deadly recipes were:
Chicken Ala King
1/4 c. butter
1/3 c. flour
1/2 tsp. salt
1 c. chicken broth
1 c. milk
2 c. chicken, diced
1 (3 oz.) can mushrooms
1 (16 oz.) bag frozen peas
Dash of Amatoxin
Lasagna
1 pound sweet Italian sausage
3/4 pound lean ground beef
1/2 cup minced onion
2 cloves garlic, crushed
1 (28 ounce) can crushed tomatoes
2 (6 ounce) cans tomato paste
4 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley
12 lasagna noodles
16 ounces ricotta cheese
3/4 pound mozzarella cheese, sliced
3/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese
1/2 cup of Ricin
Beef Wellington
1 (6 lb.) whole beef tenderloin roast
1 (17 1/4 oz.) pkg. frozen puff pastry
1 med. sized onion, minced
1 (8 oz.) pkg. mushrooms, finely chopped
1/2 tsp. dried thyme leaves
1/2 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. pepper
2 tbsp. red wine
1/2 lb. goose or duck liver pate OR 17 oz. can liver pate
1 egg, separated
Bordelaise sauce
1/2 tsp. of Sarin
Sushi-grade Tuna Carpaccio
One 8-ounce sushi-grade tuna fillet, cut 1/2 inch thick
1 tablespoon fresh lemon juicer
1 teaspoon soy sauce
1 teaspoon finely grated fresh ginger
Pinch of Cyanide
Key Lime Pie
5 egg yolks, beaten
1 (14 ounce) can sweetened condensed milk
1/2 cup key lime juice
1 (9 inch) prepared graham cracker crust
1/2 cup of Hemlock
Phil left a trail of death and tantalized taste buds everywhere he cooked.
If you were fed up with life (and who isn't) and happened to enjoy tasty grub (who doesn't) good ole' Phil was only a phone call away. Sooner than you can say "send my compliments to the chef" you'd be free of the incessant trials and tribulations of this realm, face down in your plate of shrimp scampi with a smile on your cold, lifeless face.
Needless to say the authorities took issue with Phil's unique gift. An equal waste of words is to mention that Phil was a tortured soul. He'd spend his days on the run from Johnny Law, trying to perfect his recipes sans the deadly poison to no avail. The more he tried the more inedible his poison-free cuisine fared. His clients demanded his best and each time Phil obliged the death toll climbed.
The authorities eventually caught up with Phil. They broke down the door of a hotel room in Albuquerque and found him over a stove cooking a single serving of eggplant parmesan with a dash of Botulinum. The snug shackles around his wrists not only spared him from taking his own life - they led him to his destiny.
Phil plead guilty to murder. His heartfelt remorse was the only thing that saved him from a certain death sentence. In what can only be categorized as an ironic twist of fate Phil's incarceration served as his salvation. His cellmate happened to be a former food connoisseur on death row. They hatched an idea. Phil cooked him a delicious kobe beef and black truffle risotto laced with compound 1080.
In the end Phillip Garson found his true calling helping evil people die happy. He did the same.
zeroth life lesson: bide your time. stay the course. your dreams will wait for you and jail can be fun.
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