Witty t-shirt guy / Thistle

He hadn't noticed him when he first took the picture. There on the front page of the Metro section, standing in the background of the photograph of the new community pool's ribbon cutting ceremony was a man wearing the wittiest t-shirt he had ever seen. Frank immediately brought the paper to his editor and pointed the man out.

"You weren't kidding" his editor said. "That's one witty t-shirt. The very idea that the phrase, 'Expand your Mind!?!?' could be accompanied by a picture of a man with his head in a vice. . . . that's just the type of paradoxal boost this city needs! I want you to find this man and see what he has to say about things."

And so it began. Frank spent the better part of the next week revisiting the scene and asking around about the witty t-shirt man's whereabouts. No one knew who the man was or where he could be found.

About a month later Frank was watching the morning news when something caught his eye. Standing behind the weather man amidst the audience members was the same man wearing an even wittier t-shirt. Frank scrambled for his phone and called the station.
"This is Frank Stale from the Pittsville Propheteer. I need to interview someone in your studio audience. He's the guy wearing the blue t-shirt that says, 'It's not easy being green'."
Unfortunately the man could not be located.
Over the course of the next several months the witty t-shirt guy was seen in the stands of a Pittsville city basketball game, in pictures taken at the local church's bake sale, and in security camera footage taken from the Hollow St. parking ramp - each time wearing an even wittier t-shit than the last.

First was a t-shirt with the words "Employees must wash brains before beginning to work" with a picture of a young man wearing a business suit getting a lobotomy. Next was a t-shirt that said "Did someone say, 'Did someone say ping pong?'?" with a picture of a man pointing to another man saying, "Did someone say ping pong?" Last was a t-shirt with the words, "I said, 'Quit grabbing my chest'." written in braille.

Soon word spread and everyone in town was on the look out for this witty t-shirt guy. Where was he from? What was his story? Surely if his t-shirts were this witty his words must be even more clever and thought provoking. Rumors began to spread that the witty t-shirt guy may be able to tackle the city's public transit system's budget crisis, that he might be the go-to-guy when it came to cleaning up the corrupt police department, and that he could address rising property taxes once and for all.

Then, one day, he appeared at the steps if City Hall bare-chested. Television crews jockeyed for position and thousands of people begin to gather. The absence of a witty t-shirt must mean the man was there to speak and the town was ready to listen. Hordes of microphones were set in place to capture his surely momentous first words.

"Uh. . . . . . . Better to wear a witty t-shirt for yourself and have no public, than to wear a witty t-shirt for the public and have no self. . . . . . . Ahem. . . . ."

The crowd was silent. "Tell us what to do" someone finally shouted.

"Ummm . . . . . . . . I've always thought that advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. . . . . . . . "

Just then a rock struck the man in the right temple, knocking him unconscious. Frank Stale wiped the chalky reside on his trousers, delighted by his good aim.

The people cheered.

zeroth life lesson: a witty t-shirt and a head full of wisdom does not a leader of morons make.