Numerous pointless talents and super powers / Albatross

- ability to memorize UPC codes

- can make oneself appear 20 lbs heavier at social gatherings

- reading the minds of fish
- can shuffle cards with alarming speed in a variety of artistic fashions

- ability to make time slow down but only when waiting in line

- building VCRs using parts of a laser disc player

- can beat Mike Tyson's Punch Out
- speed reading with little or no comprehension

- can state the exact number of Arby's in any major American city

- arm wrestling

- great judge of distance using furlongs

- can eat an entire horse of given enough time, freezer space, and is allowed to make hoof pie

- skilled at calligraphy