Results paltry, further tests needed / Pew

Hypothesis: The velocity and trajectory utilized when throwing various objects at a garage door is inversely related to one’s thoughts and/or beliefs regarding space and time.

Materials Needed:

House with garage and driveway
Measuring tape
Chalk
Mango
Paper airplane
Tennis Ball
Erasable pen
Pocket-sized notebook
Comfortable shoes

Experiment:

Step 1: Use measuring tape to measure 15 feet from garage door. Use chalk to make a line at this distance.
Step 2: Stand in driveway, behind chalk line, facing garage door.
Step 3: Toss mango at garage door with low trajectory and low velocity
Step 4: Use erasable pen and pocket-sized notebook to record current thoughts and/or beliefs regarding space and time.
Step 5: Repeat step 3 using low trajectory and medium velocity
Step 6: Repeat step 4
Step 7: Repeat step 3 using low trajectory and high velocity
Step 8: Repeat step 4
Step 9: Repeat step 3 using medium trajectory and low velocity
Step 10: Repeat step 4
Step 11: Repeat step 3 using medium trajectory and medium velocity
Step 12: Repeat step 4
Step 13: Repeat step 3 using medium trajectory and high velocity
Step 14: Repeat step 4
Step 15: Repeat step 3 using high trajectory and low velocity
Step 16: Repeat step 4
Step 17: Repeat step 3 using high trajectory and medium velocity
Step 18: Repeat step 4
Step 19: Repeat step 3 using high trajectory and high velocity
Step 20: Repeat step 4
Step 21: Repeat steps 3 through 20 using paper airplane.
Step 22: Repeat steps 3 through 20 using tennis ball.

Results:
Mango - When throwing the mango at the garage door my thoughts regarding space and time tended toward the notion of an expanding universe largely made up of mysterious dark matter in which time is non-existent. These thoughts seemed to intensify as the velocity of the thrown mango increased. In contrast, the trajectory had no effect on these thoughts although I should note that the high trajectory / high velocity toss resulted in the mango sailing over the garage door, into the garden in the back yard.

Paper Airplane – When throwing the paper airplane at the garage door my beliefs regarding space became largely self-centered. I gained a distinct awareness of the physical space my mortal body consumed in the natural world and took on an indifferent attitude regarding its role in the grand scheme of the universe. At the same time my thoughts and/or beliefs regarding time became more and more muddled – so much so that I threw my watch against the driveway at one point, rendering it useless. Both velocity and trajectory failed to influence my thoughts in any significant way. In fact all low velocity and low trajectory tosses could safely be categorized as failed trials as the paper airplane failed to reach the garage door in all such attempts.

Tennis Ball – The greater the trajectory of the tennis ball toss the higher level of understanding I accumulated regarding the complex relationship between space and time and how that relationship changes as one approaches the speed of light. This awareness became less clear after toss attempts with either high or low velocity or trajectory. In contrast, this awareness became so acute after the medium / medium toss that I briefly understood how time travel would be possible and used the erasable pen and pocket-sized notebook to sketch what appears to be the blueprints of a time machine. Unfortunately this high level of knowledge was short-lived as the sketch now appears to be nothing more than a crude drawing of a washing machine with an oven timer on top.

Conclusion: Resulting data outlined above, while at times compelling, shows no statistically significant evidence of a relationship (inverse or otherwise) between the velocity and trajectory utilized when throwing various objects at a garage door and one’s thoughts and/or beliefs regarding space and time. Recommendation of further tests have been submitted to the department head and will be conducted pending the approval of further funding to cover the expenses of additional materials – namely new tennis balls and fresh mango.