Running into Chris / Nog

Leaving work one day I ran into a woman on her way into the building. It was almost as if she did it on purpose. We collided so hard I dropped my blackberry and the battery was jarred loose, sliding across the marble floor. I half-heartedly muttered, “excuse me”, before picking myself up and making my way through the revolving door. As I stepped outside I noticed two gentlemen walk right into each other, as if oblivious to each other, one man losing his cap, the other fumbling his briefcase. A few seconds later another man slammed into me, knocking us both on our asses. We looked at each other dumbfounded, neither one of us able to decipher whose fault it was. Before I rose back to my feet I noticed at least a half dozen other folks lying on the ground, rubbing their skulls, staring at each other in utter confusion. It was as if everyone had lost the inherent knowledge of “you go this way and I’ll go that way” when passing by each other. I scrambled to my feet and tried to make my way to the subway. On the block and a half long trip I collided with 4 other people, each one more scared and upset than the last. When I reached the entrance I creeped down the stairs with by back against the wall and witnessed dozens of people either screaming at one another, tumbling down the stairs, or standing perfectly still, afraid to move. I managed to make it onto the subway but the ride home took forever. At every stop, when the doors opened, the commuters exiting the subway would collide with those trying to enter. I took extensive coaching from the rest of us to get the mess sorted out at each stop. “Sir, calm down, take two steps back and let the lady exit first. We need to cooperate if we’re going to get through this.” When the train finally got to my stop it was mostly empty. When the doors opened I was relived that no one was waiting to enter. I walked off the train and headed toward my apartment, alone on the street. I turned the corner to my block, anxious to see if my wife was OK and turn on the news, when I noticed someone walking towards me. Shit. I briefly considered crossing to the other side of the street before I noticed the same situation unfolding there with a woman walking four dogs walking one way and a man on a bike delivering Chinese food riding towards her. Best to stay clear of that mess I figured. The individual walking towards me was about fifty feet away when I attempted to call out to him and tell him to stay to his right and I’d do the same. As I did he called out to me as well so neither one of us heard the other. I veered to the right and he veered to the left. I stopped and he did the same. After a few moments I resumed walking forward as did he. A few seconds later we were face to face, both wanting to pass. I tried to speak but he interrupted me. We both said, “Pardon me” simultaneously. I put my hand on his shoulder hoping to guide my way past but he put his hand on my shoulder as well and we continued our stand still. It was if I was trying to sneak through my mirror reflection. We both became quite irate, stepping on each other’s feet, inadvertently touching hands and foreheads. We finally both sat down on the sidewalk, frustrated and exhausted. I caught my breath, gathered my thoughts, sprung to my feet and made a run for it. A split second later our heads collided in a loud crack. The last thought we had before we fell unconscious was the realization that we had had the same idea. I woke up several hours later when a dead bird fell onto my chest. It took a moment to remember where I was but when I noticed the bird that collided with my bird lying lifeless on his chest it all came back to me. I stood up and took the two steps needed to pass my still unconscious, nameless nemesis. It was over. I took out a business card and wrote on the back, “dead bird fell on me too. My name is Glenn. Give me a call if you ever want to grab a beer.” He called me the next day. His name is Chris. We remain close friends.

zeroth life lesson: sooner or later everyone will have the same idea at the same time. don't freak out when it happens. take it all in stride.