Hiccups & diapers / Alpaca

So I saw this guy on TV a couple of weeks ago that has had the hiccups for the past 11 years. I made a mental note of this man with the hope of writing a joke or humorous observation (same as a joke?) regarding this man but I’ve given up. I think it’s one of those stories that peaks with the premise. Any further analysis of the situation will only lessen the initial blow of the situation. Any sort of back-story as to how this man first contracted the hiccups or the various failed attempts to get rid of the said hiccups could only cheapen the story. If this man were to find himself as a guest at my house no doubt I would notice the hiccups and make some sort of remark such as, “Do you want me to try to scare you?” or “Were you drinking before you came over here?” to which I’m certain he would reply, “I’ve actually had the hiccups for the past 11 years.” Now I’d like to say that I’d be able to display the necessary restraint and not ask a follow up question. Simply let this remarkable statement stand on it’s own two solid feet. But no doubt sheer curiosity would sabotage my instinct and I’d ask how he first got them. I also have no doubt that his reply wouldn’t stray too far from something along the lines of, “I just woke up one day and had them.” Not that there’s anything inherently wrong with that reply expect that the generic contraction of the hiccups unfortunately takes away from the luster of the fact that the man has had the hiccups for the past 11 years. Much less likely would be a response such as, “I contracted the hiccups immediately after I lost my virginity.” Similarly I’d follow this question with, “what have you done to try to get rid of them?” To which I’m certain he’d reply, “Holding my breath, drinking a glass of water upside down, chewing gum, etc.” Again, a typical and unoriginal response to an otherwise unique and hilarious situation and again, the story would become less extraordinary somehow.

On a semi-related note there was a story that got allot of press earlier this year that involved an astronaut, a love-triangle, a crazy woman, a police chase and a diaper. At least that’s how it was explained to me. That, and that it was the funniest story I would ever hear in my life. OK. Well I’m proud to say that that’s all I know about that particular story. That it involves astronauts, a love triangle, a crazy woman, a police chase, and a diaper. If you happen to know the details behind this story you might think I’m missing out. Nonsense. There are no fewer than two dozen different combinations of events spiraling through my head at this moment that entail astronauts, a love-triangle, a crazy woman, a police chase, and a diaper and I bet at least half of them are more hilarious and mind-blowing than whatever the story happens to be. The moral of the story? If I ever meet a man who tells me that he saved Wesley Snipes from drowning I’ll simply shake his hand, move on and start talking to someone else.