1OUW4FD. . . / Pipette

I’m the type that jots down confirmation numbers. Post-It Notes scattered around my desk remind me of Sprint’s A35H, Direct TV’s QC11987, and Amazon.com’s 4R56Y7U. Other than varying in length by a digit or two they are the epitome of unremarkable. You’ve seen one you’ve seen them all. Still, confirmation numbers remain a necessary evil for those of us that come from the “better safe than sorry” school of thought. So when I received an automated voicemail from Orbitz.com on day reminding me of my upcoming flight I scrambled for a pen when the prerecorded female voice (who I would come to call Robot Lady) started reeling off that all too familiar combination of letters and numbers. Over a dozen characters later I began to realize that everything I thought I knew about confirmation numbers was about to change.

AP120101HJURDW8I.

I saved the voicemail. I played it again. A-P-1-2-0-1-0-1-H-J-U-R-D-W-8-I. Robot Lady called it the Orbitz record locator number and it was a behemoth. Surely they couldn’t be serious with this thing. Weighing in at 16 characters in length and utilizing all 9 digits and all 26 letters, the total number of possible Orbitz record locator numbers is 5,070,942,774,902,500,000,000,000. To put that in perspective, that’s enough for all 6.6 billion people on the planet earth to book 768 trillion airline tickets each. They should be set even if Travelocity and Expedia go out of business. I felt the number had crossed that fine line between obnoxious and hilarious. I listened to message 4 more times that day. That night I played it for my wife, the next day my co-workers, that weekend drunk to a bar full of strangers. Heaven forbid there was ever a lull in any conversation I would whip out my cell phone and regale those around with the ridiculous Orbitz record locator number.

A few months passed. Every once in awhile when checking my messages I’d wonder what that one saved message was. I’d play it and fondly reminisce, “Oh yes, that was a long confirmation number.” I just couldn’t find it in myself to delete the voicemail. Then one day it dawned one me what needed to be done. I would call Orbitz to confirm my flight and read the number back to them. No doubt if they were subjected to their own record locator number they would feel embarrassed and ashamed. They’d apologize profusely and thank me for bringing this obvious oversight to their attention. I wanted an Orbitz employee to admit that their own confirmation number was too damn long. So that’s what I did. A few minutes later I had someone on the phone. “Hi I’m calling to confirm a flight reservation and just happen to have my Orbitz record locator number right here.” To which they replied, “would you please give me that number?” I had them now. The tables were about to turn. I proceeded to read the number back to them in the same computerized, monotone fashion as Robot Lady. When I finished, the customer service person repeated it back to me in such a slick and matter of fact manner that the number didn’t seem that long at all. It took me completely off guard. I panicked. I hung up. Shit. That didn’t work at all. I tried calling back again but this time purposely switching some of the letters - swap a J for a K, a 9 for an N - thinking I could frustrate them. No such luck. They’d just repeat the incorrect number back to me as patient as can be, completely unflustered. Thinking maybe I just happened to get the most patient customer service rep in the history of customer service I continued to call, again and again. Each time was more of the same. Phone call after phone call of the sweetest, most tolerant customer service representatives I’d ever spoken too. Meanwhile I was tape recording every phone conversation thinking I would get some great stuff of Orbitz employees bitching about their own confirmation number policy. All I ended up with was undeniable evidence that I could be a real asshole. “No I did not accidentally mistake a J for a K. Quit repeating it back so fast. Can I get a confirmation number for this phone call?” The plan totally backfired. If nothing else, the whole ordeal was one big glowing testament to Orbitz’ amazing customer service.

At this point I took a step back and reevaluated the situation. My original idea had been resoundly rejected. I came up with a new plan. If I couldn’t get Orbtiz to admit that their confirmation number was too long maybe I get them to admit that a confirmation number could be too long. I decided that I’d call one more time and read them a confirmation number of such magnitude that they’d be forced to either tell me to shut the hell up or hang up on me. I’d just keep reading numbers. It was the only way I could think of getting back at these nauseatingly polite and professional sons of bitches. I’ve provided the transcript of the phone conversation below including the spirited back and forth with Robot Lady I endured each and every time I called. As you will see, I yet again underestimated Orbitz’ impeccable service as the poor guy named Glenn who handled my call allowed me to keep going and going and going. Eventually I gave up and stopped my confirmation number prematurely, ending what I like to think was the most boring game of chicken in this history of the universe. Lucky for me, after losing this game of chicken, Glenn finally says those magic words, conceding that my number was quite long, thus ending my Orbitz odyssey.
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Robot Lady: Welcome to Orbitz TLC. To help us assist you please say or enter your home phone number.

[Phone number entered]

Robot Lady: Thank you. Please hold one moment while I access your account. Main menu. Here are all your choices: Flights, Hotels, Cars, Activities & Attractions, Packages -

Me (interrupting Robot Lady): Flights

Robot Lady: OK Flights. When you’re done here say ‘Main Menu’. Are you calling about an existing reservation or to buy a new ticket?

Me: Existing reservation

Robot Lady: One moment when I look up your reservation. Would you like to change your reservation, cancel your reservation, or purchase a new ticket?

Me: Umm. . . None of those choices.

Robot Lady: I’m sorry. I didn’t get that. Please say, ‘change your reservation, cancel your reservation, or purchase a new ticket’.

Me: Change reservation.

Robot Lady: OK. Change Reservation. Anytime you exchange a ticket expect to pay change fees. Total fees typically average around $130 per ticket. You may also have to pay the difference in fares if your new flight costs more than the original. Did you know most tickets can –

Me (interrupting Robot Lady): Hurry up.

Robot Lady: I’m sorry I didn’t get that. To go ahead and make a change to your reservation say, ‘Continue’. For all other –

Me (interrupting Robot Lady): Continue.

Robot Lady: Please hold while I transfer you to the next available customer service representative. Say stop to cancel. . . Connecting. . . To ensure you receive superior customer service, this call may be monitored or recorded for quality and training purposes.

Glenn: Thanks for calling Orbitz my name is Glenn how may I help you?

Me: Hi Glenn. I’m calling to confirm a reservation and I have my Orbitz record locator number right here.

Glenn: May I have that number sir?

Me: Sure. That number is A-P-1-2-0-1-0-1-H-K-U-R-C-W-8-I-M-Q-3-D-C-3-P-0-7-7-7-7-R-2-D-2-X-2-Y-K-R-P-1-W-2-E-3-R-4-T-8-Y-9-U-7-I-8-0-9-P-O-W-6-H-J-N-K-P-W-4.

[PAUSE]

Glenn: That is a long number.

[PAUSE]

Me: Do you need me to repeat that?