The shovel of dirt situation (a children's story) / Thorax

Once there was a man with a shovel of dirt.
(picture of a well-dressed businessman flirting with his secretary)

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He looked around and couldn't find a suitable place to put it.
(picture of the businessman smoking a cigarette in bed with his secretary laying beside him)

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He tried to ditch it in his desk drawer at work but the cleaning lady found it and said she'd report it to HR is he didn't remove it immediately.
(picture of the cleaning lady witnessing a late night rendezvous between the businessman and the secretary in the businessman's office)

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He wrapped it up and tried giving it as a birthday gift to his good friend Biff but Biff re-gifted it back to him on his birthday.
(picture of the businessman and the secretary secretly exchanging gifts on their respective birthdays)

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He tried sneaking it onto his finished plate at his favorite restaurant but the bus boy found it and put it in a doggy bag for him to take back home.
(picture of the businessman and the secretary having dinner in a romantic restaurant with the businessman's neighbor sitting and watching at a nearby table)

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He went to the pawn shop to try to sell it but all he could get for it was a slightly smaller shovel full of dirt.
(picture of businessman buying a gun at a pawn shop)

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He tried to dump it in his neighbor's yard but his neighbor found it the next day and dumped it back.
(picture of businessman shooting his neighbor in his backyard)

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He took it to the park and tried putting it on top of another pile of dirt but a park ranger saw him wrote him a ticket saying they had enough dirt.
(picture of the businessman burying his neighbor's body in a nearby park)

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He tried eating it but it just came out the other end eight hours later.
(picture of businessman sitting on his neighbor's shallow grave, eating a sandwich)

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He tried sneaking it into the offering plate at church but the preacher said that while he appreciated the generosity, he was going straight to hell.
(picture of businessman in a confessional booth)

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Sick and tired of his shovel full of dirt, he climbed to the highest peak of the highest mountain. There was no one else around for hundreds of miles. If there was ever a place to safely dispose of a shovel full of dirt this was it. He cocked the shovel back and flung the dirt into the air yelling "Fuck you dirt!"
(picture of businessman standing on top of an office building)

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Just then a violent breeze blew the dirt back into his face. It went into his eyes, hair, and mouth. He breathed it in and it entered his lungs, blood, and bones. Then the wind blew him off the mountain peak and hurled him, his shovel, and his dirt to the rocky terrain far below where they they'd spend the rest of eternity side by side, dirt by dirt.
(picture of businessman falling from office building, about to land on the secretary who happens to be standing directly below, hailing a cab)

THE END

zeroth life lesson: it's your dirt. you're stuck with it.