There once was a man who wanted to touch everything. He spent years traveling to every country to make sure he got his hands on the Roman Coliseum, a stone in the Nile river, shit of an Arctic penguin, the medicine cabinet of a Russian farmer, a piece of plankton from the Indian Ocean, the breast of a Canadian woman. Everything. It took him many years but he finally did it. He was very proud. It was in all the papers.
Meanwhile there was this other guy who had no such aspirations. He spent his life exchanging pleasantries with strangers in elevators, matching socks, making trips to the grocery store, watching Wife Swap, and drinking the free stuff from the coffee machine in the break room. One day he heard about the man who had touched everything and got very jealous. "What an exciting life" he thought. "Just to think I've spent the better part of my days waiting in line for movie tickets and trying different brands of fabric softener." But then he realized that the water he used to clean his dishes came from the East river which is connected to the Atlantic Ocean which is connected to the Mediterranean Sea which is connected to the Nile river. The canned tuna in his daily tuna fish sandwich ate the puffer fish which ate the sardine that ate the shrimp that eats the plankton in the Indian Ocean. His wife was Canadian. He'd touched everything too.
This made him feel better.
What both men never realized is that neither of them ever touched Karl Bretherford. Because Karl Bretherford never touched anything you see. He was an agoraphobe. Spent his days cooped up in his mother's condo taking pride in the fact that that the man who claimed to have touched everything never got his hands on him. Karl was one sick bastard. Neither man ever found out about old Karl Bretherford. Little did they know both their lives were a sham. Go figure.
zeroth life lesson: you can't waste time worrying about the karl bretherfords of the world. worry about yourself why dontcha.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment