Email I'll never need to send / Helmet

Gwendolyn-

Not sure if you're the right person to ask but I need to order some new business cards. I've used all of mine. All 2,000 or whatever. The whole box.

I went through them pretty fast. It seemed like every five minutes I was either asked for one of my business cards or I found myself in a situation where offering my business card was expected. Folks wanted 5 or 6 at a time just in case they lost one or met someone else who might be interested in owning one of my business cards. It got to the point where I found it necessary to carry a plastic bag full of my business cards wherever I went. That way when people asked for one I could simply open the bag and allow them to take as many as they desired. Sometimes lines would start forming as I distributed them so I found it easier to simply dump the bag of business cards on the street and allow the hordes in need of one to scramble and fight amongst themselves as I ran clear of the madness.

Do you know if they come in boxes of 10,000?

If so I'd like 100 boxes.

In the meantime would you mind sending my name, title, company name, phone number, fax number, and email address to the following contacts I've made since running out of my business cards? They currently have no way of knowing how to contact me and I expect they'd all like to get a hold of me as soon as humanly possible.

BACH, GROVER - 10341 San Pablo Avenue/ El Cerrito, CA 94530

BADER, DELBERT - 580 Broadway Suite 910/ New York, NY 10012

BARNHILL, OMAR - 8033 Sunset Blvd., Suite 392/ Los Angeles, CA 90046

BAUTISTA, FRANCIS - 17 Timberlake Cove/ Cartersville, GA 30121-5200

BEAL, NATASHA - 4899 South Dudley Street, Suite 4-B/ Littleton, CO 80123

BELTON, KERRY - 1301 Maulhardt Avenue/ Oxnard, CA 93030-7963

BICKFORD, NOEL - 36th Avenue South/ Minneapolis, MN 55406

BOEHM, RODERICK - Pennsylvania Avenue/ San Francisco, CA 94107

BURKHART, ASHLEY - 4704 35th Street NW/ Gig Harbor, WA 98335

CHILDRESS, RALPH - 10 Music Circle South/ Nashville, TN 37203

CURTIS, FANNIE - 9656 Burbank Drive, Suite E/ Baton Rouge, LA 70810

DIAMOND, PRESTON - 132 West 22nd Street/ New York, NY 10011

DICKSON, SPENCER - 253 West 18th Street, Ground Suite/ New York, NY 10011

GILSON, ALEX - 4872 Topanga Canyon Blvd/ Woodland Hills, CA 91364

GOLD, SHERMAN - 10153 1/2 Riverside Drive, Suite 115/ Toluca Lake, CA 91602

GOLDBERG, HORACE - 124 Bemard Street/ Eunice, LA 70535

GUEVARA, GUILLERMO - 580 Broadway, Suite 1004/ New York, NY 10012-3223

HUTTO, CLEVELAND - 1310 Mission Street/ Santa Cruz, CA 95060

KEE, MYRON - 9229 Sunset Blvd./ Los Angeles, CA 90069

KILLIAN, RODOLFO - 1807 2nd Street, Suite 101/ Santa Fe, NM 87505

LEAR, ALTON - 1290 Avenue of the Americas/ New York, NY 10104-0101

MCDANIEL, ADRIENNE - 18653 Ventura Boulevard, Suite 281/ Tarzana, CA 91356

MCNEELY, ROY - 343 Medford Street #4A/ Somerville, MA 02145

MELANCON, ROGELIO - 997 Lauderdale Road/ Kinder, LA 70648

MELLO, GARRETT - 1906 Acklen Avenue/ Nashville, TN 37212

MENDEZ, SHELLEY - 1114 Barkdull Street/ Houston, TX 77006

MONTANO, EDMUND - 740 Broadway, 11th Floor/ New York, NY 10003

MONTERO, SANTIAGO - 633 10th Street #4/ Brooklyn, NY 11215

MOSBY, WM - 145 West 57th Street - 14th Floor/ New York, NY 10019

NILES, NICHOLAS - 76 Main Street/ Waterville, ME 04901

OCASIO, MARCO - 130 Fifth Avenue, 7th Floor/ New York, NY 10011

PAGAN, GRANT - 4316 Marguerite Street/ Vancouver, BC V6J 4G4/ Canada

PARENT, WILSON - 14134 NE Airport Way/ Portland, OR 97230-3443

PERALTA, JOAN - 3039 W. Irving Park Road/ Chicago, IL 60618

PETTY, ROSE - 5505 Walnut Level Road/ Crozet, VA 22932

POLK, CESAR - 74 Broadmoor Avenue/ San Anselmo, CA 94960

ROLLINS, DOMINIC - 1709 19th Avneue South/ Nashville, TN 37212

SCHUMACHER, FLORA - 185 Franklin Street, 5th Floor/ New York, NY 10013

SHORE, JOHNATHAN - 9130 Mormon Bridge Road/ Omaha, NE 68152

SHULL, MALCOLM - 6400 Sunset Blvd/ Hollywood, CA 90028

SILER, CANDACE - 14 East 4th Street/ New York, NY 10012

STRAUSS, WENDELL - 6 West 57th Street/ New York, NY 10019

SUAREZ, JUDITH - 740 North La Brea Avenue/ Hollywood, CA 90038

TANAKA, DYLAN - 2798 Sunset Boulevard/ Los Angeles, CA 90026

TILLMAN, LAWRENCE - 60 East 56th Street 7th Floor/ New York, NY 10022

TONG, WILLIE - 150 5th Avenue/ New York, NY 10011-4311

VETTER, ED - 106 West 49th Street/ Minneapolis, MN 55409

WELSH, JEREMIAH - 1219 W Main Cross Street, Suite 202/ Findlay, OH 45840

WESTER, LORENZO - 12000 W. Pico Blvd., Suite 201/ Los Angeles, CA 90064

WOODWORTH, ARCHIE - 14724 Ventura Boulevard, Penthouse/ Sherman Oaks, CA 91403

Thanks a lot. I apologize if you're not the right person to ask. Last time I needed more business cards Carolyn Peshkin took care of it but she doesn't work here anymore. Let me know if I should be asking someone else.

Have a great day-

Richard Zeroth

'Round the bend / Torpedo

Just another day in Tricksville

pick out a pair of pants
eat up a bowl of oatmeal
small bites - leave nothing to chance
umbrella in your knapsack
though cloudless skies extend
reach for the doorknob clueless
of what's comin' 'round the bend

oh it's comin' 'round the bend my friend
what's comin' 'round the bend
few see it in the distance
most fail to comprehend
oh prophets & kings they'll tell you
how things must start before they end
but they'll never ever warn you
of what's comin' 'round the bend

It's made of horns & feathers
it speaks in tongues of code
it's the polar end of standard
a spork in the homeward road
when lunch is a tuna sandwich

eight times out of ten

that doesn't mean you're safe of

what's comin' 'round the bend

oh it's comin' 'round the bend my friend
what's comin' 'round the bend
few see it in the distance
most fail to comprehend
oh prophets & kings they'll tell you
how things must start before they end
but they'll never ever warn you
of what's comin' 'round the bend

I'm not saying there's no value
in crossin' t's & dottin' i's
it keeps quarters in your pocket
it's vasoline on your thighs
but Tuesdays lead to Wednesdays

those weeks & months they tend to blend

so take heed when turning corners

cuz it's comin' 'round the bend

oh it's comin' 'round the bend my friend
what's comin' 'round the bend
few see it in the distance
most fail to comprehend
oh prophets & kings they'll tell you
how things must start before they end
but they'll never ever warn you
of what's comin' 'round the bend

what's comin' 'round the bend
what's comin' 'round the bend my friend
what's comin' 'round the bend
what's comin'
'round
the bend

Dueling 87's / Carafe

He passes a sign that says, "Welcome to Indiana!" and he can't help but think that the exclamation point is a little unnecessary. The map declares it his third state today but if scenery dictated borders he'd still be in Indihiovania.
The speed limit jumps from 65 to 75 and he tweaks his strategy appropriately.
"Troopers don't pull you over for going 10 over. Everyone goes 10 over. 15 is the magic number. That's when they nail you."
His words evaporate, going unheard. She's still asleep.
He sets the cruise for 87 and rubs his eyes.
In the course of the next 2 hours he passes 12 cars, is passed by 2, she tells him to turn the music down, the Wilco disc skips, and all 3 weigh stations are closed.

There are bales of hay. Hundreds of them.

He comes upon a car on his right, entering the highway from the on ramp so he switches lanes, giving him room to merge.
Soon he sees the same car approaching in the neighboring lane. It slowly creeps along side of him, seemingly coming to a stop as their front bumpers align. For a moment his eyes play a trick on him as it appears both cars have come to rest when in fact they are moving at identical speeds.

They share a space of I94 for several minutes. Just two men driving.

Maybe it was the sudden break in monotony, or maybe it was his appreciation of the absurd, but his mind drifts from the speedometer and the fuel gauge and focuses on the circumstances that had brought the two drivers to this awkward stand still at 87 miles per hour. That they were born in different towns, had gone to different schools, tried different foods, read different books, likely had differing opinions on politics, and fucked different women. Even as recently as this morning they had woke at different times, gone to different coffee places, made different phone calls, had varying success on the crossword puzzle, and had purchased different amounts of fuel at different gas stations. Yet here they are, one in his Pontiac Sunfire and one in his Nissan Maxima, side by side in bumblefuck Indiana, hurling towards home, sharing identical latitudes and longitudes 12 miles above the speed limit.
He turns his head and briefly makes eye contact with the driver of the other car and while no words or even facial expressions are exchanged, he can't help but feel that they find solace in each other.
He entertains the idea of rolling down his window and initiating a mutual acknowledgment of their bond, but but the other car suddenly disappears behind him, breaking the communion and exiting the highway.

Alone again on the road he decides to wake his wife and explain what she's missed but she speaks first.

"You zoning out or something? You just missed our exit."

Making your presence known / Box elder bug

Every morning when you scan your work ID at the front desk of the office building you work in the computer shoots a beam of light across the image of your face and translates it into a series of 1s and 0s that updates the database of the human resources department that keeps track of the days the computer has recognized that same combination of 1s and 0s and uses that information to determine whether or not the company will pay you on the day when you fly home for thanksgiving to visit your grandmother in the nursing home and each day that same combination of 1s and 0s is recognized by the aforementioned database it enters an "X" in an algorithm that tabulates 3.5% of your next maximum pay raise by means of counting all the "X"s you've generated since your last performance review and plotting the sum on a bell curve that represents the statistical average of all the "X"s of all the combinations of 1s and 0s across the country and if a certain predesignated pattern of 1s and 0s and "X"s is maintained over the course of a predesignated period of time a signal is sent to a supercomputer that's kept in a cool cave 3 miles directly below Mount Rushmore that triggers an alarm that notifies the executive director of pattern notification to activate the transponder on a spaceship orbiting mercury that's housing two eccentric and brilliant men who made a bet regarding the feasibility of that particular pattern of 1s, 0s, and "X"s ever arising where the loser agrees to let the winner wear his lucky space pants whenever he chooses where the one man called "Mitchell" said it couldn't be done while the other man who goes by "Smedley" believes it just may one day happen and is fully aware that the future of his beloved space pants ultimately rides on not only your work attendance but whether or not you can manage to remember your work ID when you walk out of your apartment because if you forget your ID and instead notify your employer of your attendance via a manual keypad entry by a member of front desk security or your office manager the computer doesn't get to shoot a beam of light across the image of your face and never sends the series of 1s or 0s and while the "X" is still added to the bell curve by means of an alternate security camera monitoring system all bets are off regarding the space men's space pants so the ship's homing beacon device is activated that initiates the automatic countdown to their vessel's return voyage to whenst they came.

36 words regarding "Regarding Henry" / Leotard

Hotshot lawyer
No time for family
Bullet in the head
Amnesia
Bradley
Ritz Crackers?
Remembers gray carpeting. Wants to go home.
A-J-A-X
AJAX!
Mallowmars
Bradley
Ritz Carlton
Time for family
"I know this great blowfish place."

Olympic sport or not? / Musket

A. In an amazing display of speed and stamina individuals compete in pumping their legs up, down, and up again at great velocity and an extended period of time.

B. In an amazing display of speed and stamina individuals compete in moving their hands together, apart, together, and apart again at great velocity and an extended period of time.

C. Teams sit in apparatus designed to float in the water. The apparatus has a large pole affixed to it upon which fabric hangs. Wind is caught in the fabric, propelling the apparatus in the direction of the wind.

D. Displaying superior strength and balance individuals lay on an inflatable apparatus that rides on the water while being dragged through waves and taken through a multitude of turns at great velocities.

E. Individuals throw a spear as far as they can.

F. Individuals throw a heavy metal ball as far as they can.

G. Individuals throw a heavy metal ball attached to a chain as far as they can.

H. Individuals throw a heavy disc type thingy as far as they can.

I. Individuals throw a tennis ball as far as they can.

J. Utilizing an uncanny knack of balance and hand - eye coordination individuals sprint towards a hole carrying a large stick. Once near the hole the individuals places the stick in the hole thereby propelling the individual upwards, over another stick that been affixed at a predesignated height, parallel to the ground.

K. A team strikes a ball using using a special head piece through different holes located in walls in various locations as the opposing team attempts to deflect the same balls through the same holes in the opposite direction on the other side of the wall.

L. Showing great balance and dexterity individuals place an oblong stick with bristles on one end in the palm of their hand and run while balancing stick from one location to another.

M. Displaying amazing strength, coordination, and stamina teams lift and move various heavy objects from one location to another as fast as possible.

N. Individuals attempt to duck under a stick set at a specific height parallel to the ground.

O. Individuals attempt to jump over a stick set at a specific height parallel to the ground.

___________________________________________________

Answers:

A. Olympic sport (sprinting)
B. Not an Olympic sport (fast clapping)
C. Olympic sport (sailing)
D. Not an Olympic sport (tubing)
E. Olympic sport (javelin)
F. Olympic sport (shot put)
G. Olympic sport (hammer throw)
H. Olympic sport (discus)
I. Not an Olympic sport (throwing a tennis ball)
J. Olympic sport (pole vault)
K. Not an Olympic sport (head wall ball (imaginary sport))
L. Not an Olympic sport (balancing broomstick on hand while running)
M. Not an Olympic sport (helping a friend move)
N. Not an Olympic sport (limbo)
O. Olympic sport (high jump)

Cheesy prelude to a sex scene written by a 6th grader who recently learned the 'F' word / Malamute

Chris and Jamie are high school sweethearts. Sometimes they fight but they always end up getting back together and having sex.

Chris: I'm sorry.
Jamie: Sometimes sorry isn't enough.
Chris: She doesn't mean anything to me.
Jamie: Oh yeah? Then why did Erika say she saw you kissing after AP History?
Chris: She kissed me. I didn't have time to react.
Jamie: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Chris: Dumb or not. It's true. Like my heart.
Jamie: We're through.
Chris: But I love you.
Jamie: Fuck you.
Chris: No. . . Fuck me.

Chris reaches out and touches Jamie's cheek. After a brief hesitation Jamie relents and kisses Chris' hand. They embrace and have sex in the lunch room.

Day in the life of Dyson / Wardrobe

An excerpt from the daily planner of James Dyson, the inventor of the Dyson vacuum who dedicated 17 years of his life trying to create a vacuum with better suction.
________________________________________________________________

- Monday June 8th, 1992 -

7:00: Wake up. Breakfast.

8:00: Brainstorming session – How to create better suction?

10:00: Reexamine current vacuum.

10:15: Smash worthless piece-of-shit vacuum to bits.

10:30: Brainstorming session – Problem seems to lie with lack of proper suction. . .

12:00: Nap.

2:00: Purchase new vacuum to test.

2:30: Attempt to vacuum small piece of cardboard off of floor.

2:32: Pick of small piece of cardboard. Examine it.

2:33: Replace small piece of cardboard onto the floor.

2:35: Re-attempt to vacuum small piece of cardboard off of floor.

2:40: Scream at vacuum.

2:45: Pull off various vacuum attachments.

3:00: Mercilessly beat vacuum with its own attachments.

3:30: Nap.

5:00: Try to smooth things out with Tracy – explain to her recent preoccupation with the problem of suction.

7:00: Dinner with Tracy.

7:15: Ask waiter if restaurant has a vacuum I could look at.

7:16: Break up with Tracy again.

8:00: Call parents. Send more money???

9:00: Get drunk. Make ugly faces in the mirror. Weep.

11:30: Pass out on dirty floor. Dream of better suction.

Sign origin explanation / Jackal

There's a hand written sign taped on top of the chip rack in the bodega on the corner of Flatbush Ave. and Plaza St. that says "No bag for 2 bags of chips". I find it odd that anyone would go out of their way to post a sign specifically stating their policy regarding bag offerings after the purchase of two bags of chips. There had to be some sort of back story.
I imagine it went something like this:

August 14th 2008 - 3:35 PM EST:
Customer: Good day to you sir. Just the two bags of chips for me today. I have on my person a snack-sized Dorito and a snack-sized Funyans.
Clerk: That'll be $1.50
Customer: A modest price to pay for such a delectable treat. Wouldn't you say?
Clerk: (no response)
Customer: And may I have a bag, kind sir?
Clerk places chips in bag.
Customer: Excellent!
Customer exits store.

August 15th 2008 - 3:31 PM EST:
Customer: Ahhh my good man! I trust the day finds you well?
Clerk: May I help you?
Customer: Indeed you may. A single bag of Doritos of the Cool Ranch variety as well as an equally single bag of UTZ Sour Cream & Onion. That should do the trick today old sport.
Clerk: That'll be $1.50
Customer: A solitary dollar and two individual quarters you say? Surely you jest. It's a small wonder that such salty satisfaction could be had for such a paltry sum. Wouldn't you agree?
Clerk: $1.50
Customer: Of course. And here you are.
Clerk: (no response)
Customer: And could I trouble you for a bag?
Clerk places chips in bag.
Customer: Stupendous then!
Customer exits store.

August 16th 2008 - 3:36 PM EST:
Customer: There he is! It appears as if fate has seen it fit to once again place us in the same joyous perimeter.
Clerk: May I help you?
Customer: You are, in fact, the sole being who can help me. For here I stand with a small sack of Chili n' Cheese Fritos as well as a tiny package of Ruffles original flavor and law dictates that I must exchange currency for the aforementioned morsels of salty goodness.
Clerk: $1.50
Customer: As sure as the sun rises in the east will my guilty pleasure set me back that precise amount you've stated but would it surprise you if I were to say that I had some variety to offer you this fine day in the change department?
Clerk: (no response)
Customer: Instead of the dollar bill and quarter you've no doubt grown accustomed to, today I proudly present to you five quarters, two dimes, and a nickel!
Clerk: (no response)
Customer: And all that remains is the matter of the bag.
Clerk: Excuse me?
Customer: The meager plastic carry-all. I shall require one.
Clerk: Huh?
Customer: 'May I have a bag?' is the inquiry I'm so feebly and foolishly trying to express. A thousand pardons for my round about and fancy way of asking.
Clerk places chips in bag.
Customer: Sir you are a gentleman as well as a scholar!
Customer exits store.

August 17th 2008 - 3:26 PM EST:
Customer: Friend, I feel pleasantries, although a must, do not serve justice to our righteous bond!
Clerk: May I help you?
Customer: I admire your steadfastness to the task at hand. A finer businessman no man shall find. You may think I exaggerate, but I assure you my feelings are as firm as your furled brow.
Clerk: May I help you?
Customer: Well played once again. Your point has certainly found it's mark. In my right hand I hold an 11.5 ounce bag of Baked Lays and in the left. . . what could it be but yet another 11.5 ounce bag of Baked Lays! That's 23 ounces and healthy satisfaction all for the always reasonable price of. . .
Clerk: $1.
Customer: Ahhh, I insist you do me no favors my liege. We may be thick as thieves but I demand to pay the same price as the other fine citizens of this fair village.
Clerk: It's a special. Two for a dollar.
Customer: And with that I declare this to be the most surprising of circumstances for which I am woefully unprepared. My delight-filled heart patters at speeds previously thought unattainable. For whatever shall I do with my extra pair of quarters?
Clerk: (no response)
Customer: A third bag perhaps? Your thoughts on such a bold maneuver?
Clerk: (no response)
Customer: Your thoughts?
Clerk: (no response)
Customer: Mmmm I see. Knowing you as I now do I can plainly interpret your minimal participation in the verbal exchange department as a palpable scream to mind my path and stay the course. Just the two bags today, for the third will be waiting here when a new day arises, as days have a habit of doing.
Clerk: Will that be all?
Customer: A bag please - to transport my discounted prize.
Clerk places chips in bag.
Customer: Until tomorrow dear scribe.
Customer exits store.

August 18th 2008 - 3:15 PM EST:
Clerk places sign on chip rack reading, "No bag for 2 bags of chips".

August 18th 2008 - 3:28 PM EST:
Customer: Ahhh! A brief dusk and a brief dawn have passed and here we are again.
Clerk: May I help you?
Customer: Indeed you may. But alas, first I must help myself as a eagerly pluck a single-sized portion of Cheetos as well as a single-sized portion of Munchos. Two separate yet delicious varieties that are soon to become one in my all too privileged mouth, throat, esophagus, stomach, small intestine, and dare I say anal cavity.
Clerk: $1.50
Customer: I must say your tone, while always pleasant and welcoming, carries a tinge of additional joy today. Could it be that my familiar presence and sharp wit has brought to you a supplemental ray of sunshine that the very sky could not provide? Please do me a favor and refrain from answering as the means to your happiness are no business of mine.
Clerk: (no response)
Customer: And I thank you for your cooperation. As always, I cherish your silence as the drifter cherishes his sole sack of possessions.
Clerk: (no response)
Customer: And on the discussion of sacks. All that remains in our spirited transaction, the final act as they say, and when I say 'final act' I mean it in the sense of it being the most important and crucial of the interactions we share, the solitary step in the process that ensures my return each and every day, is you placing my proudly purchased chips in a vestibule by which I may carry them home to enjoy.
Clerk: (no response)
Customer: A bag if you may?
Clerk smiles and points toward sign.

Corner bistro (aka "Ode to Kristie") / Hovercraft

It was her first time in the big city. She was visiting her older brother whom she hadn't seen since last Christmas. She'd grown up a lot since then and was eager to show off her new found independence. Sure, New York could be pretty intimidating to an outsider but she was prepared to skip all the lame touristy stuff and impress him with her desire to simply "hang out".

So far it hadn't gone that well. He'd been pretty much dictating the course, dragging her though the city looking for knock-off Louis Vuitton bags. She was desperate to add some sort of contribution to the day's itinerary. Perhaps she could suggest they check out Chelsea or the Meat Packing District? She didn't know what either term meant but knew they sounded good.

She was looking for just the right moment to say something when he caught her off guard with a question.

"You want to grab something to eat?"

"Sure."

"Where do you want to go?"

Now was her chance to impress her big brother. The old version of her, the one he saw last Christmas, would have replied with an unassuming "it doesn't matter to me" or "wherever you want to go is fine" or an even worse"Golly. I don't know anything about this city. You better pick a place."
Her eyes darted around the intersection, desperately looking for anything that might be perceived as hip and trendy. That place looked good. Wait, that's a wine store. How about that place? Nope, that might be just a coffee shop that doesn't serve food. Is that a Wendy's down the street? Absolutely not. Out of the question.

He pressed her for an answer.

"So? Where you want to go?"

Just then her eyes fell upon a restaurant on the corner. It looked to be busy but not too crowded. She saw a waiter with a tattoo and deemed that a promising sign. Out walked a young woman with large sunglasses - the same kind she was hoping to buy. The place looked perfect. She noted the wooden sign hanging over the entrance. 'Le Jardin Bistro'. She spoke.

"Mmmm Bistro. That sounds good."

As the words escaped her lips she feared they did not make sense. That she'd once again sounded young and overwhelmed and from Minnesota.

Her brother pounced.

He proceeded to tease her about how 'bistro' simply meant 'restaurant' in French and couldn't possibly serve and a valid indicator regarding quality of food. Of course he didn't mention that in actuality 'bistro' carried with it connotations of simple, rustic, and unpretentious fare and that her comment wasn't all that ridiculous. He didn't mention it because she was his little sister and he loved her.

She felt stupid and apologized profously even though deep down she was sure that 'bistro' meant something more than just 'restaurant'. She didn't dare question him though. He was her big brother and she loved him.

They joke about it to this day - as any brother and sister should.

Re: opening ceremonies proposal / Tentacle

Hey Lord-

Funny you should ask as I was pondering the same thing. How about something like this:

The entire world population is gathered around their grandmother's kitchen table. Everyone can see and is aware of everyone else as this is one humongous table (think Noah's Ark?) but at the same time the setting has the familiar feeling of each individual's own grandmother's home. Sorta like when you have a dream where you're in your 5th grade classroom but you're at work at the same time. Anyways, casserole dishes are passed around that are overflowing with heaping portions of favorite foods. Silverware is clinking. Familiar and humorous stories are being regaled. Uncles are breaking wind and aunts are scolding them. Then Grandma enters from the kitchen and says, "Did anybody remember to say grace?"

Suddenly everything goes black!!! The doily upon which the table's gorgeous carnation centerpiece rested has turned into a black hole and has engulfed everything, including the hush puppy hotdish.

All that remains are the souls of the people.

Several moments pass.

Then, just before the darkness seeps into the souls, sending them into oblivion, a pinpoint of light appears. That pinpoint slowly grows into a soft spotlight in which stands a little girl. The little girl walks around for awhile in such a way that it becomes evident that she is meant to represent the world (we'll figure that out later - a name-tag perhaps?).

The little girl will then approach an antique vanity and peer inside. At the same instant the spotlight will move to reveal another vanity mirror set against the back of the first one facing in the opposite direction. The spotlight will then move a tad further to reveal the world peering into the second vanity mirror. The world will then back away from the mirror in the same way that the little girl approached the first one and will continue to mime the little girl's actions in reverse so that it becomes evident that the world is meant to represent the little girl.

Suddenly everything is flooded in brilliant light!!! 666 nuclear bombs are detonated simultaneously but instead of killing everyone it simply reminds everyone that the devil is real and wants you to teach swear words to your little sister and look at dirty magazines and steal packs of baseball cards from 7/11, etc. etc. The radiation and smoke from the bombs is thick and begins to gather above, forming a dense fog. The fog is then cooled by the magic breath of the Holy Spirit and the resulting droplets form into single celled organisms.

Cue the theme to Star Wars.

The single celled organisms then turn into amebas, which turn into tadpoles, which turn into water moccasins, so on and so forth. As this is happening the theme to Star Wars should be increasing in volume as well as speed. By the time the sea cow turns into an ape that turns into the little girl the Star Wars theme should be playing at the speed of light rendering it virtually indecipherable. The little girl should then eat a Big Mac and then explode into 7 trillion billion pieces, each piece transforming into different animals, plants, famous historical figures, economic systems, and emotions so that all are represented.

Then I assume we could end with the old standard: Huey Lewis' 'Hip to be Square' being played as all the entities initially dance, then bicker, then wage war, then consume each other so that all that's left at the end is a ficus, feudalism, Colonel Sanders, paranoia, and a wise-cracking badger. They walk off into the darkness to meet with executives regarding a pitch for a sitcom.

Lemme know if this is what you had in mind. As always, I'd be happy to get together and discuss further.

btw - thanks for the heads up regarding the hanger incident. Your utmost discretion regarding this delicate matter is greatly appreciated.

Your humble servant-

-rz

----Original Message----

From: Almighty, Lord

Sent: Wednesday, August 13, 2008

02:09 PM Eastern Standard Time

To: Zeroth, Richard

Cc: Christ, Jesus

Subject: opening ceremonies proposal

Hi Richard-

Hope all is well. Jesus and I were catching up on some Olympic coverage via the Tivo in the ole' rec room and were thinking that heaven could use its own opening ceremony type deal. You know, something to really get all the new angels jazzed. Figured this might be right up your alley. Don't forget - you owe me one.

Any thoughts/recommendations/ideas would be appreciated.

Hope all is well and keep your chin up (nobody knows about the stinky hanger).

-la

Things I'm indifferent about / Kettle

-the movie, "A Time to Kill"
-getting up in time for the continental breakfast
-blind people
-the little plastic tube like thingy on inner tubes that you blow into
-walking downhill
-Chad (the country)
-Chad (the name)
-buried treasure
-the concept of knocking on wood
-getting two He-Mans on my 6th birthday
-the troops
-the kind of trail mix that doesn't have the m&ms
-monogrammed cuff links
-that there's no 13th floor in most office buildings
-monogrammed towels
-turtles
-social studies
-anything monogrammed

-neck beards
-peninsulas
-the phrase "eat a dick"
-flossing
-sitting on a chair the backwards way (the cool way)
-Flag Day
-sorbet
-Golden State Warrior great Chris Mullin
-the bathroom cleaning schedule posted on the door of office restrooms
-loganberry scented candles
-bodega cashiers calling me "boss"

-your roommate situation

-the Indian Ocean

Pants control / Linoleum

Studies show that this country's obesity epidemic stems from large portion sizes. If we could somehow limit the size of the portions people are eating – maybe that would help them not be so fat.

I think a far simpler solution would be limiting the size of pants.

That’s the main problem we have here. Stores offering pants the size of pitch tents.

If we could just set a limit on the pants I think that would make people think more about the size of the portions. We’ll help you cover up that ass to a certain point but after that you’re on your own. We don't make that size. We can’t help you anymore. You’ve gone past the realm of clothing.

I think this would be especially helpful for those individuals who might find themselves right on the cusp.
Because you’re likely to think twice about ordering that side of waffle fries when you’re living on the edge between pants and drapes.

Life from 22F / Spindle

As the plane dipped beneath the clouds the city came into view. His apartment was somewhere down there. So was his job, his phone bill, and his checking account. For the past 10 days it had all been stewing, 1,500 miles away, eagerly awaiting his return. Now it all sat just a few thousand feet below and a feeling of dread slithered through his tired body. He knew that tomorrow, when on the ground, in and amongst all the tiny day-to-day details that make up a life, it would all work itself out, that he'd find a way to keep his head above water and survive. But here, in 22F, it all hit him at once in an a seemingly insurmountable mound of mundane responsibility. It was all right there in the window. It was all too much.

His ears popped. It hurt.

Proposed swear words / Hydrant

kuckcock
flits almighty
ass badge
lardenzo's oil
cank off

hump of christ
boosh

reamball
hatch cracker

Mary Decker-Slaney

tit-horn
pampers

crankshaft

pope's wang

Digger / Trinket

Oh!

Hi neighbor.

Didn't see you up there.

Me?

Just doing some late night digging is all.

You been up there very long?

I ask because when I came out here I didn't notice anyone looking out the window.

Not that I was trying to remain unseen or anything.

But I was fairly certain the blinds were closed.

So.

Of course. The digging. Right.

Didn't mean to startle you.

Not that there's anything to be startled about. Perfectly normal.

I was just checking. . . the PH balance of the soil.

Been flirting with the idea of starting a garden so. . .

And I heard that the best time to check PH levels was late evening. . .

Which is why I'm back here digging.

So what's new with you?

What sack?

Oh this?

Umm. Testing equipment.

And soil samples.

Yep. Testing equipment and soil samples.

I guess you could say I have sort of a green thumb. Ha Ha.

Ahh hobbies. . . .

So.

You're just hanging out by the window, huh? Enjoying the view.

Beautiful night for it.

You got plans for later on?

Catch a movie? Go out for a drink? A long walk perhaps?

I see.

Tell you what, I think I just might finish planting these tomorrow.

Huh?

Right. Of course. Testing not planting. Nothing to plant or bury here.

Just doing some soil testing is all.

Yep. PH balance.

You know what they say. Too acidic and nothing will grow. Too basic and. . .

Well I'm going to head on in.

Ohhmf. Bags a little heavy.

No no no no I got it. No need for you to come all the way down here.

Lots of samples in here. Lots of equipment.

Yep I see it. It's OK, I think I'll just leave the shovel out here. Get it tomorrow.

And the axe.

Which was out here before by the way.

Enjoy the rest of your evening.

Good night.

Cab driver's (medallion #6V59) crazy "degenerative polyurethane compound leads to an unwanted generation" conspiracy theory / Ampersand

Where to?
Sure thing boss. You got it.
You from around here?
Married?
Kids?
Plans for more?
Don't mean to pry but you got to watch it with those condoms man.
Yeah that's right. I said condoms. Rubbers. Jimmy hats. What have you.
I happen to know that the man who invented the polyurethane compound used to stop the little swimmers from seeping through the latex and into the 'ole ho ha didn't cross his i's and dot his t's if you know what I mean.
Yep. I ain't lying.
You ever hear of Gabe Fallapino? He's the Italian cat who invented the condom back in 1984. Little did he know that the polyurethane compound is degenerative in nature and has a half-life of 12 years. That means that sometime in 2008 condoms are going to stop working man. Straight up. Unwanted babies will start popping up in the world-wide epidemic.
How do I know?
Because I hear things man. Because in my line of work I'm able to take in a lot of information. You don't got to worry about how I know. I just know, OK?
But get this. That's only half the story chief.
In a crazy twist of fate it turns out the same degenerative polyurethane compound used in condoms is also used in the medical procedure to safely terminate unwanted pregnancies.
See?
Don't you see what I'm getting at?

Do I need to spell it out for you?

Any day now all these crazy fucking kids that spend their days screwing in the bushes are going to start getting knocked up cuz the rubbers won't be worth jack shit. So they'll all run to the clinics but the abortions aren't going to work either man. All because Gabe Fallapino cut some corners when working with the polyurethane compound. The world population is going to explode with little fuckers that no one wanted in the first place and they're going to be pissed, believe you me! A whole generation of unwanted spawn.

Take a right here?

They're going to grow up with chips on their shoulders the size of Detroit city my friend. They'll camp out in abandoned office buildings and terrorize folks when they go on their lunch breaks yelling things like, "Is that you mother?" and "Is it OK if I go over to Billy's after school? I promise to be home in time for dinner." At night they'll roam the streets wielding machetes feebly looking to hack the limbs off the parents that abandoned them - the moms and dads they've never seen. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Well here we are.
That'll be $12.57.

The picnic idea / Fortress

He got back from the coffee shop around 2 o-clock to find his wife laying on the couch and the baby asleep in the crib.

"Has she been sleeping for very long?"

"No."

It wasn't hard to gather that there was more to that 'No'. Within that single word festered many levels of frustration. It was a, 'No, the baby hasn't been sleeping' and a 'No, I haven't left this cramped apartment in three straight days' as well as a 'No, I didn't get to spend 2 1/2 hours at a coffee shop' not to mention a 'No, we don't have anything in the fridge that sounds good for dinner.'
What followed was an extended and uncomfortable moment of silence. A voice in the back of his head, the voice of a husband and father perhaps, mentioned that now was his turn to say something. Something good.

"Umm. It's really nice outside. You want to go to the park and hang out for a few hours?"

"Sure."

Three minutes later he had packed sandwiches, fruit, crackers, wine, dog bowl, leash, diaper bag, bottle, baby blanket, and mr. jingles.
Twenty minutes after that they were sitting in the shade, watching the baby coo at the swaying branches overhead and the dog chase squirrels. They spoke of the future with a satisfying air of confidence.
They would move to a bigger place.

They would watch less television and spend more time outdoors.
Their daughter would not grow up to be goth.
Their dog would never catch a squirrel.

They would try to coordinate their evenings taking care of the baby so that they both had time to exercise.
And finally, since they were eating a substantial snack so late in the afternoon, they'd alter their dinner plans from steak fajitas to something simpler and less filling - perhaps cereal. Yes, cereal.

There.
For the first time in several months their lives felt neat and in order. Things were settled.

A few hours later they headed home.

He made pancakes for dinner.

The old man / Parallelogram

Get outta my way!

Fucking people staring at me like I give two shits. This sidewalk's big enough for the both of us and even if it's not show some god damned respect for a veteran.
This neighborhood's gone straight down the shitter - that much I can tell you. Imbeciles staring at their hand-held gizmos and blabbering in their ear-hole gadgets, talking to some other moron about their new gizmo not even bothering to look where they're going.

Sons-a-bitches can all die slow if you ask me.

Jesus Christ now what's all this about? Get your god damned hands off of me!!! If I needed your help I would have asked for it. Hell, I may wobble a bit from time to time but that don't mean I need to be helped along like some damned kindygartner on their way to the bus stop.
And would it kill someone to make a pair of comfortable slacks? God damned buttons and snaps this way and the next so I don't know what's what. I got this strap here that's supposed to fit in over here but there's no clasp. How am I supposed to keep these up without a clasp for this strap? It's a wonder my pecker isn't hanging in the breeze.

Unfuckingbelievable.

I swear to Christ if there's someone sitting on the bench on Park and 5th I will raise hell the likes you've never seen. If I've told them once I've told them 1,000 times that's my god damned bench and I've got no qualms with kicking your gold-bricking ass to next Tuesday if you think otherwise. You'll watch me lie down taking up all 3 seats and you'll like it.
Homeless person my ass. I'm old and I'm tired. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Fucking birds.

Fully-disclosured condo listing / Alabaster

EXCLUSIVE! OPEN HOUSE MONDAY, August 4th, 12:30-2:00 p.m. 1360 22nd street.
This house-sized duplex condominium has lots to offer! Ride the elevator that's been masturbated in 12 times to the third floor, and step into a dramatic open-plan living/dining level. The well-appointed kitchen has expansive counter-tops that have been masturbated on only 4 times as well as brand new Viking and Sub-Zero appliances that have yet to be masturbated on! The bright, graciously proportioned living room has four east-facing windows and a spacious dining alcove that has been masturbated in on 44 separate occasions.
There are three bedrooms and a full bath on the third floor (that have been masturbated in 76, 58, 12, and 110 times respectively) and an absolutely spectacular loft-like master suite on the top floor (231 times) complete with its own bath (98 times), and a wood-burning fireplace (just once)! There's also a newly restored rear brick building that's accessed via a private walkway and would make the perfect art or dance studio, workshop, or home office to masturbate in. One more flight up reveals a spectacular 830 sq.ft. landscaped roof deck that's currently being masturbated on with views from the harbor to the Empire State Building. Excellent public schools, transportation and hip 5th Avenue are all within reach!
(Jack Clemens 718 634-8600 ext. 212)

Letter to sports from Brian / Nectar

Dear Sports-

You're so great. I'd love to get together sometime and just pick your brain. I can't help but imagine all the crazy thoughts that must go through your head. Stuff like, "we'll put knives on their shoes and make them scoot around on the ice" or "we'll put big red gloves on them and let them pound each other". Amazing.
What's your favorite food? Mine is ice cream. That is if you can even call ice cream a food (lol)!
How did you get so good? I always see you on TV running around and throwing balls and jumping up and down all over the place. You must get awfully tired. I bet you take long naps.
Do people ever pick on you? I bet not, because you are so big and strong. If anybody gave you any lip you'd probably just sock 'em up with a home run and a touchdown. Man wouldn't that be great! The ole' double whammy!
Are you good at math? I bet you have to be in your line of work. Numbers all over the place. Dunk shots are worth 2 points while backhand shots can be 15, 30, or love points. At least water polo is pretty straight forward. I'm just OK at math.
Well I should get going. Keep up the good work with all the games and fun times.

Write me back.

Your pal-

Brian