. . . one of these / Marmot

Caught you at my sales presentation catching some z’s.
Next time you doze off when I'm speaking I’ll give you one of these.(1)

Noticed you hanging out at Belinda’s desk, shooting the breeze.
If you ever get past first base I’ll give you one of these.(2)

Mike said he saw you in the break room stealing my cottage cheese.
If I ever catch you red-handed I’ll give you one of these.(3)

Rumor has it you're ordering lunch and were considering Chinese.
If you think I can get in on that I’ll give you one of these.(4)

Heard you’ve requested some face time in front of the board of trustees.
If you even think of mentioning my shenanigans I'll give you one of these.(5)

(1) Hand clenched in a fist
(2) Hand raised waiting for high five
(3) Right index finger slid slowly across throat
(4) $10 bill
(5) Pelvic thrusting motion with hands on hips

Mrs. Doubtfire set her tits on fire / Whammy bar

SAN FRANCISCO, California (AP) -- After nearly 19 years of marriage, Robin Williams and his wife are getting divorced. Marsha Garces Williams filed a petition for dissolution of marriage on March 21 in San Francisco Superior Court, citing irreconcilable differences*.
Robin and Garces Williams have two children together, Zelda and Cody.
Williams, 56, won an Academy Award for his role in the film "Good Will Hunting." He also starred in the 1980s sitcom "Mork & Mindy," and has acted in a number of movies including "Dead Poets Society" and "Patch Adams."

*likley differences unable to be reconciled:
-blood sugar level
-fervor regarding Monica Lewinsky scandal
-time napping
-utterances of the catch phrase, "Is that your final answer?"
-rapping ability
-Flubberness
-amount of hair

Cruel game / Blinders

The bear tugged at his shirtsleeve. It ripped but he didn’t budge. He remained curled with his knees at this chest, his head at his knees, and his hands clasped behind his neck. He heard the bear circle behind him and he tried to hold his breath but his beating heart filled his lungs so he resorted to quick and shallow puffs of air. He felt a tug at this shoe heel. A minute later he felt hot breath on the top of his head. He didn't want to die. Then he heard the bear trudge away. . .
Then nothing. . .
He counted to one hundred and did not move. . .
He wanted to live. He wanted to grow old. He decided to he’d wait a half hour. He counted to sixty and then started over, marking the minutes by carefully flexing the fingers. . .
A half hour later there was no sign of the bear. He wondered if a half hour had been long enough to wait. He really wanted to live. He’d lay there motionless for six days if he was told that’s what he needed to do. Was a half hour long enough? He waited another half hour, counting the minutes in the same manner. When he lost count he'd error on the side of caution and went back to a number he’d sure he’d already passed. . .
After another half hour still no sign of the bear. He needed to play this right. It was a matter of life and death and he wanted to live. No use in risking anything. He continued to wait. . .
He heard wind and leaves and the occasional bird but no bear. He waited some more. . .
He unclasped his heads and slowly raised his head just far enough to see over his knees. No sign of the bear. He continued to wait. . .
Surely this had been long enough. He decided he’d count to seven and then he’d stand up. Seven was his lucky number. It would be his way of letting fate decide. It made perfect sense. He started counting to seven. At six he decided to make it seventeen. At sixteen he decided to make it seventy. At seventy he still didn’t move. He didn’t have the nerve. He didn’t want to die. He wanted to live. . .
He took a deep breath, the first deep breath he’d taken since seeing the bear in the path. He counted to seven again. This time at seven he stood. He turned around and saw the bear, about twenty feet away. The bear charged and he stumbled backwards, falling back to where he’d been. He was still contemplating the difference between fate and regret when the bear tore his head off.

zeroth life lesson: there's being careful and there's being extra careful. the latter is foolish and should be punished as such for there's no hiding from your destiny.

Brotherhood / Caboose

So there I was, drunk with a bed sheet over my head ready to force some kid I’d never met before play me in Nintendo Ice Hockey. In about 30 seconds he’d be led through the door and I’d greet him by taking a pull off of a bottle of Jim Beam through a hole I’d cut in the bed sheet for such a purpose. Then, using nothing but incomprehensible grunts and unclear hand signals, I’d instruct him to take a seat, pick up a controller, and choose a team. Exactly three minutes later Mark “The Munch” Browler would emerge from the bathroom, drunk and naked, screaming at the top of his lungs for no reason in particular.
Browler said “Good luck” before entering the bathroom and as I turned to acknowledge him I noticed he had used a magic marker to color the head of his penis green for some reason. I instinctively knew not to question it. I was sure it had something to do with brotherhood.
I heard 3 knocks on the door which was my cue to finished my beer, grab the bottle of Beam, and turn on the Marilyn Manson.
The door opened and the kid's eyes met mine. I realized then that joining that fraternity was somehow the dumbest and smartest thing I’d ever done.

Hundletort hard, diddlehort hard / Stogie

Alphatort
0:00 Relapadap
1:00 Relapadap
2:00 Relapadap
3:00 Relapadap
4:00 Relapadap
5:00 Relapadap
6:00 Relapadap
6:20 Rise
6:30 Shine
6:45 Apply Shreds
6:55 Exhaust comp-beast via trekking
7:20 Bite Fuel Primi
7:50 Scrub Grinders
8:05 Lipgrind matchmate
8:20 Trundleport glide to oomphdrain
8:55 Activate starescreen
9:01 Hundletort
9:08 Acknowledge cocrags
9:09 Hundletort
10:00 Hundletort
11:00 Massmeet @ Timefeast quadrant A3
12:00 Hundletort
13:20 Bite Fuel Secondi
13:45 Hundletort
14:00 Hundletort
15:00 Hundletort
16:00 Massmeet @ Timefeast quadrant B7
17:00 Massmeet @ Timefeast quadrant E3
18:00 Hundletort
18:30 Deactivate startscreen
18:35 Trundleport glide to pseudoranch
19:14 Lipgrind matchmate
19:35 Bite Fuel Trifecta
20:00 Exhaust comp-beast via trekking
20:25 Hypnozone
21:00 Hypnozone
22:00 Hypnozone
22:50 Selfplacate
23:05 Snuff
23:15 Relapadap

Trickletort
0:00 Relapadap
1:00 Relapadap
2:00 Relapadap
3:00 Relapadap
4:00 Relapadap
5:00 Relapadap
6:00 Relapadap
6:20 Rise
6:30 Shine
6:45 Apply Shreds
6:55 Exhaust comp-beast via trekking
7:20 Bite Fuel Primi
7:50 Scrub Grinders
8:05 Lipgrind matchmate
8:20 Trundleport glide to oomphdrain
8:55 Activate starescreen
9:01 Hundletort
9:08 Acknowledge cocrags
9:09 Hundletort
10:00 Hundletort
11:00 Massmeet @ Timefeast quadrant A3
12:00 Hundletort
13:20 Bite Fuel Secondi
13:45 Hundletort
14:00 Hundletort
15:00 Hundletort
16:00 Massmeet @ Timefeast quadrant B14
17:00 Hundletort
18:00 Hundletort
18:30 Deactivate startscreen
18:35 Trundleport glide to pseudoranch
19:14 Lipgrind matchmate
19:35 Bite Fuel Trifecta
20:00 Exhaust comp-beast via trekking
20:25 Hypnozone
21:00 Hypnozone
22:00 Hypnozone
22:50 Selfplacate
23:05 Snuff
23:15 Relapadap

Equitort
0:00 Relapadap
1:00 Relapadap
2:00 Relapadap
3:00 Relapadap
4:00 Relapadap
5:00 Relapadap
6:00 Relapadap
6:20 Rise
6:30 Shine
6:45 Apply Shreds
6:55 Exhaust comp-beast via trekking
7:20 Bite Fuel Primi
7:50 Scrub Grinders
8:05 Lipgrind matchmate
8:20 Trundleport glide to oomphdrain
8:55 Activate starescreen
9:01 Hundletort
9:08 Acknowledge cocrags
9:09 Hundletort
10:00 Hundletort
11:00 Hundletort
12:00 Hundletort
13:20 Bite Fuel Secondi
13:45 Hundletort
14:00 Hundletort
15:00 Hundletort
16:00 Hundletort
17:00 Hundletort
18:00 Hundletort
19:00 Hundletort
20:00 Hundletort
20:30 Deactivate startscreen
20:35 Trundleport glide to pseudoranch
21:14 Lipgrind matchmate
21:35 Bite Fuel Trifecta
22:00 Hypnozone
23:00 Hypnozone
23:05 Snuff
23:15 Relapadap

Tiretort
0:00 Relapadap
1:00 Relapadap
2:00 Relapadap
3:00 Relapadap
4:00 Relapadap
5:00 Relapadap
6:00 Relapadap
6:20 Rise
6:30 Shine
6:45 Apply Shreds
6:55 Exhaust comp-beast via trekking
7:20 Bite Fuel Primi
7:50 Scrub Grinders
8:05 Lipgrind matchmate
8:20 Trundleport glide to lifedrain
8:55 Activate starescreen
9:01 Hundletort
9:08 Acknowledge cocrags
9:09 Hundletort
10:00 Massmeet @ Timefeast quadrant R7
11:00 Massmeet @ Timefeast quadrant R7
12:00 Hundletort
13:20 Bite Fuel Secondi with headcog
14:00 Hundletort
15:00 Hundletort
16:00 Hundletort
17:00 Hundletort
18:00 Hundletort
18:30 Deactivate startscreen
18:35 Trundleport glide to psyudoranch
19:14 Lipgrind matchmate
19:35 Bite Fuel Trifecta
20:00 Exhaust comp-beast via trekking
20:25 Hypnozone
21:00 Hypnozone
22:00 Hypnozone
22:50 Selfplacate
23:05 Snuff
23:15 Relapadap

Tailtort
0:00 Relapadap
1:00 Relapadap
2:00 Relapadap
3:00 Relapadap
4:00 Relapadap
5:00 Relapadap
6:00 Relapadap
6:20 Rise
6:30 Shine
6:45 Apply Shreds
6:55 Exhaust comp-beast via trekking
7:20 Bite Fuel Primi
7:50 Scrub Grinders
8:05 Lipgrind matchmate
8:20 Trundleport glide to oomphdrain
8:55 Activate starescreen
9:01 Hundletort
9:08 Acknowledge cocrags
9:09 Hundletort
10:00 Hundletort
11:00 Massmeet @ Timefeast quadrant A3
12:00 Hundletort
13:20 Bite Fuel Secondi
13:45 Hundletort
14:00 Massmeet @ Timefeast quadrant B6
15:00 Hundletort
16:00 Hundletort
17:00 Deactivate startscreen
17:01 Trudge to Diddlehortle
17:20 Diddlehort with cocrags
18:00 Diddlehort
19:00 Diddlehort
20:00 Diddlehort
21:00 Diddlehort
21:30 Trundleport glide to pseudoranch
22:00 Lipgrind matchmate
22:10 Bite Fuel Ancillary
23:05 Snuff
23:15 Relapadap

Riftform
0:00 Relapadap
1:00 Relapadap
2:00 Relapadap
3:00 Relapadap
4:00 Relapadap
5:00 Relapadap
6:00 Relapadap
7:00 Relapadap
8:00 Relapadap
8:15 Rise
9:00 Apply Shreds
10:00 Exhaust comp-beast via trekking
10:30 Bite Fuel Primi
11:00 Tally drubs from hundletort
11:25 Lipgrind with matchmate
12:00 Trade drubs for bite fuel
13:00 Tally reamining drubs
13:30 Trade drubs for shreds
13:45 Tally reamining drubs
14:00 Bite Fuel Secondi
15:00 Relapadap
16:00 Relapadap
17:00 Contact matchlads
18:00 Encounter matchlads @ Diddlehortle
19:00 Diddlehort with matchlads
20:00 Bite Fuel Trifecta
21:00 Diddlehort
22:00 Diddlehort
23:00 Diddlehort

Loomdread
0:00 Diddlehort
1:00 Diddlehort
2:00 Diddlehort
3:00 Trundleport glide to psyudoranch
3:30 Lipgrind with matchmate
4:00 Snuff
4:10 Relapadap
5:00 Relapadap
6:00 Relapadap
7:00 Relapadap
8:00 Relapadap
9:00 Relapadap
10:00 Relapadap
11:00 Relapadap
12:00 Relapadap
13:00 Relapadap
14:00 Rise
14:30 Tally remaining drubs
14:35 Retally remaining drubs
14:40 Chort over lack of remaining drubs
14:45 Vow to cease Diddlehorting
15:00 Relapadap
16:00 Relapadap
17:00 Relapadap
18:00 Hypnozone
19:00 Bite Fuel Primi / Secondi / Trifecta
20:00 Hypnozone
21:00 Hypnozone
22:00 Hypnozone
23:00 Snuff
23:15 Relapadap

Lola's find / Balm

He had made a habit of taking the dog to the park at dusk. The dog fidgeted in anticipation as he unhooked the leash. She darted into the open field, releasing a days worth of untapped energy in the first few strides, and he smiled and wished he could do the same. Park rules prohibited unleashed dogs after 9 am but encounters with any fellow park walkers, let alone park rangers, were few and far between at this hour. They had acres to themselves. She was good about not meandering too far, keeping up. He could put his head down and set a course for the softball fields knowing full well that every hundred yards or so he’d hear the jingling of dog tags approaching from behind. Seconds later she’d speed past him and resume sniffing and exploring the ground, always keeping tabs of her master.
He was about a half mile in when he noticed a lack of jingle. He turned to scan the expanse of rolling terrain left behind but didn’t see her. He called her name. Nothing. He took two steps back the way he’d came and called her name again. He could see his breath. Still nothing. God damned dog. He backtracked, mad that she was dictating his pace, his direction, and not vice versa. A minute later he saw her at the edge of the woods, scratching at the ground. He called her name again and she looked at him for a moment before returning her attention to the land below. Stupid fucking dog. The sun was dipping below the trees now so he couldn’t make out what exactly it was that had her interest. An upturned beetle, a torn tennis ball, a dead bird perhaps. As he approached she started digging and he told her to stop in half-assed mutter that surely would have no effect. He arrived at the spot in question and saw that she had flung aside the various leaves and twigs to expose a small section of earth, dug an inch deep. “What’s there girl?” She looked at him, huffed, and resumed digging.
Something was there.
He nervously looked around the park, making sure no one was watching. The site of his breath made him realize he was breathing faster, nervous and not sure why. She kept digging. His whole body shivered. The deeper she got the faster the dirt flew. He thought of parents, his sisters, his wife, and his son all at once. He looked in the expanding hole but couldn’t see anything. It was too dark. He wondered if he had been a good son. Did his parents resent him for leaving? He let her continue to dig. He questioned his strength as a husband and father, whether he had any handle on his family’s happiness. The dog suddenly stopped. She barked and he saw a glow somewhere down deep in the earth. He now got on his hands and knees and burrowed further. The dog helped. As the light grew stronger he panicked. He realized the strings that bound his life were thin and frayed. They reached the source of the light and it broke through in a terrific blaze, illuminating the night sky. He looked at his dog standing on the other side of the hole and she looked at him. They were both covered in dirt. They both laughed. They were the same. It was time to go home. Time for dinner.

zeroth life lesson: life is beautiful.

One of these things. . . / Organ

. . . is not like the others.
One of these things is not the same.
If you guess which one is not like the others;
then you've played our game.
_________________________________________________
Round 1

A. Cavity
B. Retainer
C. Molar
D. Darrell Waltrip
E. Fluoride
F. Dental Floss
_________________________________________________
Round 2

A. The Andy Griffith Show
B. Hogan's Heroes
C. Bewitched
D. My 3 Sons
E. Leave it to Beaver
F. Romans Chapter 6 verse 23: The wages of sin is death
_________________________________________________
Round 3

A. Courage
B. Strength
C. Butt Plug
D. Determination
E. Effort
F. Stamina
_________________________________________________
Lightning Round

A. C
B. B
C. D
D. I once knew a man who tried to make an actual-sized map of the earth. He made it as far as far as his kitchen but gave up after realizing he's have to move the stove in order to measure the wall.
E. E
F. F
_________________________________________________
Bonus Round

A. Lacrosse
B. Cricket
C. Rugby
D. Polo
E. The Chronicles of Riddick (Widescreen Unrated Director's Cut)
F. Croquet
_________________________________________________
Ground Round Bar & Grill. Great Food. Great People. Great Place.

A. "One for the road"
B. "Step on the gas"
C. "You sure that's your penis?"
D. "Keep your chin up"
E. "Time is money"
F. "Fork in the road"

C, E, D, C, F, D :srewsnA

Warm & Fuzzy Math / Dollop

If x is the square root of talking in your sleep and y is geometric mean of fucking up the asparagus then the negative reciprocal of 2x/y = 101403 = October 14th, 2003 = the date I bought my favorite hunter's cap at that garage sale for $1 that you sometimes wear when we go to pick up the laundry. The same principle of which can be expressed exponentially by the following theorem:

Her smile when he stumbles is twice as great as his tired insecurities divided by the chance that they might just make it.

In regards to your recent resume submission / Dinghy

Dear Burt -

Thank you for your interest in our open position of Head Bee Beard here at Last Resort Entertainment, Inc. After careful and deliberate consideration we must inform you that we cannot offer you employment at this time. While your resume is immaculate in terms of Bee Beard Model experience, we are actually looking to employ an actual Bee Beard. Frankly I'm surprised I have to tell you this as the job posting clearly states "Experienced Bee Beard Needed" not "Experienced Bee Beard Model Needed". An honest oversite on your part no doubt - but I digress. If you are still looking for employment would you happen to have any interest in a new position we're creating here called Bee Beard Recruiter? I ask because we feel strongly that you'd be a great fit given your extensive experience in the Bee Beard community. Truth is, we've had a hell of a time tracking down any Bee Beards at all and we could use all the help we can get. Bee Beard Models like yourself? Dime a Dozen. Actual Bee Beards? Not so much. It's crazy. Do you happen to know any Bee Beards that might be interested? Tell me this - is there even such thing as a Bee Beard? Not in terms of an object or tangible thing, because we both know they exist, but in terms of a conscious entity that has the ability to reply to job postings. Do Bee Beards have the capacity to do that? Because I'll tell you the God's honest truth here, Burt, I'm starting to have my doubts considering our lack of viable applicants. Any information you might have to help us get to the bottom of this Bee Beard fiasco would be greatly appreciated. At any rate, thanks for your time and for your interest in our company. We'll keep your resume on file in case anything blah blah blah you know the routine.

Best of luck in all your endeavors,

Floyd Jenkins
Executive Fish Stick
Last Resort Entertainment, Inc.

Resume submission for job listing 609867334 / Monocle

Burt Lunderchoot

943 Nybro St. At. 4F
Milwaukee, WI 53201
6o8-444-8239
Bee_lunderchoot77@gmail.com

Qualifications Summary:

Over five years experience in bee keeping and bee beard performance. Stellar reputation for strong sting tolerance; a proven track record in standing motionless for extended periods of time while insects crawl across lower half of face. Thrives in a high-pressure, deadline-driven environment. Gets on well with people of all age, race, and creed.
_______________________________________________________________________
Professional Experience:

Bee Beard Model / Performance Artist
June 2006 - Present
How About That! Traveling Circus
- Spearheaded, starred, and served as the executive producer of the ‘Insect Squadron’.
- Performed as ‘BumbleBurt the Crazzzzzzy Bee Beard Model’ three times a day, three times a week in various major cities/markets including but not limited to Sacramento, Scottsdale, El Paso, Baton Rouge, Des Moines, Spokane, and Dover.
- Assisted 'Pants' Malloy on the trampoline.

Senior Bee Keeper
March 2003 – June 2006
Milwaukee Zoo
- Designed, implemented, and maintained bee habitation system.
- Directly responsible for the livelihood and well being of over 30,000 bees, over 6,500 of which were Africanized.
- Learned to successfully interpret various pitches of swarm 'humming' to determine feelings of hunger, fear, anger, and happiness which led to record breaking honey yields in six consecutive quarters (Q1 2005 through Q2 2006).

Insect Control Specialist / Apple Picker
May 2002– March 2003
Richland Apples Estates
- Maintained 8 acres of Braeburn, Fiji, Granny Smith, Etter's Gold, Gala, and Wagener apples.
- Implemented and saw to the daily runnings of the 'Spare a Bee' program which successfully transported thousands of bees from one orchard to another to avoid exposure to potentially harmful insecticides.
- Picked apples.
________________________________________________________________________
Education:

University of Wisconsin – La Crosse
Graduated in December 2002
B.A. in Psychology
________________________________________________________________________
Applicable Skills:

Proficient in itch suppression, honey storage techniques, Microsoft Word, and Excel.

References available upon request.

File under 'skilled trade & craft' / Goggles

Experienced Bee Beard Needed

Reply to: job-609867334@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-03-14, 3:45 PM CDT

Exciting opportunity at a cutting edge company with plenty of room for advancement. Last Resort Entertainment Inc. is looking for smart and eager bee beards ready to show off their unique talents to highly prized clients ready to be entertained. We travel the country providing last minute alternative forms of entertainment at various corporate sponsored events in the event unforeseen cancellations, uncooperative weather, and/or celebrity no-shows.

As our Head Bee Beard you will:

-Travel with Team L.R.E. on our semi-furnished company bus.
-Provide the illusion of abundant facial hair by utilizing a harmonious, tightly packed and appropriately shaped swarm of bees.
-Maintain this illusion for up to three hours.
-Repeat performance as necessary up to 6 days per week.
-Assist with other acts when necessary (i.e. balloon sculptor, civil war reenactment member, flea circus, sword swallower, etc.)

Applicants for consideration must possess:

-Minimum of 2-3 years work experience as a bee beard or other applicable trade (i.e. wasp mustache, hornet flavor saver, etc.)
-Reputation as a disciplined self-starter who regularly sets and achieves goals.
-Extensive knowledge of bee keeping, pollination technique, and general hive hierarchy.
-Excellent verbal and written communication skills.
-High threshold of pain and high tolerance of bee venom.
-Proof of CPR certification and possession of epinephrine auto-injector kit in the case of anaphylactic shock
-Ability to work well in a small team environment and operate those steam canisters that keep bees calm for some reason.
-Willingness to travel and work irregular hours as needed.

Apply Today!

Practical tripe / Ball bearings

Fretting over the life cycle of a dragonfly, attempting to reverse engineer the progress of man, questioning the validity of symmetry; all seemingly novel pursuits that ultimately backwash into unclouded ambiguity.
Well allow me to offer this minute moot point. . . . . . . . . . . . . . Run, don’t walk, to whatever is is you were considering walking to. If you can manage that you’re far more than 1/2 way there. In fact I’d go so far as to say 5/8s. And that’s nothing to shake a stick at, so to speak. So make haste! And as you embark, a little tune for your travels. . .

Break a bone. Crack a smile.
Hit the road. Stay awhile.

Do-it-your-self / Cape

There are a total of nine things you need to remember when fixing a storage drain.

9. Never run along side of a moving card dealer.
8. Always triple-count the number of pairs of singles in your wallet.
7. It's never too late to try to forget the horrible memory your sister ruining your favorite trip down memory lane.
6. There are three things to keep in mind while attempting to negotiate a choppy thunder current.
a. Hold your breath only when absolutely necessary and advised by a hired professional who is already currently holding his or her own breath and the breath of another passenger.
b. Double check your mileage chart for errors in mileage.
c. Hold on tight to your 'Hang in There" kitten poster.
5. Stay in a single-file line unless specifically instruced to stay in a double-file extra curvy line.
4. It's never too early to get a jump start on the new book you've been meaning to check out before you buy before you read.
3. Be wary of people who speak hasitly while staring at oncoming traffic headed toward you from behind.
2. Hedge your bets on games that don't require participation of those who fancy partaking in the practice of "underchucking".
1. Take pride in the fact that you are a unique and complicated piece of rubbery machinery that really has no business attempting to repair a storage drain in the first place.

Pop's shaky justification / Smelt

> . . . a beautiful wreath for Pat Neppal. Her mother's in the hospital so a bunch of us went over there for coffee last Thursday. She's sponge painted her bathroom herself and it looks really neat.
>Uh huh. What's Dad up to?
>He's outside painting the house.
>Still? I thought he had finished that weeks ago?
>All except for the very top of the north side. The ladder's not tall enough to reach so I think he's got it standing on the boat trailer. I told him it was too dangerous but he insists on finishing it himself.
>A ladder on top of a boat trailer? Did he drag the trailer to the side of the house?
>Yes. Ronnie helped him.
>The side of the house isn't exactly level. Is Ronnie at least holding it steady?
>Ronnie and Carol left early this morning for Yuma. Hold on your dad just walked in.
>Let me talk to him.
>Hello?
>Dad what are you trying to do kill yourself?
>What?
>The ladder. You got it on a boat trailer?
>It wasn't tall enough.
>You think that's safe?
>I braced the wheels with rocks. She's not going anywhere.
>What if you fell?
>Well. . . I figured if I fall from way the hell up there I'm dead anyway.

Searching for Keanu / Bolo

Excerpt from the Speed screenplay

Someone go and check if he came out the back.
Can you see him?
He’s not behind us.
What?
He’s not back here.
Go lay down and look under the bus and see if you can see him.
Can you see him?
No.
You don’t see him back by the tires?
I can’t see him.
Are you sure?
I can’t see him.
Do you see him?
Did we hit him?
Look out the back of the window.
My tools!
Would somebody get him his tools?
Please help him hurry.
God we’re dragging him.
Do you see him?
Where is he? Is he there?
Do you see him?
I see him!
What?
I see him!
Is he OK?
He’s all right.

Proper etiquette for a graveyard visit / Canister

First things first - custom dictates that you plan your visit on a windy day, preferably in late autumn. Rain should be in the forecast. It’s proper to approach the grave site with your hands in your pockets, the wind lightly blowing your hair. Leaves should also be blowing. Once you reach the headstone there are two appropriate courses of action. You may either look up towards the heavens and bite your lower lip as you fight back tears, or you may drop to one knee, make your hand into a fist and gently bite that hand’s index finger as you fight back tears. Do whichever one feels more natural - totally up to you. If it hasn’t started raining at this point feel free to spend several minutes sobbing as the wind blows through your hair. Again, leaves should be blowing as well. Do not attempt to speak before the rain begins. Once it starts raining there are several appropriate things you may say. Feel free to choose one of more utterances from the list provided below:
-Why?
-I’m sorry.
-Henry's doing great in school.
-Why God?
-I tried.
-Damn you Jim!
-You were right.
-Why God, Why?
-Clarence sends his regards.
By this time the wind should be wildly tossing leaves and the rain picking up in intensity. Now pay attention because this last part is crucial – it’s traditional for a long lost friend, estranged parent, concerned teacher, or archenemy to approach you from behind. Even though you may know they are there do not acknowledge their presence. It's customary for this person to then say, “I thought I’d find you here.”
Congratulations! You’ve successfully visited a gravesite.

Comfort / Laser

When all seems lost, with few signs of hope to be seen;
I take comfort in the fact that my debit card won't expire until 2013.

Betabet soup / Defibrillator

Take a seat young man and allow me to tell you the tale of Solomon Grigsby. They* called him “The Betabet Man”, a moniker earned by taking a little thing called the alphabet to the next level. The year was 1929 and the English language was in desperate need of a kick to the shorts. Folks were tired of the same old ABCD, XYZ, and especially LMNOP. Good ole’ Mr. Grigsby turned the language you and I know so well on it’s phonetic ass by single-handedly adding the letters Lee**, Hap***, and Tripletal**** (spelled here phonetically as today’s keyboards fail to include them). He did so in a gin inspired, frantically written letter to his wife (who was sleeping in the next room) where he felt the things that needed to be said could not be expressed with the standard 26 letters used to compose this here modest story. While the letter was never read by his wife, Solomon’s brother Peter came across it years later while snooping through his deceased sibling’s sock drawer. Peter stole Solomon's letter, memorized it, and ate it, seemingly destroying the only evidence of the achievement. The next day he went to his noodle assembly line job at Campbell’s and secretly created the rarest can of Alphabet Soup the world has ever seen. Rumor has it the sole can of Betabet Soup has been passed down among the Grigsbys from generation to generation but the family denies any knowledge of such a can. A representative from Sotheby’s said that if the can does in fact exist it would be appraised at $87.

*His brother
**The letter ‘Lee’ looked allot like an inverted capital ‘D’ except it had a small line crossing the middle of the vertical line on the right hand side.
***‘Hap’ was basically a box with a dot in the middle.
****‘Tripletal’ looked like a drawing of a sailboat with a little man inside fishing for sturgeon.

The grape incident / Sky hook

He didn’t want to be there. It was his wife’s friend’s sister’s engagement party. Or was it his wife’s friend’s husband’s sister. Or sister’s friend. Whichever. It was one of those afternoon soirees with the cheese plates and the napkins and the TV turned to some sort of radio channel that seemed to play a lot of 10,000 Maniacs songs.
With no desire to initiate conversation but with a need to keep himself looking busy he filled a small paper plate with various fruits, crackers, and dips for the third time. He had managed to snag a relatively isolated seat on a window sill when it happened.
Using a plastic fork he scooped a grape from the paper plate and lifted it to his mouth. About three quarters of the way there the grape fell from the fork, bounced off of the paper plate, and rolled underneath the nearby sofa. Hoping to mask the innocent blunder he continued to lift the fork to his mouth and proceeded to mime eating an invisible grape.
His eyes darted across the room as he chewed nothing, checking to see if anyone had noticed the faux pas. A woman standing near the kitchen counter quickly averted his gaze after their eyes briefly met. She knew. He had been had. And for the slightest of moments he panicked as his mind attempted to determine the proper course of action. Options flashed through his brain like machine gun fire.
He could excuse himself to the restroom and hang himself from the shower curtain rod.
He could walk up to his wife and kiss her hard on the lips before leaving the party and never speaking to anyone ever again.
He could retrieve the grape from under the sofa and forcibly feed it to the woman who saw him.
Like a CD with a scratch, these thoughts skipped back and forth in his head, again and again, for what seemed like an eternity but what couldn’t have been more than a couple seconds. He was on the brink of slipping into utter madness when he noticed a price tag still hanging from the woman's skirt. That simple site served as both his salvation as well as his impending doom as it jarred him back into the moment and made him acutely aware of the absurdity of life - the hilarity and desperation of it all.
His eyes welled with tears as he went back to the snack table for more mini meatballs.

zeroth life lesson: casual socialization is laborious and often more depressing than total isolation.

7 weak horse related analogies / Manhole

Nailing a job interview:
Succeeding at a job interview is allot like taming a wild stallion. Much importance can be placed on first impressions. A good navy suit is like a trusty lasso in that it’s often overlooked but may very well seal the deal. Having action words in your resume like ‘spearhead’, ‘orchestrate’, and ‘initiate’ are the gentle strokes of the mane performed by the master horse whisperers. . .
Wine & food pairing:
Choosing the proper wine to accompany your meal is allot like choosing the right horse for a journey. Some meals are robust and spicy while others and light and sweet just like some journeys are long and treacherous while others are quick and stay to a well-trafficked path. So while a bold cabernet might go well with a filet mignon, a Clydesdale would be well suited for a lengthy trip hauling a large amount of supplies across the Appalachians. . .
Excelling at water skiing:
A good water skier is nothing more than a purebred racing horse. Just like a good skier sees the water as his second home, the racing horse sees the track. Also I think I remember hearing that the ability to water-ski was hereditary – just like horse racing. Anyway a good pair of skis is like a good pair of horseshoes in that one must take care to ensure a proper fit for a smooth and painless ride. The boat is like the stable. . .
Dating:
Like a cowboy to his trusty steed; so are two soul mates that happen to find each other. And while the loyalty found between cowboy and horse does not develop over night; so is meeting your soul mate often not love at first site. The first date is like that first oat bag. The goal here is to gain trust. If things progress and intimacy appears to be in the cards don't forget to use a saddle with spurs and blinders. . .
Losing weight:
You need to look at reaching your goal weight like a horse delivering an important package via the pony express in the 1860’s. Not only is the journey long, it requires patience and stamina. Throughout your journey you can expect to be ambushed by Indians (fast food cravings) and outlaws (carbohydrates) when delivering your important package (self-esteem) to General Hancock’s army (daily exercise) in time for battle (brunch special). . .
Buying real estate:
Buying property is allot like buying a ranch with horses. Actually I suppose it could be exactly like buying a ranch with horses if that’s the type of real estate you are in the market for. A good real estate agent can round up several potential properties in your price range for you to consider much like a border collie can lead horses into some sort of barn. . .
Decorating your home:
Choosing the right style of furniture and deciding on a particular theme for your home can be looked at the same way as a rancher choosing the right horse for stud. Both are investments in the future. The mare chosen is also vital and can be compared to the interior decorator. A good art collection is like horse semen. . .

The meaning of success / Sheepshank

The happiest man I ever met worked for a soda pop company. I worked with him one summer in the late ‘90s. I was 19. He was 60 something. We worked midnight to morning. Our job consisted of going from grocery store to grocery store and taking the pallets of 6-packs, 12-packs, cases, 1 liter, and 2 liter bottles in the back storage room and restocking the soda pop aisle. He took great pride in making sure the shelves were full and organized by brand, each label facing forward. In the event of a Dr. Pepper shortage he would create the illusion of abundance by pulling the remaining Dr. Peppers to the front of the shelf. His work was immaculate - a true master of his craft. He’d acknowledge the completion of each store by straightening the last bottle, turning to me, offering his hand for a shake, and simply saying, “Success!”
Indeed.