Bradicca: the final tabloid / Rhonda Phoof

Mon June 1st, 9:24 am EST

Washington D.C. (AP) - Brad Pitt and Jessica Simpson engaged in a lengthy bout of public fornication on the White House lawn amongst thousands of shocked and delighted onlookers Sunday afternoon. Tourists and locals alike oohed and ahhed, snapping pictures and video taping the copulating couple as paparazzi desperately jostled for position.

According to witnesses, Pitt (45) and Simpson (28) started aggressively fondling each other shortly after 1:00 pm EST before announcing that the fledgling crowd "get [their] cameras out because [they're] about to witness the second Big Bang." Shortly after, Simpson unzipped Pitt's pants and began stroking his knob as the crowd cheered. Things quickly escalated from there. By the time Simpson mounted Pitt reverse cowgirl near Michelle Obama's famed vegetable garden the crowd had swelled to at least 2,000 and included fellow celebrities Tiger Woods, the Octo-mom, Oprah Winfrey, and Justin Timberlake who was reportedly masturbating. "I got the whole thing on my Flip camera" stated Winfrey. "In fact I gave everyone there a Flip camera to document this momentous occasion."

The clip surfaced on YouTube before the couple had finished intercourse and quickly garnered 100 million hits before being deleted due to lewd content and reposted on PornoTube. In fact, those with iPhones equipped with Skype began transmitting live video feeds to friends and family just as Simpson reached her fifth of alleged nine orgasms.

Jeremy Piven was also reportedly there.

It's rumored that widespread fears are circulating amongst publishers of celebrity based magazines suck as OK, Star, In Touch, US, and People that this episode of public star fucking will damper interest in their relentless coverage of famous people doing anything at all.

Renowned celebrity photographer and paparazzi member Alex Barney echoed such concerns. "This is it. I can't imagine anyone ever caring to see a picture of Drew Barrymore purchasing a bran muffin in her sweatpants ever again. We're fucked."

In what some are calling a desperate attempt to monetize the affair, the aforementioned celebrity centered publications are scrambling to ditch their lead stories and focus on the Pitt / Simpson sex union. OK Magazine had planned to feature a rumor that Hugh Jackman prefers riding horseback to limousines on its cover but will now lead with an in-depth story titled "Stars are just like us: They sixty-nine!" Similarly People will ditch a story of Madonna's new Grape Shasta diet in favor of close up shots of Pitt's erect wang.

Whether or not the public will take the bait and pay $6.99 for a collection of photographs they've already seen or own themselves remains to be seen. "Now that I've seen Jessica Simpson's ass in person and discussed it at length with my coworkers and children I don't feel it necessary to get TMZ's or Billy Bush's take on it" said Gretchen Felber, mother of four who was on her way to the Washington monument with her family when she heard of the famous pair's hard core fucking nearby. "As far as celebrity news is concerned I now feel like I've seen everything I need to see. I'm finally satisfied."

When reached for comment members of the Pitt camp denied the open screw session. "This story is completely fabricated," said a spokeswoman for Pitt. "Brad was in Namibia shopping for children with Angelina for the afternoon in question. This must be a clear case of mistaken identity."

It's rumored that Barack Obama witnessed the romp from the window in the oval office.

The milestone event came to conclusion at 2:17 pm EST when Pitt released his sought after celebrity seed on Simpson's equally treasured breasts. As they put thier clothes back on (Pitt was wearing a Tom Ford suit with an ascot and Gucci loafers and Simpson a Baby Phat hoodie with Diesel jeans) a group of 4th graders recited the pledge of allegiance. The visibly exhausted Pitt then thanked the crowd, punched and old woman in the face, and reminded everyone that "Inglorious Basterds" opens on August 21st.