Life at 1 billion* / Stanley Sofar

*(best read while imagining Bob Costas voice over)

31.688087814 years. . .

We watched with unbridled intrigue as he passed the long afternoons at his grandma's house, pacing through her vegetable garden, head down, chopping grasshoppers in half using a pair of hedge clippers.

391.934944568 months. . .

We wept for him when he climbed atop a large, bronzed boat propeller in Duluth, MN in an attempt to get a better look at the seagulls soaring above before losing his balance while adjusting his father's binoculars, falling, landing on the propeller with a leg on either side, and missing a full week of school due to swollen testicles.

11,574.074 days. . .

We cringed as he stood on the shoulder of I94, bawling, reluctantly tossing a bag of pot into the ditch as the police arrived when moments earlier he had attempted to simultaneously change the radio station, light a joint, and navigate rush hour traffic before losing control and crashing his parent's conversion van into the guard rail.

277,777.7778 hours. . .

We cheered for him when he took his future wife to a Five for Fighting concert at Irving Plaza for some reason where he watched in perplexed awe as the surprisingly male dominated crowd openly wept during "Superman (It's Not Easy)".

16,666,666.67 minutes. . .

We marveled at his tenacity when he used his annual $5oo employee health and wellness credit to purchase a Bowflex SelectTech dumbell set which now sits, unused, under a blue rain tarp in his backyard.

1,000,000,000 seconds. . .

What might the future hold for this heroic, complicated, often misunderstood, warrior? Join him at the Marcuja Bar in Williamsburg this Monday night, June 15th 11:18:40 pm EST and see for yourself as he celebrates turning 1 billion seconds old.

He'll be wearing a blue hat.