Letter I actually sent / Cornelius Happenstance

Walnut Acres

Consumer Relations

4600 Sleepytime Drive

Boulder, CO 80301-3292

Dear Sir or Madam-

I'll get right to the point. I'm having a hell of a time opening your jars of pasta sauce. At first I dismissed it as a fluke. Perhaps I was working with a defective jar. Perhaps I had somehow managed to temporarily confuse my 'lefty loosies' and 'righty tighties'. Perhaps the simple act of boiling spaghetti had somehow rendered my forearms more exhausted than I anticipated. At any rate, after 10 minutes of pounding it on the counter, swearing, running it under hot water, cursing, running it under cold water, resting, trying to jimmy it open with a butter knife, stretching, and rolling it across the kitchen floor for some reason , I finally got it open.

The sauce was pretty good.

Since then I've purchased the 25.5 oz size of Walnut Acres Organic Tomato & Basil Low Sodium Fat Free Pasta Sauce on three separate occasions and each time I was rewarded with a lid wrenching struggle that questioned my manhood. Frustrating to say the least as a spaghetti dinner doesn't taste nearly as good when in the back of your mind you can't shake the thought that you might be a pussy.

But here's the thing. I'm not a pussy. It's not me. It's your god damned jars. I'm 6 foot 2 - 200 lbs. If I can't open your jars I can't imagine that the waify, colon cleansing, vegan, farmer's market frequenting, lonely female demographic that your organic pasta sauce no doubt caters to is having any more luck. I refuse to believe that the same girls who ride bikes to work and read books of which movies have already been made all happen to own automatic electric jar openers.

Frankly it blows my mind that I find myself in the position of alerting you folks to your own product accessibility issues. Evidently no one there has ever tried to open a jar of your sauce. I suppose employees are given their own tremendous ladels to carry around and are free to dip directly into the large vats of piping hot pasta sauce and fill their car trunks at their own leisure thus never having to encounter the steadfast and formidable lids. Bottom line is you clowns need to check the settings on your lid screwer machine because something is out of whack.

I'd go on but I need to save my energy. Ravioli tonight.

Yours truly,

Richard Zeroth