How to remember a dream / Timothy Whereabouts

Hi. If your anything like me, you often have majestic and terrible dreams. The only problem is you forget them a few seconds after waking up. No more. If you follow these simple steps you'll never forget your dreams again.

First of all, keep a pen and small notebook near your bed to jot down your dreams as soon as you wake up. This one may sound like a no-brainer but it warrants top billing here because folks often don't keep the pen and paper close enough. If you wake up at 3 in the morning in a cold sweat because you just had a dream were a cat named Dilso made out of ham explained to you how the theory of relativity and quantum mechanics were interconnected, you don't want to be reaching all the way to your nightstand for a pen while hastily muttering to yourself, "atoms divided by light plus time equals gravity, atoms divided by light plus time equals gravity, atoms divided by light plus time equals gravity." By the time you've fumbled with the pen cap and knocked over the lamp it's too late, you've forgotten the theory of everything. I suggest hanging the pen and paper from your bedroom ceiling using some kite string. Use enough string so that it hangs just above your face as you sleep. This way when you wake up after a dream it will always be in easy reach, just inches from your face. Now that's dreaming with style my friend!

Tip #2. I inferred this in the first tip but don't be afraid to say your dream out loud right after you wake up. The verbal repetition will help you remember details that would've otherwise drifted off into oblivion. I can't tell you how many times this method has preserved precious details from my own mind stories. For example, I never would have remembered the dream I had about being murdered in my sleep by a man with a hatchet if I hadn't woken up and yelled, "There's a man in the room with a hatchet! Wake up, he's got a hatchet!" Not only did I remember this dream but my wife heard me and reminded me of it the next morning. I call that the ole' double reminder two times special! Other dreams I've remembered this way include the one I had where I couldn't see ("I can't see! I can't see!"), the one where I ordered a turtle for dinner in Spain ("Una tortuga por favor. Una tortuga por favor."), and the one where I'm back in 5th grade and I'm being tested on the capitals of non-existent states ("Townsville, North Arean! Assapolis, New Brainhead! Seety City, St. Sainters!").

Another great trick is after you wake up always trying to dream your way back into your dream. This isn't easy and requires a lot of practice but trust me, it's possible. True story. A few weeks ago I had a dream that I was a world famous penis model. Everywhere I went people would give me free money, ask for my autograph, and congratulate me on my fantastic schlong. I won't go into detail here but let's just say that I did OK the lady department as well. Anyways, when I woke up from this winner I immediately snatched the notebook and pen hanging in front of my face and jotted every last detail that I could remember (see tip #1), then I said "I'm a famous dong model and am privileged with a life of fame and fortune" out loud 25 times (see tip #2), finally I shut my eyes tight, clutched my pillow and tried to dream my way back onto that runway in Milan with my wang hanging out. It worked! There I was back at the couture show with all the front row celebs like Mark Wahlberg, Pat Summitt, Queen Latifah, dude from Hootie, and Jerry Maguire all clapping at my cock! Word of warning though - if you do dream your way back into your own dream it's more likely that when you wake from it the second time you'll be very very very depressed. . . . . . . .

OK last tip! If all else fails feel free to make a dream up. No one gives two shits about your dreams in the first place. Do you seriously think your friends or coworkers are even half paying attention when you're all like, "Last night I had a dream where we were sitting in my apartment but it wasn't really my apartment, it was the house I grew up in. And you were you but you were wearing these sunglasses that were welded to your head like you were a cyborg or something." Fucking kill me now, right? Instead use my penis model dream. That'll likely turn a few heads and you won't sound like such a pathetic douche.

Well that's it! Keep dreaming and reach for the stars and soar with the eagles and stuff!

Handle Davis III (thrice removed)