At the top of Baron Hill in Glendale Park in Tricksville sits Skylar Mall. It's an open marble structure with a marble roof supported by seven marble columns. Beneath the roof sits several picnic tables and a barbecue pit. Although beautiful in structure and location, Skylar Mall was rarely used for social gatherings by the fine folks of Tricksville due to its reputation of being a hang out for the homeless, a hub of local drug trade, and the place where naughty teenagers drink booze from funnels and sexually assault each other.
But on Saturday morning seven weeks ago something funny happened at Skylar Mall. One of its magnificent marble columns had been replaced by a tetherball pole, complete with tether and ball. That afternoon a few brave souls climbed Baron Hill and played a few games. They even took some time to pick up some of the empty liquor bottles and hypodermic needles. They had fun.
The following Saturday it happened again. Another of the marble columns had been hollowed out and filled with beach balls. This freaked out several of the bums and lowlifes who went looking for new accommodations and attracted even more people looking to enjoy the beautiful day and lightly toss beach balls at each other.
Five weeks ago the trend continued. The third column of Skylar Mall was now an aquarium. A palpable buzz spread across Tricksville and city officials followed suit by arresting the remaining vagrants, suddenly making Skylar Mall the most popular barbecuing location in all of Glendale Park. The aquarium even had some of those crazy looking puffer fish.
A week later folks actually showed up at dawn to claim the facilities at Skylar Park theirs for the day. They were shocked to see that yet another of the marble columns had mysteriously transformed. This time it was a rope ladder. The park dwellers who arrived too late sat at the bottom of the hill and begrudgingly hosted birthday parties, ate sandwiches, listened to music, and looked with envy up at the folks partying and rope climbing in Skylar Mall.
By the next weekend the secret was out. It was in all the papers. Something miraculous was happening at Skylar Mall and everyone wanted the privilege of grilling their burgers under the roof supported by a tetherball pole, a beach ball bin, an aquarium, a rope ladder, and three marble columns. The Pekensmythe family called the city parks department and payed $10,000 for the exclusive usage rights of Skylar Mall that Saturday to host Uncle Leon's retirement party. When they arrived they say that a fifth column had been replaced by harp strings. Leon turned out to be quite the maestro on the harp.
Last weekend the park was flooded with national media. Surely the peculiar column transformations were the work of a higher power and everyone wanted in on the story. Reporters, cameramen, Jesus freaks, and simple folks just looking to roast some wieners had to jostle for position just to get a glimpse of what had become of the sixth column. It had been carved into an elaborate mosaic depicting the glories and joys of barbecuing. After hearing the news, Bobby Flay took his private jet to Tricksville and cooked chile relleno tamales dusted with blue corn meal for all those that had come to report, eat, and worship.
Just yesterday the roof of Skylar Mall collapsed. So far they haven't been able to decipher what the seventh and final column had been transformed to, if anything. What they do know at this point is that the other six columns could no longer support the marble roof. Excavation crews are working around the clock, looking for clues as to the make up of the seventh column. Was is a carousel? A cotton candy machine? A water slide? Just plain old sturdy marble? Everyone remains optimistic that the dedicated workers sorting through the destruction will soon uncover the truth, and the truth will blow people's minds. Having to first pull the 87 pulverized bodies out of the rubble certainly isn't helping to move matters along though.
zeroth life lesson: try not to get caught up in hysteria; the marble roof always falls.
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