2008 War of the Words: Field of 64 / Succotash

ADJECTIVES REGION 1 bulbous 16 unorthodox 8 daft 9 glib 5 catatonic 12 uncanny 4 lackadaisical 13 subsequent 6 tepid 11 teeming 3 tremendous 14 ample 7 paltry 10 collateral 2 snarky 15 meddling NOUNS REGION 1 apparatus 16 gist 8 byproduct 9 outcropping 5 smattering 12 antidote 4 plethora 13 vat 6 syndrome 11 nincompoop 3 assassin 14 hordes 7 rogue 10 moxie 2 anecdote 15 minion

______ ____ ______ ____ ______ ____ ______ ____ ______ ____ ______ ____ ______ ____ ______ ______ ____ ______ ____ ______ ____ ______ ____ ______ ____ ______ ____ ______ ____ ______

______ ____ ______ ____ ______ ____ ______ ____ ______ ____ ______ ____ ______ ____ ______ ______ ____ ______ ____ ______ ____ ______ ____ ______ ____ ______ ____ ______ ____ ______

VERBS REGION coagulate 1 malfunction 16 cackle 8 crackle 9 bungle 5 wrangle 12 lollygag 4 doodle 13 squish 6 squander 11 botch 3 nod 14 fuck 7 misconstrue 10 ricochet 2 circumvent 15 ADVERBS REGION schematically 1 brazenly 16 furthermore 8 otherwise 9 almost 5 tardily 12 parenthetically 4 semi-circularly 13 thrice 6 jocularly 11 just 3 haggardly 14 elsewhere 7 morbidly 10 indubitably 2 westward 15

2008 War of the Words: Adjectives Region / Bulbs

ADJECTIVES REGION

1 bulbous 16 unorthodox 8 daft 9 glib 5 catatonic 12 uncanny 4 lackadaisical 13 subsequent 6 tepid 11 teeming 3 tremendous 14 ample 7 paltry 10 collateral 2 snarky 15 meddling

1 bulbous 8 daft 5 catatonic 4 lackadaisical 6 tepid 3 tremendous 10 collateral 2 snarky

1 bulbous 5 catatonic 3 tremendous 10 collateral

_________ _______ _________

2008 War of the Words: Nouns Region / Moonshine

NOUNS REGION

1 apparatus 16 gist 8 byproduct 9 outcropping 5 smattering 12 antidote 4 plethora 13 vat 6 syndrome 11 nincompoop 3 assassin 14 hordes 7 rogue 10 moxie 2 anecdote 15 minion

1 apparatus 8 byproduct 12 antidote 4 plethora 6 syndrome 14 hordes 7 rogue 2 anecdote

8 byproduct 12 antidote 6 syndrome 2 anecdote

_________ _______ _________

2008 War of the Words: Verbs Region / Boll weevil

VERBS REGION

1 coagulate 16 malfunction 8 cackle 9 crackle 5 bungle 12 wrangle 4 lollygag 13 doodle 6 squish 11 squander 3 botch 14 nod 7 fuck 10 misconstrue 2 ricochet 15 circumvent

1 coagulate 9 crackle 5 bungle 4 lollygag 6 squish 3 botch 7 fuck 2 ricochet

1 coagulate 4 lollygag 3 botch 2 ricochet

_________ _______ _________

2008 War of the Words: Adverbs Region / Banister

ADVERBS REGION

1 schematically 16 brazenly 8 furthermore 9 otherwise 5 almost 12 tardily 4 parenthetically 13 semi-circularly 6 thrice 11 jocularly 3 just 14 haggardly 7 elsewhere 10 morbidly 2 indubitably 15 westward

1 schematically 9 otherwise 5 almost 4 parenthetically 11 jocularly 3 just 7 elsewhere 2 indubitably

1 schematically 5 almost 3 just 2 indubitably

_________ _______ _________

2008 War of the Words: Sweet Sixteen / Bloomers

ADJECTIVES 1 bulbous 5 catatonic 3 tremendous 10 collateral NOUNS 8 byproduct 12 antidote 6 syndrome 2 anecdote

________ ________ ________ ________

________ ________ ________ ________

VERBS coagulate 1 lollygag 4 botch 3 ricochet 2 ADVERBS schematically 1 almost 5 just 3 indubitably 2

2008 War of the Words: Elite Eight / Molotov cocktail

ADJECTIVES 1 bulbous 5 catatonic 3 tremendous 10 collateral NOUNS 8 byproduct 12 antidote 6 syndrome 2 anecdote

1 bulbous 3 tremendous 12 antidote 2 anecdote

coagulate 1 botch 3 schematically 1 indubitably 2

VERBS coagulate 1 lollygag 4 botch 3 ricochet 2 ADVERBS schematically 1 almost 5 just 3 indubitably 2

2008 War of the Words: Final Four / Bramble

ADJECTIVES 1 bulbous 3 tremendous NOUNS 12 antidote 2 anecdote

1 bulbous 12 antidote

coagulate 1 indubitably 2

VERBS coagulate 1 botch 3 ADVERBS schematically 1 indubitably 2

2008 War of the Words: Championship / Lumberjack

ADJECTIVE WINNER (1) bulbous NOUN WINNER (12) antidote

(1) bulbous

(2) indubitably

VERB WINNER (1) coagulate ADVERB WINNER (2) indubitably

2008 War of the Words: Grand Champion / Mascarpone

bulbous

Main Entry: bul·bous

Pronunciation: \ˈbəl-bəs\

Function: adjective

Date: 1578

1 : having a bulb : growing from or bearing bulbs
2 : resembling a bulb especially in roundness (a bulbous nose)

Today was a good day / Toadstool

Just waking up in the morning gotta thank God.
I don't know but today seems kinda odd.
No snoozing through the beep, good sleep;
Start a new day with the last complete.
Hit the shower up, new bar of soap;
Trim up the phat beard makin' sure that I look dope.
Egg 'n cheese sammy to go as I hit the door.

Picking up the paper, lookin' hardcore.
I gotta catch the train, gotta do it by 8:10;
and when I swipe the metro it doesn't say 'swipe again'.
Step in the train, nab a seat;

Get to my stop, crossword puzzle's complete.

Coffee stand's got no line.

Here comes that bitch Lynn but the elevator closes just in time.

Fire up Outlook and check my schedule, ya'll.
Only got one meeting and it be a conference call.
Get me on Excel and it's on, bro.
Last week fucked around and built a macro.
Refreshing pivot tables every god damn which way.
I can't believe, today was a good day.

Time for lunch and hit up the deli.
Didn't forget to add peanut butter to my jelly;
Cause just yesterday them fools tried screw me.
Bag of Ruffles and a Coke and I'm back to work, G.
Clock hits 2, head to the meeting room
'Mr. Zeroth I presume.'
Chumps whack with the phone, client's pissed, might explode.
What's the haps with the moderator code?
Blackberry, sort by date, look it up, dial it.
Typing in that meeting number;
With the star seven, seven four seven, eight then eleven;
Seven star and we good to go. We talked about cash flow.
Client blew his shorts, and I'm yellin' 'told you so'.
Plus ice cream cake in conference room A.
Today was a good day.

Left my 9-5 around 4.
Picked up some drinks from the lady at the drinky store.
Shit's plutonic. She had the gin, she had the tonic;
mix 'em up and it's symphonic. I fell on the big fat sofa;
Pulled out the remote, and let cable take over.
And my Tivo digs deep, so deep, so deep;
found an episode of Quantum Leap!
Hit 'play' to have a look-see.
it's the one where Sam switches bodies with a chimpanzee.
Time to eat but fridge is empty.
Made that call to Pita Power; lamb shawarma's crazy tasty.
Buzzer rings, Pita guy hands me my sack.
Gave the dude twenty and he gives me two tens back.
Today was like one of those cab rides;
where you hit every green or run every yellow light.
No to-do list that needs doin'.
Trash is out, dishes clean, no foolin'.
Even got an email from my man Brad Pitt;
And it said, 'Heard you were the shit'.
I'm pretty drunk, but my wife's not pissed.
Not that she's one to get mad.  .  . whatever - you get the gist.
Road House is on!  What more can I say?
I got to say it was a good day.

Conception location & method of various notables / Peat

Florence Griffith-Joyner: on top of industrial-sized grill in kitchen of dining car of bullet train traveling at the speed of sound; woman sitting on grill, man standing on floor.

Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka: behind the "smallest horse in the world" exhibit at the Lautoka circus in Figi; reverse cowgirl.

Buzz Aldrin: underwater, deep in the ocean wearing scuba suits with strategically placed holes; doggy style.

Ivan the Terrible: silk bed covered in rose petals in honeymoon suite of the Baltschug Kempinski Hotel in Moscow; various.

Rick Moranis: after hours in alpaca exhibit of Toronto zoo; double penetration (group).

Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen: in the sector 7 photon fields of the planet Cerberius; transdoxil method.

Tom Hanks: during mother Janet's dream about angel clouds and The Revolution; miraculous.

The seven columns of Skylar Mall / Du rag

At the top of Baron Hill in Glendale Park in Tricksville sits Skylar Mall. It's an open marble structure with a marble roof supported by seven marble columns. Beneath the roof sits several picnic tables and a barbecue pit. Although beautiful in structure and location, Skylar Mall was rarely used for social gatherings by the fine folks of Tricksville due to its reputation of being a hang out for the homeless, a hub of local drug trade, and the place where naughty teenagers drink booze from funnels and sexually assault each other.

But on Saturday morning seven weeks ago something funny happened at Skylar Mall. One of its magnificent marble columns had been replaced by a tetherball pole, complete with tether and ball. That afternoon a few brave souls climbed Baron Hill and played a few games. They even took some time to pick up some of the empty liquor bottles and hypodermic needles. They had fun.

The following Saturday it happened again. Another of the marble columns had been hollowed out and filled with beach balls. This freaked out several of the bums and lowlifes who went looking for new accommodations and attracted even more people looking to enjoy the beautiful day and lightly toss beach balls at each other.

Five weeks ago the trend continued. The third column of Skylar Mall was now an aquarium. A palpable buzz spread across Tricksville and city officials followed suit by arresting the remaining vagrants, suddenly making Skylar Mall the most popular barbecuing location in all of Glendale Park. The aquarium even had some of those crazy looking puffer fish.

A week later folks actually showed up at dawn to claim the facilities at Skylar Park theirs for the day. They were shocked to see that yet another of the marble columns had mysteriously transformed. This time it was a rope ladder. The park dwellers who arrived too late sat at the bottom of the hill and begrudgingly hosted birthday parties, ate sandwiches, listened to music, and looked with envy up at the folks partying and rope climbing in Skylar Mall.

By the next weekend the secret was out. It was in all the papers. Something miraculous was happening at Skylar Mall and everyone wanted the privilege of grilling their burgers under the roof supported by a tetherball pole, a beach ball bin, an aquarium, a rope ladder, and three marble columns. The Pekensmythe family called the city parks department and payed $10,000 for the exclusive usage rights of Skylar Mall that Saturday to host Uncle Leon's retirement party. When they arrived they say that a fifth column had been replaced by harp strings. Leon turned out to be quite the maestro on the harp.

Last weekend the park was flooded with national media. Surely the peculiar column transformations were the work of a higher power and everyone wanted in on the story. Reporters, cameramen, Jesus freaks, and simple folks just looking to roast some wieners had to jostle for position just to get a glimpse of what had become of the sixth column. It had been carved into an elaborate mosaic depicting the glories and joys of barbecuing. After hearing the news, Bobby Flay took his private jet to Tricksville and cooked chile relleno tamales dusted with blue corn meal for all those that had come to report, eat, and worship.

Just yesterday the roof of Skylar Mall collapsed. So far they haven't been able to decipher what the seventh and final column had been transformed to, if anything. What they do know at this point is that the other six columns could no longer support the marble roof. Excavation crews are working around the clock, looking for clues as to the make up of the seventh column. Was is a carousel? A cotton candy machine? A water slide? Just plain old sturdy marble? Everyone remains optimistic that the dedicated workers sorting through the destruction will soon uncover the truth, and the truth will blow people's minds. Having to first pull the 87 pulverized bodies out of the rubble certainly isn't helping to move matters along though.

zeroth life lesson: try not to get caught up in hysteria; the marble roof always falls.

How To: majorly fuck up a bowl of oatmeal / Spittoon

1. Retrieve ceramic bowl from cupboard.
2. Remove box of oatmeal from pantry.
3. Open cardboard flap on top of oatmeal box and remove a single packet of oatmeal.
4. Tear open oatmeal packet.
5. Dump contents of oatmeal packet into ceramic bowl.
6. Retrieve full container of milk from refrigerator.
7. Open container of milk.
8. Pour entire contents of milk container into bowl.
9. Retrieve roll of paper towels from above sink.
10. Soak up spilled milk from table, chair, and kitchen floor.
11. Ring whatever milk you can from paper towels back into bowl.
12. Place bowl in microwave.
13. Microwave on high for 47 minutes.
14. Open microwave.
15. Clean up pieces of ceramic bowl (caution: shards will be very hot!!!)
16. Retrieve plastic bucket from underneath sink.
17. Tip microwave forward, spilling remaining milk, oatmeal, and ceramic shards into plastic bucket.
18. Move out of the way of falling microwave.
19. Discard of broken microwave.
20. Set fire to kitchen.

Offsetting penalties / Formaldehyde

Second down and six.
Opponent's 38 yard line.
Center snaps the ball.
The crowd roars.
Quarterback drops back to pass.
Offensive line steps back into pass protection.
Cornerbacks jam the wide receivers.
Fullback picks up the safety blitz.
Linebacker drops into coverage.
The crowd cheers.
Tight end finds a spot in the seam.
Quarterback checks off his primary receiver.
Pocket begins to collapse.
Slot receiver breaks out of his route.
Running back releases from pass protection.
The crowd gasps.
Linebacker begins to converge.
Quarterback dumps the ball off to the running back.
Defensive end misses a tackle.
Cornerback abandons his coverage and charges the line of scrimmage.
Linebacker grabs running back by face mask, attempts to rip head off.
The crowd boos.
Referee tosses a flag.
Offensive tackle falls to the ground.
Whistle is blown.
Strong safety falls to the ground.
Fullback steps on neck of strong safety, attempts to detach head from body.
Referee tosses a flag.
Offsetting penalties.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Second down and six.
Opponent's 38 yard line.
Center snaps the ball. . .

Addressing some common misconceptions regarding whales / Fricassee

Whales remain one of the most misunderstood creatures on the planet. As a result, misconceptions abound regarding their behavior, diet, and habitat. For instance, when most people think of whales they usually picture tennis shoes, backgammon, or tigers when in fact whales are large mammals that live in the ocean.

Did you know that whales breathe oxygen through blow holes located on top of their heads? It's true! They can survive up to 90 minutes between breaths and sometimes dive to depths of 3,200 feet. Yet these facts remain widely unknown as science text books still mistakenly display images of whales as machete wielding sewer dwellers that breathe crystal Pepsi through cassette tape openings located in their chest. These text books go on to make outrageous claims of whales going up to 90 days without changing socks and reading old magazines at a rate of 3,200 pages per second.

Contrary to popular belief the Blue Whale (Balaenoptera musculus) is the largest animal that's ever lived, not the smallest. It can weigh up to 200 tons. That's larger than 30 elephants! Their diet consists primarily of krill (shrimp-like marine invertebrate) and actually rarely feast on light photons despite what you've heard. As a result, the age old belief that leaving the lights on after leaving a room attracts microscopic blue whales that, if provoked, can dig themselves underneath your skin causing a nasty rash and a high fever is simply not true.

Similarly the Humpback and Sperm Whale are not a father and son comedy duo from that late 1700s. The Sperm Whale is actually the earth's largest carnivore and the Humpback Whale communicates using complex songs that sometimes last up to 20 minutes and are often repeated hours at a time.

Seems like quite a lot to take in, doesn't it? Well don't you fret because you are not alone. Whale misinformation is still widespread so please, do your part and spread the word regarding our misunderstood friends. With your help, people will begin to put aside past beliefs and start to accept whales for the beautiful, majestic creatures they are. Only then will we be able to truly understand them, befriend them, trick them, lasso them, and eventually ride them.

Happy cleavage day / Pontoon

July 9th is Cleavage Day in Tricksville, New Jersey. You won't see it advertised in the newspapers or mentioned in the evening news but folks round here know all about it.

On Cleavage Day all the overweight women put on their most revealing tops and parade around town flaunting what the good Lord gave them. Their often worn frumpy shirts and puffy blouses spend the day in the laundry bin. Perverts come from miles around to gawk at the gyrating mounds of flesh on display. They claim to be in town for the farmer's market. Local shop owners set up tables on the street, turning Tricksville into a huge street fair. Funnel cake, deep fried Twinkie, sausage & pepper, cheese curd, and apple pie on a stick stands pack both sides of the sidewalk.

You won't find a smoothie stand.

The gym that prides itself on being open on all major holidays keeps its doors locked.

The skinny ladies don't even bother going outside. They find the whole spectacle quite revolting. They coop themselves up in their homes, eating salads all day, bitching at their husbands and boyfriends who keep trying to sneak peeks out the window at the extravaganza outside.

At nightfall, whatever inhibitions the fat ladies may have still harbored disappear with the last of the sunlight. Off come the bras and out come the boobie tassles. The street fair transforms into an all out block party with kegs of beer, karaoke machines, and chicken wings. The skinny ladies spend much of the night calling the cops with noise complaints but it just so happens that the Tricksville chief of police likes his women on the robust side. On Cleavage Day he can usually be found admiring the activity at the heavy-duty glow-in-the-dark trampoline. With their complaints unheard, the scrawny bitches shut their windows and crank up the volume to their Sex & the City: Season 3 DVDs and treat their modest figures to modest portions of frozen yogurt.

When the last keg is cashed and the final tassle is twirled Cleavage Day fizzles out like a child's first sparkler. The slender gals greet the new day in droves and reclaim their town in sport bras, jogging shorts, and iPods, rolling their eyes at the seemingly endless trail of discarded plastic cups, double d bras, and chicken bones. Soon the street cleaners will erase the aftermath of July 9th, making sure July 10th looks like July 8th. Tucked in their king sized Sertas the big women of Tricksville sleep in, often with newly found company. They're in no rush to rise or shine. If it were up to them they'd treat themselves to a hearty breakfast, return to bed, and set their alarms for the next Cleavage Day, dreaming of gentle breezes on their ample bosoms for 364 days straight.

zeroth life lesson: it's true that those who get a smaller slice of the pie tend to savor it more. it's also true that those same people get gypped.

Messing with Gil / Ghoul

Every time I break one of my fingers on a Monday I do my best to ignore the pain and resist medical attention. Then on Tuesday I stroll into the office and make a b line for Gil Flimwad's desk. I ask Gil if he had a good weekend and when he answers in the affirmative I offer my hand and say, "Well so did I tough guy! Whadya say you put 'er there for good measure?" Then I scream in pain, ask Gil why he's such a son of a bitch, and make him drive me to the hospital to put metal pins the finger he thinks he's broken again.

Gil only works on Tuesdays you see.  Part time.  He had a pretty bad staph infection last fall that knocked him out for a few weeks.  Had to be hospitalized, go on disability and the whole nine.  Scary stuff.  He just recently felt up to coming back to work but the insurance company will only let him come in one day per week seeing as he caught the staph infection at work when he cut his arm on the sharp edge of a dirty microwave in the break room.  Sort of a dicey situation.  Liability issues and such.  So that's why I ask him about the weekend on Tuesdays. Because I never see him on Mondays.  .  .  in case you were wondering.

March west, sing this, then dig / Dune buggy

First tap your foot to get the beat.

Sing this tune. When done, repeat.

Wrinkle, stinkle. Riddle and rhyme.

Half hole, half darkness. Turpentine!!

Now get off the couch, head to your shed.

Recite the words that I just said.

Wrinkle, stinkle. Riddle and rhyme.

Half hole, half darkness. Turpentine!!

Pick out a shovel, your very best.

Whistle this verse while marching west.

Wrinkle, stinkle. Riddle and rhyme.

Half hole, half darkness. Turpentine!!

We're half way home. Hey that's the spirit!
Don't be shy now let me hear it.

Wrinkle, stinkle. Riddle and rhyme.

Half hole, half darkness. Turpentine!!

Keep up the pace, right on through town.
Belt out your song to all around.

Wrinkle, stinkle. Riddle and rhyme.

Half hole, half darkness. Turpentine!!

You should pass Bridgemans on your right.
They got great ice cream, stop for a bite.

Wrinkle, stinkle. Riddle and rhyme.

Half hole, half darkness. Turpentine!!

Now back on track, march through the park.
Sing our jingle to dogs that bark.

Wrinkle, stinkle. Riddle and rhyme.

Half hole, half darkness. Turpentine!!

You see that statue? Stop right there!
You've reached the spot. No lie. I swear.

Wrinkle, stinkle. Riddle and rhyme.

Half hole, half darkness. Turpentine!!

Now ram that shovel down in the ground.
Dig to the beat of that good 'ole sound.

Wrinkle, stinkle. Riddle and rhyme.

Half hole, half darkness. Turpentine!!

About 8 feet down you'll find your prize.
Folks who've gathered won't believe their eyes.

Wrinkle, stinkle. Riddle and rhyme.

Half hole, half darkness. Turpentine!!

It's a Laser Rocket / Rocket Laser!
Thank me now and thank me later.

Wrinkle, stinkle. Riddle and rhyme.

Half hole, half darkness. Turpentine!!

Now stow that treasure in your pocket.
If anyone asks it's Nana's locket.

Wrinkle, stinkle. Riddle and rhyme.

Half hole, half darkness. Turpentine!!

Next time you're bored with life's old gig.
Just march west, sing this, then dig

Wrinkle, stinkle. Riddle and rhyme.

Half hole, half darkness. Turpentine!!

Guys to look out for / Bidet

• man whispering into walkie-talkie, looking this way
• man jogging in dungarees
• guy whose normal facial expression consists of his mouth being slightly open
• man standing in the corner smoking a cigarette, brooding, bleeding
• anyone claiming to be named "Dave"
• guy in church with the tatoos
• dude in the 4th car from the front at a red light honking moment it turns green
• homeless man approaching, wanting to shake your hand
• Oklahoma freshman power forward Blake Griffin, #1 on Dick Vitale's list of freshman to look out for
• man with the eye patch(s)
• gentleman sitting to your left wearing the warpaint
• guy who does the great "I'm about to slice your throat and leave you for dead" gag
• Waldo

Push the button / Hot dish

Why wouldn't I?

That's what it's there for after all. To be pushed. They don't make buttons that are meant not to be pushed. Of course some sort of label would be nice. Ideally something along the lines of "Sprinkler", "Smoke Screen", or "Trap Door". You know, something that really let's me know what I'm getting myself into. Hell, I'd even settle for a simple but all too vague "On" or "Off".

On the other hand it doesn't look like it's been pushed before. Still very shiny and new. If you were to put two buttons in front of me, one shiny and new and one old and worn, I'd sure feel more comfortable pushing the worn one. Then again if it wasn't meant to be pushed why would it be all out in the open like this? Aren't bad buttons typically found under tables or behind protective plastic casings?

The fact that it's blue sure doesn't help one way or the other. If it was green I'd push it no questions asked. If it was red, no way Jose. But I've seen blue buttons open doors for the handicapped and I've seen blue buttons chop the heads off of live cattle. Blue buttons sort of toe the proverbial line.

I figure worst case scenario I die instantly. That the button detonates the whole room or building or something. Or fills it with poison gas. Either way it should be quick and painless. I mean who's ever heard of a button that rips your fingernails out one by one, or smashes your kneecaps with a ball peen hammer, or ties your dick in a knot. That'd be just crazy. Uh uh. Safe to say that's not going to happen. On the flip side, best case scenario I strike it rich. It's no secret that certain buttons reward the pusher with large sums of money. Or wait! It could blast me off into space! Or it could slowly rotate the entire room so that I find myself on the other side of the wall surrounded by drunk and horny college coeds! Wouldn't that be something.

Even if it's not cash, a space trip, or girls it could very well lead to a jawbreaker, rub-on tattoo, or gumball. And that ain't half bad.

Well. Here goes nothing. . . or everything.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Huh. That was unexpected.

Now I suppose I should ring the bell.

Cool kids / Cornucopia

DJ Bus Stop: All right all right all right. Who's feeling good tonight Jefferson Elementary?
Crowd: Yeah!!!
DJ Bus Stop: Who here thinks this DJ is the coolest kid in town?
Crowd: Yeah!!!
DJ Bus Stop: Yo I'm so cool I sometimes show up late for school. And then I act like I don't even care and rip the tardy slip in two. How cool is that?
Crowd: So Cool!!!
MC Rec Room: What's up y'all? Hip hip hip hip. My man Bus Stop thinks he's all that but he ain't. Check it out. Wednesday afternoons he has flute practice.
Crowd: Boo!!!
MC Rec Room: He be pursing his lips and blowing in that shit like a fag.
Crowd: Boo!!!
DJ Bus Stop: Hold up now. Wait a minute. Do my eyes deceive me or does DJ Rec Room still carry a lunch box to school? With a cute little thermos and shit.
Crowd: [Indecipherable]
MC Rec Room: OK OK. Shit's about to get real. I want to hear all the people out there that think my dad can beat up DJ Bus Stop's dad say "Hey".
Crowd: Hey!!!
DJ Bus Stop: Holla if you were there the day Rec Room's shorts got caught in the swing and everyone saw his transformer underoos.
MC Rec Room: Pick up a mic if you've ollied over a paint can.
Crowd: Yeah!!!
DJ Bus Stop: Got a pool in my back yard.
MC Rec Room: And a poodle.
DJ Bus Stop: Ain't nothing wrong with Licorice. She never hurt no one.
MC Rec Room: Poodles are for bitches.
Crowd: Hell Yeah!!!
DJ Bus Stop: This stage is only big enough for one of us R squared. So is it going to be the DJ who kissed Kim Parkers or the MC who wears a swimming suit in the locker room shower?
Crowd: We want Bobby! We want Bobby! We want Bobby!
MC Rec Room: Yo hold up now Bobby doesn't count. He goes to a different school. Plus he's like a year older.

Crowd: Boo!!!

MC Rec Room: C'mon. Just cuz he beat up Phil Rinkle and won the blue ribbon in the obstacle course on track and field day doesn't give him the right to claim the back seat of the bus all the time.

DJ Bus Stop: Yeah. Plus the whole thing about him fingering Kim Parkers while smoking a cigarette probably isn't even true.

Crowd: [Silence]
-screech of feedback as microphone is wrestled away from DJ Bus Stop-
Bobby Lindmeier: Word up bitches!!! Who's ready to start the show?

Crowd: FUCK YE$%A&!%H&#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lack of human ethics / Filament

Drunk and high, four men sit around a campfire in the deep woods of the Boundary Waters of northern Minnesota. Miles away from civilization, they had forged their own shelter, food, and fire. While their driver's licenses may have said otherwise, they truly were men who belonged amidst God's land.
After feeding the last of the wood to the hungry flames Rich sees a canoe pass in the corner of his eye.

"Did you guys see that?"
"See what?"
"Two or three dudes in a canoe. They just floated right by."
"Where?"
"Just off the shore. Just a second ago."
"Bullshit. We've got the only campsite for miles."
"I swear to God."
"Did they have fishing poles?"
"I couldn't tell."

After a brief discussion they nominate Bill to walk to the shoreline and check out the situation. Bill reluctantly rises to his feet, takes a pull off of the bottle of Hot 100, gets his bearings, and makes his way toward the alleged siting.
The three remaining campers stay by the fire and listen for Bill's inquiry.

"Hello there."

Nothing.

"You guys fishing?"

Again, nothing.

A minute later Bill returns to the campfire.

"Did you see them?"
"Yeah."
"What did they say?"
"Nothing."
"What do you mean, nothing?"
"Did they have fishing poles?"
"Did they even acknowledge you?"
"No."

All four campers nervously regard each other, trying to gauge their respective panic levels.

"What the fuck? What kind of people float right by in a canoe in the middle of the night and don't say anything when asked a simple question?"
"Did they have fishing poles?"
"I'll tell you what this is. It's a lack of human ethics!"
"Jack, you go and try to talk to them."
"Fuck that!"
"Did you see if they had fishing poles?"
"They're probably listening to us right now."
"Jesus Christ. They're probably laughing their asses off."
"Either that or sharpening their hatchets."
"A simple lack of human ethics."
"Everyone just shut the fuck up!"

They sit around the campfire in silence, terrified. Their ears stretch to hear anything resembling oars being paddled, rods being reeled, asses being laughed off, or hatchets being sharpened. Joe breaks the silence.

"Can someone at least tell me if they had fishing poles?"

The question remained unanswered. Their gazes fixed on the fire, too ashamed to risk making eye contact with one another. Over the course of the next hour they retired to their tents, one by one, without as much as a single word exchanged.

Nobody slept.

The next morning the campers retook their places around the fire for a solemn breakfast before packing their things and returning to where they belonged. Turns out their driver's licenses were right after all.