2009: The year in names / Lester Garb

Oliver Chantel

Belinda Willows

Javier Bonbardo

Donald Sowald

Fran Klingerhaul

Doug Lamp

Lynette Peters

Jonathan Candy

Cornelius Happenstance

Perry Linkletter

Desiree Dipshire

Timothy Whereabouts

Solomon Lindel

Gloria Titlecock

Roscoe Q. Highball

Theodore Danson

Darlene Botch

Candace Birdsnatch

Gil Ball

Alvin Riddle

Ralph Rallory

Phyllis Math

Leonard Hatred

Reynold Lispensey

Mildred Rampage

Gilbert {pronounced: jhel-BEAR} Gilbert

Bonnelyn Blair

Herman Whole

Gordon Ringlet

Patty Chelm

Hershel Justice

Piper Jane

Lloyd Nittles

Seymour Orless

Donna Razzle

Merlin Olsen

Herbert Airball

Loretta Showers

Winifred Swish

Ernest Burgle

Bernard Pamphlette

Horace LaFruit

Rhonda Phoof

Martin Multiflavors

Verna Thingy

Marcel Marbles

Stanley Sofar

Norman Gentle

Sigmund Lindelinhell

Wanda Swipes

Clint Scrott

Tamara Creamera

Maximilian Deadpan

Ivan Ernererer

Arlene Humdinger

Wilma Skinflap

Rueben Flart

Bernadette Peters

Albert Intellehinto

Marsha Bang

Biff Margins

Charlene Feelings

Melvin Karnage

Truman Lifeblood

Corey Bedlam

Gertrude Nebula

Sherman Billiams

Betty Glory

Craig Slist

Wendell Bubbler

Milo Something

Enid Aura

Curtis Strange

Rudy Schlep

Florence Flapper

Tabitha Gorge

Clyde Tuggs

Wilmer Wai

Chester Thoughtso

Clifford Wasteland

Hubert Homefree

Wade Watoosey

Toby Tonton

Clarence Clearance

Gail Girthy

Bartholomew Nustlerod

Harold Ramis

Monty Hoosegow

Daphne Fairplay

Delores Shambles

Trisha Twistdemon

Meredith Baxter Birney

Dean Manzeen

Judith Worbler

Vern Carnal

Thad Macintube

Laverne Stout

Hal Hetchemburgersonwaldersheim

Gwen Pathogen

Arvid Tonedeaf Effervesence

Ray Stats

Meryl Streep

Lester Garb

Pullover / Meryl Streep

-Hello officer.

>Liscense and registration please.

-Of course. It's right here in the glove compartment. . . is there a problem?

>You were swerving between two lanes a few blocks back.

-Sorry about that. Must have accidentally jerked the steering wheel a bit while I was adjusting the radio station.

>Uh huh. Have you had anything to drink?

-No sir.

>Nothing?

-Nothing, I swear.

>You mean to tell me that you've never consumed any sort of alchoholic beverage whatsoever?

-What? No. I mean, of course I have.

>What's that supposed to mean?

-Nothing. I guess I just mean that I haven't had anything to drink today.

>But prior to today you have.

-Yes.

>I suppose you think that's a good idea.

-What is?

>Drinking.

-No, just telling you the truth. I want to be cooperative.

>Yeah, I bet you get real wasted.

-Excuse me?

>Chuggin' down the booze like it's nobody's business. You think that's funny?

-No.

>So why do you do it?

-I don't. I don't know what you're talking about.

>You saying I don't make any sense?

-Of course not. It's just that. . . that-

>You want to be cooperative.

-Yes!

>So that I'll let you go on your merry way.

-Yes!!

>So you can get home and start drinking as fast and as much as possible.

-No!! Look have I broken a law or anything?

>I'd say public intoxication is breaking the law.

-But I'm not intoxicated.

>But you admit you have been.

-This is insane!!

>Is it? Open your trunk.

-Fine. There you go.

>Wait here.

[20 seconds later]

-Is everything OK?

>That's some trunk you got there.

-If you say so.

>Noticed that it's completely empty.

-Yes. . . it is.

>Got anything to say for yourself?

-About an empty trunk? No.

>Figures. Suppose you'll want to wait for your lawyer. It's your right.

-Why would I need a lawyer?

>Let's just say a guy could fit an awful lot of booze in that trunk.

-This is insane!

>I suggest you watch your tone, sir. Sounds to me like a man just itching to get himself a swig of the hard stuff.

-Look. Are you going to write me a ticket or let me go?

>Get out of the car.

-May I ask why that is necessary?

>There's a bar across the street. You buy me a beer and I'll forget this whole episode ever happened.

-What episode? What have I done?

>The whole 'getting wasted all the time', stashing beer and drugs in your trunk, and being a lousy father and husband. Water under the bridge if you buy me a shot across the street there.

-Wait a minute. Are you even a cop?

>If I wasn't, I might as well be!

[officer fires gun into the air 3 times]

>Ha ha ha ha!!

[driver spits out mouthful of beer]

-Good one!!

Exit attire / Ray Stats

It's 2:00 in the morning. You wake up to find your bedroom engulfed in flames. What do you do?

It's 1:30 in the morning. You wake up to the sound of a burglar crashing through your living room window with a tire iron. What do you do?

It's 4:00 in the morning. You're awakened by a phone call from your best friend saying that he's standing outside bleeding to death from multiple stab wounds. What do you do?

It's 3:17 in the morning. Your significant other shakes you awake and points out that outside it's raining gold coins. What do you do?

What do you do?

The correct answer to all of these questions, of course, is get outside as fast as possible.

But what are you wearing? Boxers? T-shirt and panties? Will Smith pj's? Nothing at all? Either way you're not dressed appropriately. You look like a fat idiot.

Now there's no need to talk to the fire department or take your friend to the hospital dressed in your skivvies. Now there's no need to waste precious seconds pulling on pants as the burglar walks towards you with the tire iron or as your neighbors collect the falling bounty of the treasure plane that exploded high above.

Ladies and Gentlemen allow me to introduce you to Exit Attire^TM!

Exit Attire^TM is a sophisticated yet simple clothing system that's stored conveniently and discreetly in any door or above any entry way. Exit Attire^TM is a technologically advanced film designed to cover your hideous body akin to saran wrap. Constructed of a patented fire and ice retardant polymer it's intricately patterned with a variety of looks so that, when applied to a modestly clad body, it creates the illusion of a fully and well dressed individual.

Here's how it works.

In a manner of seconds you can pull the Exit Attire^TM clothing system from the side of a closet door or from the top of a entry way. Not unlike unrolling a movie projector or a roll of wrapping paper. Once unveiled simply walk or run through the unrolled polymer film and you are as good as dressed!

Now you can run away from that burglar "dressed" in style.

Now you can be the envy of your best friend as you call him an ambulance looking at dapper as you did at that fancy dinner party.

Now you don't have to look like an asshole standing on the sidewalk in your underpants as your house burns down to the ground.

Available in multiple styles:

The Weekender

First Communion

Hipster

Big Interview

The Sweatshirt & Shorts Look

Back from the Gym

Red Carpet

Dracula

Exit Attire^TM! For when you need to look good in a pinch when you don't look good in your underpants.

[now available with breathing and excretion holes]

Hostage swap / Arvid Tonedeaf Effervesence

HOSTAGE TAKER: Where's my fucking helicopter?!?!

NEGOTIATOR: We're working on the helicopter, Dave. We're tracking one down as I speak. But listen man, if I'm going to bring you a helicopter I need you to do something for me. I need you to let the kid go.

HT: No way. The only way I let the kid go is if I can trade him for another hostage.

N: You can trade him in for me.

HT: No cops. No negotiators. Another civilian.

N: Whatever you say. We have someone here. You send the boy out and we'll send the replacement hostage in.

HT: OK. Here comes the boy.

N: And here comes the pregnant lady.

HT: What?

N: Huh?

HT: Hey wait a minute. This chick's in labor man! I can't have a hostage that's in labor. That's like rule #1 of hostage taking.

N: Then why don't you let the nice woman go.

HT: Not unless I can trade her in for someone else.

N: How about you trade her in for me.

HT: Not a chance. I want another regular person. Someone docile and and not with child.

N: Have it your way, Dave. We have another volunteer here. Send the pregnant woman out and we'll trade.

HT: Here she comes. Don't shoot.

N: And here comes her replacement.

HT: OK good. This guy looks legit.

[a few minutes later]

HT: Hey this guy you just sent me has to go to the bathroom every five minutes. He's got some sort of condition or something.

N: What's the problem?

HT: If I let him use the bathroom then I gotta let everyone use the bathroom and then I got people shutting doors and doing god knows what with hidden cell phones and secret corridors and soon enough I'll have SWAT coming through the floorboards. No way. Not on my watch. If there's one thing any decent hostage taker knows is to avoid pregnant women and people with diarrhea. I'm sending this jerk-off back. Who else you got?

N: What about me?

HT: Not you, asshole. We've been over this.

N: Alright let's so who we got left over here. . . You can choose between the off-duty cop with nothing to lose, MacGuyver, a girl with pink eye, some guy who thinks he's a hero, Bonnie the human torch, or me.

HT: What? I'll be honest with you those all sound like terrible options. Don't you have any spineless, uncoordinated, relatively timid and/or stupid people over there?

N: What about Ann Coulter?

HT: Whoa. Not a chance. I guess I'll take you then.

N: Hot Damn!! What a deal!

And so the final hostage trade of the day was concluded in what became widely regarded in both hostage taking & negotiating circles as the prototype case of hostage negotiation, one that would be cited for years to come as what you might want to do. You'll be happy to hear that Dave eventually got his helicopter & only slaughtered four hostages in the process. Tim, the negotiator, would go on to receive the jade medal of mediation in a sparsely attended, yet charming little ceremony and eventually retire one of the tallest negotiators of his generation. He and Dave remain close friends to this day.

An everyday conversation / Gwen Pathogen

Dinner is ready. ¹

I'll be there in a minute.²

Do you want me to dish you up?³

Sure.⁴

Are we sitting at the table?⁵

Doesn't matter to me.⁶

Do you want wine?⁷

Sure.⁸

Here you go.⁹

Mmm. What did you marinate this or something?¹⁰

Soy sauce and ginger.¹¹

It's good.¹²

So how was your day?¹³

Fine. How was yours?¹⁴

Busy.¹⁵

Well tomorrow is Friday.¹⁶

Do we have anything going on this weekend?¹⁷

I have a work thing on Friday. Shouldn't be too late though.¹⁸

Is that your holiday party?¹⁹

Yeah.²⁰

I thought you had your holiday party last week.²¹

That was for the department. This one is for the whole company.²²

I was thinking we could go check out coffee tables at the flea market tomorrow. ²³

Sounds good to me.²⁴

I'll find out what time they open.²⁵

__________________________________________

¹Dinner is ready.

²Start without me.

³Are you too lazy to put food on your plate?

⁴I am too lazy to put food on my plate.

⁵Are you going to shut off the television?

⁶Can't we just eat in front of the television?

⁷Are you going to get drunk again tonight?

⁸I think I'll go ahead and get drunk tonight.

⁹Say you don't like it. I dare you.

¹⁰How do you manage to fuck up chicken?

¹¹Fuck you.

¹²I hate it.

¹³So. Did you get a chance to dispose of the bodies?

¹⁴I took care of the hooker. I thought we agreed we'd let the meter man live?

¹⁵Whoops.

¹⁶I cherish the fact that we're both so comfortable joking about death.

¹⁷I assume we'll continue to work on the time machine this weekend?

¹⁸If I make it back it time. Shouldn't be a problem though.

¹⁹Make it back from where?

²⁰The future.

²¹I thought you'd already come back from the future.

²²I did but I came back too far. I'm now about an hour and ten minutes behind us.

²³Maybe we could waste some time checking out coffee tables at the flea market tomorrow so you could catch up.

²⁴That just might work.

²⁵I'll find out what time they open.

Ditching the smokes / Hal Hetchemburgersonwaldersheim

He always found Christmas shopping to be one of the more underrated New York City experiences. Sure the lines were long and stores were hot and crowded. Sure the crosswalks were often submerged in slush and filth and the places he needed to go widely spread throughout the city. But still, the satisfaction of dropping a load of shopping bags inside your front door after a successful excursion in the city far surpassed the same feeling after pulling into a driveway with a trunk full of gifts after a trip to some mall. The glory was in the endeavor itself. Why anyone would prefer to drive to a mall in a single trip when one could navigate their way through numerous stops in various neighborhoods of the greatest city in the world was beyond him.

He only had one stop left. The place that gave the foot massages his wife enjoyed was about twenty blocks southeast. He could take the R or N to 23rd street or he could head over to Grand Central first at the oft chance that he'd happen upon a side store selling the "Welcome to New York. Duck Mother Fucker" t-shirts he knew his brother-in-law would appreciate before hopping on the 6 train.

He had just decided to skip the subway altogether and complete the final leg of his trip by foot. This would allow him ample time to enjoy a single forbidden cigarette, certainly one of his last before he quit his dirty secret for good with a single determined new year resolution. With an unlit smoke hanging from his lips he was perusing the passersby for likelihood of having a light when the scaffolding he was standing under suddenly collapsed, trapping him beneath two tons of metal, snow, wire, and ice. His back broken and his lungs filling with blood he reached into his pocket for the pack of cigarettes he wasn't supposed to own. He managed to retrieve them and with a flick of the wrist they were now laying closer to an older woman with a white hat who appeared to be dead. In his life's waning moments he found relief that although Christmas was ruined and his daughter would grow up without a father, at least when his wife came to identify the body she wouldn't have to claim, amongst the bags of gifts found 'on his person', a pack of smokes.

Handy quote / Laverne Stout

Whenever I find myself stuck in a frustrating or unproductive conversation with a mild acquaintance or coworker I often find it helpful to quote this bit of dialogue from the movie Seven.

"I've been trying to figure something in my head and maybe you can help me out. When a person is insane, as you clearly are, do you know that you're insane? Maybe you are just sitting around, reading Guns & Ammo, masturbating in your own feces, do you just stop and go, 'Wow, it is amazing how fucking crazy I really am!' Yeah? Do you guys do that?"

Caterpillar filth / Thad Macintube

My daughter has this toy that's a caterpillar with 26 legs, one for each letter of the alphabet. Each leg has a button that, when pushed, make the sound of that letter. Of course the first thing I did was attempt to make the caterpillar swear. I was surprised, disappointed, and relieved all at the same time to find that I could make the caterpillar say "Ffff" then "Uhhh" but when I hit the 'K' button instead of saying "Kuh" to finish the F-bomb the toy first said "Ha ha ha ha ha. That tickles!" It wouldn't say 'fuck'. So some poor schlub at LeapFrog got stuck with the job of determining every offensive word that could be pronounced with the 26 basic sounds of the alphabet (no need to worry about words like 'shit' or 'bitch' because there's no leg or combination of legs that make the 'shh' or 'ch' sound) and programming in that giggle every time some perverted dad or older brother tried to make the caterpillar utter profanity.

As odd/funny/disturbing as that is, it turns out whoever was in charge of this didn't do that great of a job. After extensive testing I've provided my findings below.

Words the caterpillar will not say:

TIT

DICK

FUCK

CUM

ASS

DAMN

Words I wanted to test but couldn't because they are impossible to pronounce using the phonetic sounds of the 26 letters of the alphabet (oh well):

SHIT

BITCH

BOOB

PUSSY

Words the caterpillar will say:

JIZZ

CUNT

NIGGER

If you're going to take steps to ensure your educational product cannot accidentally teach kids words that would make grandma cry how can you forget to address arguably the two most offensive words in the english language? Furthermore, "Cum" isn't allowed but "Jizz" is?

Either the language specialist at LeapFrog did a half-assed job programming their filth spewing caterpillar or this father's mind has reached gutter depths no respectable toy manufacturer could be expected to comprehend.

Let's just say to this day I haven't mustered the nerve to demonstrate the toy spouting off the c-word to my wife for fear that she will never think of me the same way ever again.

Professor two piles / Vern Carnal

So let's say you have two piles of something. Anything. It could be tires, or sewing needles, or old phone bills. Literally any object would work. And let's say the ultimate goal is here is one pile. Somehow these piles need to be unified. That is your job. The responsibility rests on you. So basically it's two parts, right? Fully eliminating pile #1 and adding to the size of pile #2. Seems like a lot to handle for what initially seemed to be a pretty easy task, right? I mean when someone says to you "I need you to combine these two piles" it sounds pretty straight forward, and I'm not saying that it's not, it's just that it doesn't immediately come across as a two-step process, which it most certainly is. Two steps because you are dealing with two piles.

But there's no need to fret.

What I'm here to tell you today is that there's a revolutionary way of thinking that I've devised that will assist you greatly when faced with this two pile scenario. In order to fully comprehend it we need to take a closer look at this two-step process.

So let's break that down step by step. Like I said before, the first step is eliminating the first pile. So what do we need to do to accomplish that? Anyone? . . . That's correct! We need to physically remove the items from the first pile. And how would one do that? You, right there in the front. That's right. We pick up the item! Now here it's important to note that there are several ways to pick up items. You could, of course, use your hands. You could use a shovel. You could use some sort of machinery. It all depends on the make-up and size of the particular items in the pile in question. But let's not get bogged down in that. That's Pile 404 material. We want to stay on track here. The important point to take away here is that the items need to be picked up. Simple as that. Everyone with me so far? Great! Now, moving on to step two. Now we need to increase the size of second pile. And how is that done? Anyone? . . . OK I'll tell you. The second pile is increased by adding the items from the initial pile. I know what you're thinking. "Whoa slow down teach". I know I know, just hang with me for one second here.

So, if the second step is achieved by adding items from the initial pile, we need to then somehow obtain those items, correct? So who remembers where we left off with the first step? This is the key to the whole process so pay attention. What were we doing at the end of step one? We were picking up the items from the first pile. Do you see what I'm getting at here?!? We already have the item in our possession!! Step two is nothing more than a continuation of step one! Do you understand? Allow me to rephrase. And it might be a good idea to jot this down.

You can simultaneously eliminate pile #1 and add to pile #2 by physically moving items from one pile to the other in a single fluid motion.

I'll say it again.

You can both eliminate pile #1 and add to pile #2 AT THE SAME TIME by moving the items from one pile to the other pile in a single fluid motion.

I call it the "two pile" method and it's worked wonders for me. I can't begin to express to you the simple satisfaction gained from moving an item from one pile to another and knowing deep within my bones that not only did I make one pile smaller, I also made the other pile that much bigger! It's taking the idea of killing two birds with one stone to a whole 'nother level folks.

Are there any questions?

Yes. You sir, in the back. . .

Good question. The answer is yes, you could conceivably move several items at the same time but for the sake of this lecture we will not be addressing multiple item moves. Feel free to approach me afterwords, however, and I'd be happy to discuss.

Anyone else?

Uh huh. . . Sure. . . Let me stop you there. You're problem is that you're failing to grasp the idea of picking up the object AND moving the object AT THE SAME TIME. If we did it your way we'd be stuck with more and more items in our hands until we simply couldn't hold anymore, quickly approaching full carrying capacity status without a single item successfully transported. That's something we need to avoid if we ever hope to achieve full pile consolidation.

Next question.

No, that's possible. Sorry. . . . Right. . . OK. . . Look, I see what you're saying but the whole set of circumstances you've outlined is irrelevant because you can't have piles of piles. At least it's never been done to my knowledge. Ok then.

Alright if there's nothing else please come up to the front and pick up your piles. Please remember to take two. I have them all numbered so don't think you can just take one, claimed you've combined them, and get away with it. I'm looking at you, Karl.

Good luck everybody. See you Thursday.