The new place / Clyde Tuggs

Joe: I love your new place.

Karen: Thanks. Would you like the grand tour?

Joe: Sure!

Karen: OK obviously this is the kitchen. I like it because it opens up into the living room and makes it feel more spacious. There was another apartment we were looking at on the 7th floor where the kitchen was on the opposite side when you walked in so everything was like reversed. We didn't like that as much because it felt more cramped in the entryway.

Joe: Uh huh.

Karen: So down this hallway there's a bathroom and laundry room to the right and the master bedroom on the left. The apartment we looked at on the 7th floor had the bathroom over at the end of the hall and the laundry room was. . . . Gregg, where was the laundry room in the apartment on the 7th floor?

Gregg: I think it was in the same place as here.

Karen: No, that can't be. That apartment was on the north side of the building so the laundry room couldn't be there because the wall would've been facing the hallway and there'd be no place for the pipes to run to. Also the master bedroom was on the opposite side of the hall and I distinctly remember the bathroom door right across from the bedroom door which means the laundry room had to be closer to the. . . I wonder if it was off of the kitchen somehow?

Joe: That's OK. I get the general idea. The apartment on the 7th floor was like this one but different in many ways.

Karen: Oh I remember! The laundry room was in that hallway but it was on the same side as the bedroom. That's one of the main reasons we didn't like that place. The opposite side of the hallway seemed just completely bare. I mean I guess you could fill it with pictures or something but it just seemed like waste of square footage if that makes any sense.

Joe: It does. Need any help with getting drinks or anything?

Karen: The one thing that apartment did have though that this one didn't was a larger closet in the bedroom, which would have been nice. Also the view was probably a little better because you were a few floors higher. Although I don't remember what you actually saw out those windows. Do you remember Gregg?

Gregg: I don't.

Karen: I suppose you could see park from there. Which would have been nice. But then again that apartment was quite a bit further down the hall. I can't imagine having to make that trek over and over again, day after day.

Joe: And now you don't. I brought some appetizers here we could put out.

Karen: I think the real deal breaker had to be the bedroom closet. In that apartment it was in the dumbest spot, right next to the bedroom bathroom. If you tried to open the closet and the bathroom at the same time the doors collided! Add to that the fact that the cable connection in the living room was on the opposite side of where the television would obviously go and I think the choice was obvious.

Joe: I don't know. Sounds like that apartment on the 7th floor was pretty sweet. Is it still on the market?

Karen: (a little confused) I imagine so.

Joe: Can you explain to me where the laundry room was again?

Short list / Tabitha Gorge

Sentences that suddenly become awesome when adding the word 'gas' at the end:

1. You sure got a lot of nerve.
   

Eulogy template / Florence Flapper

What to say about INSERT NAME.

I could tell you that HE/SHE was a lover of music and movies. I could tell you INSERT NAME enjoyed traveling and spending time with family and friends. I could tell you HE/SHE took pride in HIS/HER job and was a well respected member of this community.

But we already know that.

What I think needs to be said, and what I think today is about, is how we're all better people today for having known INSERT NAME. Because let's face it, there were times when HE/SHE wasn't so easy to get along with. [pause for laugh] Whether it was being a sore loser at Monopoly, taking offense to wise cracks about HIS/HER latest haircut, or getting lost while driving, INSERT NAME did not suffer from a lack of passion. [pause for laugh] But I think we can all agree that it was that passion, that lust for life, that made INSERT NAME such a wonderful person in the first place.

Not to say HE/SHE didn't have a softer side. It may surprise some of you to hear that I had some deep conversations with INSERT NAME about things such as love, philosophy, and the meaning of life. I can honestly say those were some of the best conversations I ever had. For those of us closest to INSERT NAME that had the privilege of sharing these cherished moments I think you'll back me up when I say that while HIS/HER views on politics may be a little skewed [pause for laugh] HE/SHE sure did have a lot of love to share. Lucky for us there was plenty to go around.

And man was HE/SHE funny! I recall a particular weekend several years ago we spent together with some mutual friends. We were all looking forward to a couple days away from it all, soaking up the sun and partaking in a few beverages with umbrellas sticking out! [pause for laugh] Can I tell you that it rained the whole time! We were all stuck in this tiny room and it didn't take long before we all started getting on each others nerves. The whole weekend was at risk of being classified as a bonafide disaster but wouldn't you know it, INSERT NAME had the crazy idea of having a picnic in the rain! Soon enough there we all were, sitting on a wet blanket eating soggy sandwiches laughing our heads off! [pause for laugh] But that's the kind of person INSERT NAME was. Always looking at the bright side. Always seeing the light through the clouds.

So with that in mind I think it's important today to focus on how INSERT NAME lived, rather than how INSERT NAME died. Celebrate HIS/HER life rather than mourn HIS/HER death. I think we can all agree that's the way INSERT NAME would have wanted it. I can picture HIM/HER now looking down on us right now and yelling, "Why the long faces folks? And why are you all dressed up? Take off your ties and your high heels, slip into some jeans and let's go BOWLING/OUT TO EAT/TO THE BEACH [pause for laugh] Life is too short!"

Well I'm not one to deny a GUY/GIRL HIS/HER last request. [take off TIE/HIGH HEELS]

So thank you INSERT NAME. Thank you for reminding us all what it means to be a good friend, a wonderful MOTHER/FATHER/BROTHER/SISTER/SON/DAUGHTER, and a horrible driver. [pause for laugh]

Now let's go BOWLING/OUT TO EAT/TO THE BEACH!!

Opposites / Rudy Schlep

Another game I used to play a lot was called 'Opposites'. My roommate in college made it up. The way 'Opposites' worked is Doug, my roommate, would say a word and I would try to guess the opposite of that word. He knew them all. Would you guys like to play?

Cool.

I have Doug's notebook here, where he wrote down all his opposites. Let’s try a few.

[looking through Doug's notebook]

Here’s a good one! Frisbee. What is the opposite of a frisbee? Any guesses?

Anyone?

Nope, nice try. I see where you were going with loaf of bread but try to think more along the lines of the absolute opposite of frisbee.

Anyone else?

Closer. The correct answer is actually switchblade. Yes, switchblade is what we were looking for. OK let’s try another one.

Door knob. . . Anyone? Once again what's the opposite of door knob?

Pancake you say? O.K. you got the right idea. Build on that. Keep it going with that.

No I’m sorry the opposite of door knob is burning yourself with a cigarette. That was a tough one. Alright one more. You know what, let’s take one from the audience here. Anyone yell out a word and I’ll look it up in Doug's notebook here and I’ll tell you the opposite.

The gentleman in the back said robot I believe. Good word.

[looking it up in the notebook]

Here it is. Opposite of robot. Any guesses?

No.

No. You’re way off. The opposite of robot is. . . severe, unchecked depression.

. . . . [long pause] . . . . . . .

You know, now that I’m looking at some of these a little more closely. . . sleeping pills, restraining order, digging a shallow grave, dead puppies. Yeah, this is kinda messed up. I wonder how Doug's doing anyway. I should look him up. You know, give him a call to check in.

He’d probably like his notebook back.

Ballad of the hungover father / Curtis Strange

Six o'clock in the morning comes all too soon

when just 3 hours prior you were at the saloon.

But a wide awake kid simply does not know

you're in no state to read that Elmo book eight times in a row.

So you flip on the TV, put the kid in your lap

and hope the screen can be daddy as you take a quick nap.
This works for four minutes, possibly five.
Then you're waken to be told it's breakfast time.

So you grit your teeth and smile over the stove,

making scrambled eggs, wondering when you got old.

The smell makes you gag and the heat makes you sweat

as you answer repeated questions with "Not yet" "Not yet".

And you pretend that you're chipper and all full of spunk

to hide from your wife the fact that you're likely still drunk.

You take a shot at 'playing'. Put on the worst puppet show ever.

You get a look of pure boredom as your arms start to tremor.

You throw up just a little on your way to the park.

Lightheaded from walking, things start to go dark.
You make it, but barely, to a long row of swings
where you mindlessly push and take stock of things.

The day is still young, obligations still heaping,

and your childless friends are no doubt still sleeping.

But you somehow pulled through when many wouldn't bother.

That's why you have little doubt that you're an adequate father.

Seconds / Enid Aura

The While Castle Incident: documented happenings leading up to

Joshua Pashman, Coworker:

5:28 pm EST; Friday August 3, 2001

It had been a long week. We’d just implemented a brand new online inventory reservation system and it didn’t work for shit. Richard had sort of been in charge of the whole thing and was getting a lot of flack from sales and finance. Word had even spread to the big wigs in corporate. I remember asking him if he had any plans for the weekend and he said he would be drinking. I started to laugh a little but stopped when I saw the look on his face. It wasn’t about unwinding or having a good time. It was about getting to a state of inebriation as fast as possible.

To continue reading go to The Revolving Floor (a new website I have the privilege of contributing to).

Please check out the site and leave a comment there letting me know what you think of the piece. I'd greatly appreciate it.

Thanks

Per our conversation / Milo Something

Hi Rita-

Per our conversation, here is a email reconfirming the words we just exchanged a matter of seconds ago regarding my request for a report containing all 2008 data sorted by advertiser.

The words in this email convey no new information mind you, they simply reside in my "sent" folder to serve as evidence of the conversation we just had over the phone. The idea is that the very act of sending this note to you through cyberspace unwillingly enters you and I into an oral contract of sorts. The appearance of this message in your "inbox" is as good as your signature.

With that said, it's worth mentioning that I've taken great care in trying to eliminate any traces of what could be perceived as passive aggressive language on my part. For example, you see how I started with the word "Hi"? Previous versions did not include that word. I like to think that the simple addition of "Hi" conveys an aire of folksy banter that effectively masks any intention I have of getting you in trouble. Note that I didn't include my title in my signature. That was also intentional. I tend to think that signing off simply as "Chris" rather than "Christopher Paulson - Regional Sales Director" keeps things on the lighter side and reduces the chances of you correctly interpreting this email for what it truly is - an ingenious covert gesture to get the information I want in a timely manner due to the fear that I could later use this message against you as documented proof of our brief conversation we had regarding the aforementioned report request.

Thanks in advance! (the explanation point makes it seems like we're friends, doesn't it?)

Chris

Terrible book report on "The Great Gatsby" based on perusing Cliffs Notes for 5 minutes / Wendell Bubbler

"Great Gatsby" is a book unequaled in its various themes, symbols, and motifs. Of course before these can be effectively analyzed it's important to convey some basic aspects of the main characters. Nick's character is very important because he provides the reader's view into the story itself. He's the most identifiable of the main characters and is the most likable. And if there's one thing we've learned about classic tales such as "Great Gatsby" it's that likable characters are key. The other primary character is Gatsby. He's very rich and throws lavish parties but at the same time remains quite mysterious. This mystery is a key part to the rest of the story. There's also a woman named Daisy who plays a crucial role.

One main motif of the book is parties. Much of the action takes place at decadent parties where are schemes are hatched and scandals are carried out. These parties also serve as symbols of the upper class because the people wear nice clothes and eat expensive food which obviously cost a lot of money. One could even say the the extravagance of the parties provides an ironic foreshadowing of the death Gatsby and Daisy. The foreshadowing is also a central theme of the story as it pops up in more than one occasion. For example, there's the green light at the beginning of the story that foreshadows the green light at the end.

In conclusion, I think it's the greed of the main characters of the book that ultimately lead to their demise. And while "Great Gatsby" took place in a time much different than today, I think there are still lessons to be learned regarding wealth not necessarily leading to happiness, and the kindness and wonder of strangers.

A definite must read.

The red wall syndrome / Craig Slist

SENSITIVE DOCUMENT!

DO NOT COPY!!

VIOLATORS PROSECUTED BY ICCI UNDER PARAGRAPH 3 SECTION 7C OF NONDISCLOSURE AGREEMENT!!!

From the desk of the International Cursory Correlation Institute (ICCI)

case #A572D84:

aug/23/2009 walls on 15th fl of netherman industries painted red for purposes of serving as ICCI event investigation catalyst #A572D84.

the following findings reported by case worker charles grigsby (employee ID 6701) who posed as a temp assigned administrative office work (i.e. filing, copying, organizing supply closet) for the 5 business days following event investigation catalyst.

reported findings as follows -

stephen doiter called in sick for 3 consecutive days / carla bamford did not complain about the temperature for the first time in 36 days / michael fill started recycling his paper despite prior public announcements regarding his refusal to do so / dina caruthers decided not to wash her hands after using the restroom and proceeded to eat a cajun turkey sandwich she brought from home with a tiny smudge of excrement on her right pinky finger / douglas heilman set a personal best time in mine sweeper (difficulty setting medium) / mitchell delineo had what he referred to as a 'major breakthrough' in his pitch to the lexus account / matthew danling and marie stafford were caught in the narrow hallway by the large conference room trying to pass each other and they both said excuse me at the same time as matthew went to the right and marie to the left and they nearly collided and then marie went left and matthew went right and they both stood their doing their awkward little dance for a full 45 seconds before marie finally decided to take a different route to the lunch room / francene tramond has a spontaneous orgasm while walking by the copying machine.

-end of reported findings.

case worker charles grigsby (employee ID 6701) submitted form 410 at the completion of the assignment and noted the red paint's dark tone - more of a maroon / bergundy / crimson. Recommendation of an alternate, lighter hue - coral / magenta /vermillion was proposed for a future assignment.

ICCI agrees with case worker 6701's assessment.

case has been forwarded to the executive board of review for possible reassignment / redeployment.

status = pending.

END-