We've come a long way boys.
I remember at the beginning of the season this team was like a tennis ball machine set up at an odd angle so that the tennis balls flew too high and too far to the right resulting in multiple balls bouncing or rolling into the adjacent court and disrupting a lesson someone paid top dollar for. That time has passed. Over the course of the year this team has grown. Not so much like a tennis ball machine but more like tiny little baby octopuses, or octopi, or whatever you call them. Swimming around in a sea of mystery shooting black ink out of their asses whenever they get scared. And the thing is it's OK to be scared, you see? I'm not going to lie to you. There's a battle waiting for you tonight out on that field. You need to take that fear and use it to your advantage. Use it to both keep your edge and prepare for battle like a poor Burmese man uses a rickshaw to both transport his customers and sometimes eat in when it's too hot to sit and eat his lunch in the sun. This is one of those rickshaws that has a sort of roof type covering, you understand? For protection! Because that's the most important message here fellas. Protection. Protect your quarterback like a tree protects its roots. It grows tall out of the dirt as if to say, "Look up here assholes! There's nothing going on down there. Don't even bother looking towards the ground. It's no use trying to hurt my roots because they're underground anyway!"
I remember at the beginning of the season this team was like a tennis ball machine set up at an odd angle so that the tennis balls flew too high and too far to the right resulting in multiple balls bouncing or rolling into the adjacent court and disrupting a lesson someone paid top dollar for. That time has passed. Over the course of the year this team has grown. Not so much like a tennis ball machine but more like tiny little baby octopuses, or octopi, or whatever you call them. Swimming around in a sea of mystery shooting black ink out of their asses whenever they get scared. And the thing is it's OK to be scared, you see? I'm not going to lie to you. There's a battle waiting for you tonight out on that field. You need to take that fear and use it to your advantage. Use it to both keep your edge and prepare for battle like a poor Burmese man uses a rickshaw to both transport his customers and sometimes eat in when it's too hot to sit and eat his lunch in the sun. This is one of those rickshaws that has a sort of roof type covering, you understand? For protection! Because that's the most important message here fellas. Protection. Protect your quarterback like a tree protects its roots. It grows tall out of the dirt as if to say, "Look up here assholes! There's nothing going on down there. Don't even bother looking towards the ground. It's no use trying to hurt my roots because they're underground anyway!"
Do you understand what I'm saying?
Good!!!
Now our opponent is formidable. It's no secret that Jefferson East is 7-1 and tied for first place in the conference. You know that. I know that. I also know that they can be beaten. Our opponent is like a stack of spiral bound notebooks about to tip over because the jackass who stacked them didn't alternate between metal spiral side and paper side so as the stack got higher it slowly leaned more and more to the one side until the whole thing tipped over. They always have been. They always will be.
So tonight. . . when you step out onto that field. . . and you hear the roar of that crowd. . . I want you to reach deep down into yourselves, past the tennis ball machines and past the octopi and the Burmese man with the covered rickshaws and roots and spiral bound notebooks and grab onto the part of you that's like a toaster when it spits out the toast before it's done and when you try to push the lever back down again it makes that weird buzzing noise as if it's too hot or it doesn't believe that the bread isn't fully toasted or something and I want you to rip that part of yourself out and hold it high for the whole wide world to see!!
Are you ready!?!
I said are you ready!?!?!
Then let's go kick some East Jefferson ass!!!!
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