If you live in the New York tri-state area chances are you've seen the Optimum 'Triple Play' commercial.Watch it Here
While unremarkable at first viewing, after seeing it a couple dozen times I began to really pay attention and appreciate it. Turns out it's the craziest god-damned thing I've ever seen. Here's what happens:
Image of television showing a group of pirates dragging a canon out of the ocean. They fire the canon.
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Big dude dressed in all white wearing a stupid hat and sunglasses squirming of the sofa of his minimalist apartment apparently really having to pee. Cannon ball bursts through wall of minimalist apartment and all the walls fall to reveal that dude was actually sitting on the beach with the aforementioned pirates.
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Flat screen TV sitting inside large clam or oyster. Pirates on beach approach TV clam/oyster with curiosity.
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Image of sand castle built in the shape of $29.95.
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Pirates walking down the beach in celebratory fashion with large clam/oyster television held over their collective heads.
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Three mermaids lounging on beach reciting phone number of the high speed internet, digital cable TV & digital phone service.
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Life guard station on beach manned by beautiful woman (mermaid transformed??) who is watching a laptop that's playing a video of the first dude riding a jet ski in the ocean. He falls off the jet ski while saying something undecipherable, presumably about the high speed internet, digital cable TV & digital phone service.
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Three beautiful lifeguards (mermaids transformed??) run down the stairs of the life guard station to the beach to rescue the dude the one lifeguard saw fall off the jet ski on her laptop.
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Dude who fell off of jet ski has found refuge on a nearby buoy. The three lifeguards throw three life preservers in his direction. Dude makes a lame attempt to reach for them and clumsily falls off the buoy.
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The three lifeguards doing a brief but highly sexual dance on the beach while reciting the number of the high speed internet, digital cable TV & digital phone service.
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A bird's eye pan of the beach reveals a row of beautiful women (lifeguards transformed??) laying on towels. The last woman in the row grabs a nearby conch shell that's apparently plugged into the sand somehow and is actually a fully functional telephone. She hands the conch to the dude who's safely made it out of the ocean and is now buried in the sand up to his neck. In the background we can see the pirates in the ocean thrashing in about two feet of water attempting to flee from some sort of aquatic dragon. The women on the towels see the pirates headed their way and they get up and run with them leaving dude behind to get trampled by the fleeing pirates. They pass the $29.95 sandcastle.
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Aquatic dragon in the ocean rapping to the camera about international calling features as a lingering pirate attempts to chop off the dragon's tail using a machete.
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Women who were on the beach are now dancing with umbrellas among palm tress while reciting the phone number of the high speed internet, digital cable TV & digital phone service.
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Dude is now back in his original apartment (which is now reassembled and missing the canon ball hole) along with the three mermaids and an open, glowing, treasure chest.
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CLOSE WITH
Close up of treasure chest which contains a lot of gold and three bedazzled logos of Optimum Triple Play.
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