Man with gun screaming in general direction of adversary hiding in abandoned factory / Theodore Danson

I know you're in here, John. . . .

[looks underneath conveyor belt]

I have to give you credit. You almost pulled it off. A worthy fucking adversary to be certain but it looks like you've come up a bit short yet again, old friend. You see, the transmission you sent? Intercepted. I'm afraid Phillips doesn't know anything. In fact he thinks your dead. They all think you're dead. They all think you're dead and that you're to blame for everything. For the missing Rembrandt file, for the explosion on the yacht. . . . for Belinda's death.

[pulls aside plastic tarp - nothing but Styrofoam blocks]

Can you feel the walls closing in? Can you feel the final grains of sand sliding down through the hourglass, John? It's only a matter of time now. Your pitiful attempt at derailing my takeover of Techknob Industries has been thwarted. It looks like once again I managed to come out on top. So whadya say John- why don't you come out so we can have one last chat? For old times sake.

[peering into the rafters]

[cocks gun]

Oh John. John, John, John. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that there's still hope. That he doesn't know that the program has a flaw. That once activated, the new Rembrandt file will be missing the conductor code. That Jenkins never trusted me in the first place and he's sure to mention the missing conductor code to the board of trustees. That I'll be exposed. That the good guys will win in the end. Well, old chap, you should know more than anyone that I never take a seat at a table without a few aces up my sleeve. [checks behind steel drums] I know about the missing conductor codes. I know everything, you see. It's the same today as it was years ago at Oxford. You point out the faults in my theories and I point out the faults in your faults. The new program doesn't require conductor codes.

Jenkins saw to that.

[cocks gun (again)]

God rest his soul.

So, you see, there's no use in hiding. It's over. It’s too bad that you have to die. Really. We would've made a great team. We always did. I don’t’ want to kill you, John, but I have no other choice. You know too much. So let's settle this like men. Show yourself! I'll make it quick. It's the least I could do for an old friend.

[cell phone rings]

[answering] This better be important. We're supposed to keep these lines clear. Oh. . . Are you sure it's him? I assumed he was here. . . hiding somewhere. Where'd you find him? Christ . . . yeah just put him on.

Hello John? Simmons here.

[clears throat]

I have to give you credit. You almost pulled it off. A worthy fucking adversary to be certain but it looks like you've come up a bit short yet again, old friend. You see, the transmission you sent? Intercepted. I'm afraid Phillips . . . Hello? John? You still there?

Something I wrote while drunk on vacation / Roscoe Q. Highball

I leaned back in the wicker patio chair and allowed the gin to take its hold.  A lit cigarette dangled between my fingers.  I watched it glow bright with each drunk breath and it occurred to me that although brainless and inanimate, it remained the only proof that I was still alive on this godforsaken island.  Ocean waves crashed in the distance, reminding me that I was in paradise.

Minutes from the fellowship of N.O.R.M.A.L. persons / Gloria Titlecock

The Fellowship of N.O.R.M.A.L. persons of America

Meeting Minutes
Feb. 30, 2009

Location:
Underneath the big oak tree by the softball fields in Prospect Park. Brooklyn, NY.

The following members were present: Jebediah Bread, Senator Candance Dropshot, Linden B. Flowers, Beartrap, Priscilla Rapeweahter, Robert the William, and Paul Saulwall (Delegate Abraham Pisswood participated via walkie-talkie from atop the oak tree).

The following members were absent: Professor Lieutenant, Whistle Fuel, and the Manbird (not believed to actually exist).

Guests included: The Remarkable Ted - Associate Director of Space & Time

Chairman Jebediah Bread called the meeting to order at 1:06 pm, requesting review of the previous meeting's (11/31/08) minutes.

Delegate Pisswood moved the minutes to be accepted, and they were approved by voice vote.

Chairman Bread immediately filed a motion to revisit the fellowships acronym and proposed a change from the current:

Nixing
Old
Rituals
Making
America
Looser

to

Nary
Ordinary
Religiously
Mitigated to
Alternate
Lifestyles

The motion was accepted unanimously by a groan vote.

Next the panel broke into groups of 1 or 2 and spent the following 35 minutes constructing alternative ice-breaking comments. The groups then reconvened and offered the following suggestions:

"That shirt you're wearing would look great with the sleeves cut off."
"Thank goodness for gravity."
"Life after death would be beneficial for an individual of your good nature and warm heartedness."
"Fire from ice. Tell me how!"
"That guy over there wanted to kill you but I just talked him out of it."

Chairman Bread next instructed the panel to consider how their lives would be different if they could travel at the speed of light. Senator Dropshot remarked that this would be great because then they could travel through time. Chairman Bread replied that he didn't mean it in terms of time travel but only in terms of being able to travel super fast. Abraham Pisswood yelled down from the tree that there was no point in being able to travel at the speed of light if you weren't allowed to travel through time. Robert the William agreed. At this point Chairman Bread said nevermind.

Chairman Bread next welcomed guest The Remarkable Ted - Associate Director of Space & Time, who dazzled the attendees with his ability to disrupt the nearby softball game by loudly predicting ball trajectories with alarming accuracy not to mention making several great catches using a large dog catcher's net.  Ted then passed around a snack of delicious snacks.

Robert the William then made a dual motion to extend an offer of membership to The Remarkable Ted - Associate Director of Space & Time and to revoke the membership of Manbird who has yet to attend a meeting or pay social dues.  The motion was denied.  Ted was dismissed.

As a standard item of business each member wrote his/her quarterly invoke/implore memo, letters to Manbird invoking his attendance and imploring his existence.  The letters were then collected, shuffled, redistributed, and read aloud in a mocking fashion of its author, as is the custom.

Having no other items before the panel, Chairman Bread declared the meeting adjourned at approximately 1:45 pm.

Respectfully submitted,

Beartrap
[Grand Scribe]

Before the day begins / Solomon Lindel

6:00: wake up
6:10: get out of bed
6:10: walk into bathroom
6:11: pee
6:12: walk to nursery
6:12: say hello to daughter
6:14: check blackberry
6:14: turn on tv in kitchen
6:14: check weather
6:15: put on wind pants
6:15: put on socks
6:15: put on t-shirt
6:15: put on sweatshirt
6:15: put on boots
6:16: call for dog
6:16: put collar on dog
6:16: put leash on dog
6:17: put on scarf
6:17: put on coat
6:17: grab keys
6:17: grab plastic bag
6:17: grab dog treats
6:17: grab ipod
6:17: put on stocking cap
6:18: exit apartment
6:18: turn on ipod
6:18: walk to park with dog
6:24: take dog off leash
6:24: watch dog run
6:24: walk south
6:27: call for dog
6:27: watch dog come
6:28: give dog treat
6:28: say "good boy"

6:28: watch dog run
6:29: walk south
6:34: call for dog
6:34: watch dog come
6:34: give dog treat
6:34: say "good boy"
6:35: watch dog run
6:36: watch dog shit
6:36: walk to dog shit
6:37: pick up dog shit with plastic bag
6:37: walk south
6:38: drop dog shit bag into trash can
6:38: call for dog
6:38: watch dog come
6:38: give dog treat
6:39: say "good boy"
6:39: turn around
6:39: walk north
6:41: call for dog
6:41: watch dog come
6:41: give dog treat
6:41: say "good boy"

6:41: watch dog run
6:41: walk north
6:43: call for dog
6:43: watch dog come
6:43: give dog treat
6:43: say "good boy"
6:43: watch dog run
6:43: walk north
6:45: call for dog
6:45: watch dog come
6:45: give dog treat
6:45: say "good boy"
6:45: put leash back on dog
6:46: walk back to apartment
6:50: open door
6:50: take off gloves
6:50: take leash off of dog
6:50: take collar off of dog
6:50: turn off ipod
6:50: set ipod on table
6:51: set keys on table
6:51: take off stocking cap
6:51: take off coat
6:51: take off boots

6:51: walk into bedroom

6:52: take off socks

6:52: take off wind pants

6:52: take off sweatshirt

6:52: take off t-shirt

6:53: walk into bathroom

6:53: take off boxers

6:53: turn on shower

6:54: adjust temperature

6:54: step into tub

6:54: get wet

6:55: grab soap

6:55: wash body

6:58: rinse

6:58: grab shampoo

6:59: wash hair

7:01: rinse

7:01: turn off shower

7:02: step out of tub

7:02: grab towel

7:02: dry off

7:04: put on deodorant

7:04: walk into bedroom

7:04: put on boxers

7:04: walk into kitchen

7:05: kiss wife goodbye

7:06: walk into bedroom

7:06: put on socks

7:06: put on pants

7:06: put on belt

7:07: put on shirt

7:07: walk into kitchen

7:08: feed dog

7:09: put daughter in high chair

7:10: pour cheerios on tray

7:11: take bread out of fridge

7:11: take lunch meat out of fridge

7:11: take mayonnaise out of fridge

7:11: take mustard out of fridge

7:12: take pickles out of fridge

7:12: take hummus out of fridge

7:12: take apple out of fridge

7:12: put mayo, mustard, lunch meat, and pickles on piece of bread

7:13: put second piece of bread on top of mayo, mustard, meat, and pickles

7:13: wrap sandwich in aluminum foil

7:14: put hummus is tupperware

7:15: take granola bar out of cupboard

7:15: take crackers out of cupboard

7:16: place sandwich, apple, granola bar, crackers, and hummus in plastic bag

7:16: pour more cheerios on tray

7:17: take yogurt of of fridge

7:17: take blueberries out of fridge

7:17: take bowl out of cupboard

7:18: take spoon out of silverware drawer

7:18: take granola out of cupboard

7:18: take almonds out of cupboard

7:19: chop almonds with knife

7:20: place yogurt, blueberries, granola, and chopped almonds in bowl

7:22: take daughter out of high chair

7:22: carry daughter and bowl into living room

7:23: turn on tv in living room

7:23: turn channel to 'mike & mike in the morning'

7:24: put toys on floor

7:24: sit in chair

7:25: eat breakfast & watch tv

7:28: get up from chair

7:28: stop daughter from crawling into bathroom

7:29: sit in chair

7:30: eat breakfast & watch tv

7:32: get up from chair

7:32: stop daughter from crawling into kitchen

7:33: sit in chair

7:33: eat breakfast & watch tv

7:35: get up from chair

7:35: stop daughter from chewing on computer cord

7:35: sit in chair

7:36: finish breakfast

7:37: walk into kitchen

7:37: place bowl and spoon in sink

7:38: walk into living room

7:40: place daughter in crib

7:41: check blackberry

7:42: walk into kitchen

7:42: wash dishes

7:49: put dishes away

7:50: walk into bathroom

7:51: brush teeth

7:54: gargle mouthwash

7:55: style hair

7:57: walk into bedroom

7:57: put on shoes

7:58: put on watch

7:58: put phone in pocket

7:58: put money clip in pocket

7:58: put work id in pocket

7:58: put notebook in pocket

7:58: put gum in pocket

7:58: put keys in pocket

7:58: put on sports coat

7:59: put dirty laundry in laundry bag

8:01: walk into living room

8:01: turn off tv in living room

8:01: pick up toys

8:01: wake up daughter

8:02: take daughter out of crib

8:02: change daughter's diaper

8:05: turn off light in living room

8:05: walk into bedroom

8:05: turn off light in bedroom

8:05: close bedroom door

8:05: walk into kitchen

8:06: fill dog's water bowl

8:07: carry water bowl into living room

8:07: walk into kitchen

8:07: fill dog's food bowl

8:07: carry food bowl into living room

8:08: lure dog into living room

8:08: close and lock living room door

8:08: pick up daughter's snow suit and hat

8:08: sit in chair

8:08: put on daughter's snow suit

8:10: put on daughter's hat

8:10: place daughter in stroller

8:10: buckle daughter in stroller

8:10: place blanket over daughter
8:10: adjust stroller handles to highest position

8:10: put bag lunch into messenger bag

8:10: put on scarf

8:10: put on jacket

8:10: turn off light above sink

8:10: toss messenger bag over shoulder

8:11: turn off tv in kitchen

8:11: pick up ipod

8:11: take one last look in mirror
8:11: turn on ipod

8:11: open front door

8:11: turn kitchen light off

8:11: push stroller out front door

8:11: exit apartment

8:11: close front door

8:11: lock front door
8:11: take deep breath

8:12: begin my day

How to remember a dream / Timothy Whereabouts

Hi. If your anything like me, you often have majestic and terrible dreams. The only problem is you forget them a few seconds after waking up. No more. If you follow these simple steps you'll never forget your dreams again.

First of all, keep a pen and small notebook near your bed to jot down your dreams as soon as you wake up. This one may sound like a no-brainer but it warrants top billing here because folks often don't keep the pen and paper close enough. If you wake up at 3 in the morning in a cold sweat because you just had a dream were a cat named Dilso made out of ham explained to you how the theory of relativity and quantum mechanics were interconnected, you don't want to be reaching all the way to your nightstand for a pen while hastily muttering to yourself, "atoms divided by light plus time equals gravity, atoms divided by light plus time equals gravity, atoms divided by light plus time equals gravity." By the time you've fumbled with the pen cap and knocked over the lamp it's too late, you've forgotten the theory of everything. I suggest hanging the pen and paper from your bedroom ceiling using some kite string. Use enough string so that it hangs just above your face as you sleep. This way when you wake up after a dream it will always be in easy reach, just inches from your face. Now that's dreaming with style my friend!

Tip #2. I inferred this in the first tip but don't be afraid to say your dream out loud right after you wake up. The verbal repetition will help you remember details that would've otherwise drifted off into oblivion. I can't tell you how many times this method has preserved precious details from my own mind stories. For example, I never would have remembered the dream I had about being murdered in my sleep by a man with a hatchet if I hadn't woken up and yelled, "There's a man in the room with a hatchet! Wake up, he's got a hatchet!" Not only did I remember this dream but my wife heard me and reminded me of it the next morning. I call that the ole' double reminder two times special! Other dreams I've remembered this way include the one I had where I couldn't see ("I can't see! I can't see!"), the one where I ordered a turtle for dinner in Spain ("Una tortuga por favor. Una tortuga por favor."), and the one where I'm back in 5th grade and I'm being tested on the capitals of non-existent states ("Townsville, North Arean! Assapolis, New Brainhead! Seety City, St. Sainters!").

Another great trick is after you wake up always trying to dream your way back into your dream. This isn't easy and requires a lot of practice but trust me, it's possible. True story. A few weeks ago I had a dream that I was a world famous penis model. Everywhere I went people would give me free money, ask for my autograph, and congratulate me on my fantastic schlong. I won't go into detail here but let's just say that I did OK the lady department as well. Anyways, when I woke up from this winner I immediately snatched the notebook and pen hanging in front of my face and jotted every last detail that I could remember (see tip #1), then I said "I'm a famous dong model and am privileged with a life of fame and fortune" out loud 25 times (see tip #2), finally I shut my eyes tight, clutched my pillow and tried to dream my way back onto that runway in Milan with my wang hanging out. It worked! There I was back at the couture show with all the front row celebs like Mark Wahlberg, Pat Summitt, Queen Latifah, dude from Hootie, and Jerry Maguire all clapping at my cock! Word of warning though - if you do dream your way back into your own dream it's more likely that when you wake from it the second time you'll be very very very depressed. . . . . . . .

OK last tip! If all else fails feel free to make a dream up. No one gives two shits about your dreams in the first place. Do you seriously think your friends or coworkers are even half paying attention when you're all like, "Last night I had a dream where we were sitting in my apartment but it wasn't really my apartment, it was the house I grew up in. And you were you but you were wearing these sunglasses that were welded to your head like you were a cyborg or something." Fucking kill me now, right? Instead use my penis model dream. That'll likely turn a few heads and you won't sound like such a pathetic douche.

Well that's it! Keep dreaming and reach for the stars and soar with the eagles and stuff!

Handle Davis III (thrice removed)

Letter from friend long assummed dead / Desiree Dipshire

Dear Richard-

Bangkok is amazing. It's so different from the states. The people are more polite and I swear there's this sense of energy that just permeates from the streets. It's like that time we went to visit New York but with Buddhist temples instead of Starbucks. I swear they're everywhere and man those monks sure can kneel and pray with the best of 'em. Not to mention they sell fried insects out of carts instead of hot dogs. Weird and wacky stuff I tell you. I really think you'd dig it the most!

Oh, by the way I'm not dead. Yeah I'm totally still alive! Sorry it's been so long since since we talked. I lost my phone right after the explosion and with it, the phone numbers of everybody I knew. What a hassle! Do you happen to have Linda's by the way? I'm guessing she thinks I'm dead too - such the drama queen. Anyway I was walking down the sidewalk the other day and passed a video store that had an old, faded poster for 'Love Actually' still hanging in the window and I thought of you. Remember that scene at the end in the airport with all the people hugging that made you cry and I totally made fun of you? Ha Ha! Well it occurred to me that I should look you up and see how you were doing and that I should also let you know that I didn't die in that horrible boat crash.

Are you still in veterinarians' school? I suppose you're done by now. Do you still have that that dog, Noodles, or did she drown trying to navigate her way through the flaming wreckage?

Which reminds me, you never finished that dumpster story. I remember you were telling me how you found what appeared to be an entire uneaten and unblemished pie sitting on top of the plastic lid of the dumpster outside of Perkins and you were seriously considering taking it to Gina's party and offering it as a dessert but then you were interrupted by Doug screaming "Richard, watch the fuck where you're going!" Did you end up eating that pie? Did Gina eat any? Did you really not see those sharp rocks? Hilarious!

Speaking of Doug, do you guys still hang out? If so give him a 'what's up' from Janine and tell him that I bailed right before the boat hit the rocky outcropping and exploded into a fire ball. I don't think he saw me and I never really had the chance to say goodbye or give him shit for those ridiculous shorts he was wearing. What a tool!

Are you seeing anyone? Knowing you I'm sure there's a couple ladies in the picture. I swear as the river's current mercilessly dragged my broken body out to sea and I used my last ounce of strength to grasp a dangling tow cable of a passing fishing barge en route to La Habana I couldn't help but think how lucky you're going to make some lady. And when I woke up out of my coma four months later and relearned to walk and speak I made it a point to remember to tell that lucky lady of yours that you pooped your pants in Mr. Kilner's class sophomore year. Ha Ha! You'll never live that one down.

Well I suppose I should get going. The gypsy pirates who overtook the fishing barge and nursed me back to health before teaching me the trade of fake sponge smuggling while traveling from port to port across the eastern hemisphere are getting together to toss a few back and talk about old times. And here you probably thought my corpse was rotting at the bottom of the Okeechobee River or had been ripped to shreds by barracudas. Yikes. My bad for not writing sooner. I guess things just got crazy.

Write back soon OK. We have a lot of catching up to do!

Your Pal,

Janine

P.S. Do you happen to have my Fendi sunglasses? I think I left them on top of the picnic basket by signal flares (which didn't work by the way).

New slang / Perry Linkletter

For about 15 years I thought the phrase 'hanging a clock' was slang for taking a shit.  This small excerpt from a popular movie should explain where the confusion stemmed from.

________________________________________________

Marty: I'm telling the truth Doc. You gotta believe me.

Doc: So tell me Futureboy, who's president of the United States in 1985?

Marty: Ronald Reagan.

Doc: Ronald Reagan, the actor? Ha! Then who's vice president? Jerry lewis? I suppose Jane Wyman is the first lady.

Marty: Whoa wait Doc.

Doc: And Jack Benny is the secretary of the treasury. ah.

Marty: Doc, you gotta listen to me.

Doc: I've had enough practical jokes for one evening. Goodnight Futureboy.

Marty: No wait, Doc, the bruise, the bruise on your head, I know how that happened, you told me the whole story. You were standing on your toilet and you were hanging a clock, and you fell, and you hit your head on the sink, and that's when you came up with the idea for the flux capacitor, which makes time travel possible.

____________________________________________

Never did figure out how someone could fall off the toilet when taking a shit.  I guess I just figured elderly scientists did things differently when it came to bowel movements and everybody considered it common knowledge except for me.  You have to admit that if anyone was ever going to bang his skull when pinching a loaf it would be Christopher Lloyd.

Oh well.

Letter I actually sent / Cornelius Happenstance

Walnut Acres

Consumer Relations

4600 Sleepytime Drive

Boulder, CO 80301-3292

Dear Sir or Madam-

I'll get right to the point. I'm having a hell of a time opening your jars of pasta sauce. At first I dismissed it as a fluke. Perhaps I was working with a defective jar. Perhaps I had somehow managed to temporarily confuse my 'lefty loosies' and 'righty tighties'. Perhaps the simple act of boiling spaghetti had somehow rendered my forearms more exhausted than I anticipated. At any rate, after 10 minutes of pounding it on the counter, swearing, running it under hot water, cursing, running it under cold water, resting, trying to jimmy it open with a butter knife, stretching, and rolling it across the kitchen floor for some reason , I finally got it open.

The sauce was pretty good.

Since then I've purchased the 25.5 oz size of Walnut Acres Organic Tomato & Basil Low Sodium Fat Free Pasta Sauce on three separate occasions and each time I was rewarded with a lid wrenching struggle that questioned my manhood. Frustrating to say the least as a spaghetti dinner doesn't taste nearly as good when in the back of your mind you can't shake the thought that you might be a pussy.

But here's the thing. I'm not a pussy. It's not me. It's your god damned jars. I'm 6 foot 2 - 200 lbs. If I can't open your jars I can't imagine that the waify, colon cleansing, vegan, farmer's market frequenting, lonely female demographic that your organic pasta sauce no doubt caters to is having any more luck. I refuse to believe that the same girls who ride bikes to work and read books of which movies have already been made all happen to own automatic electric jar openers.

Frankly it blows my mind that I find myself in the position of alerting you folks to your own product accessibility issues. Evidently no one there has ever tried to open a jar of your sauce. I suppose employees are given their own tremendous ladels to carry around and are free to dip directly into the large vats of piping hot pasta sauce and fill their car trunks at their own leisure thus never having to encounter the steadfast and formidable lids. Bottom line is you clowns need to check the settings on your lid screwer machine because something is out of whack.

I'd go on but I need to save my energy. Ravioli tonight.

Yours truly,

Richard Zeroth