Institute U. / Horace LaFruit

Try coming to our school for once.

We've got all the best things for your children.  Our teachers are all at least 1o feet tall and they talk like gentle angels no matter how mad they might feel inside.  They will treat your kids good and with respect but not so much that your child feels like they are being lied to.

We cover all the subjects like reading, writing, brithing, sharing, horns, and various maths.  Your child will be nurtured in the ways and theories of each with particular emphasis on learning.  You will find that learning is always stressed at out school.  We find it that important.  Our students never ever get bored because there are literally thousands of rooms they can explore, each one with it's own shape, color, and activity challenge.  Room 1, Room 4B, and Room 5L5 are all examples.  The activity challenges range from non-existent to impossible.  "Hide the Air", "Sand Stack", and "Empty Room" are all examples.  Be warned that your child may get lost when venturing from room to room.  Please refrain from inquiring for maps as we have none.  Instead the use of our super siren is encouraged.

Lunch is served very quickly.  Fastest in the district 8 years running!

Every morning before class begins we gather in our custom made room area and prepare for the day by getting ready to start.  Parents rave about our unique method of getting each day under way and many have implemented it in their own homes.  We utilize the conventional A - F grading scale except we do not skip E.  E is used and used often.  You will find that we mostly give out all E's.

Our standards are high because our expectations are high.  Worth noting that the school building itself is also quite high.  In order to maintain these numerous high levels certain habits are discouraged such as itching, leaning, and constant high-pitched screaming.  Children that display continued lack of progress in suppressing such behavior will be given impossible activity challenges (i.e. Sand Stack).  We find discipline a crucial part of each child's development as it allows them to grow into steadfast members of society, confident in their ways, certain of their paths, bright and imaginative, while wondering from room to room.

Come to our school today and begin your child's learning of it all!

Easy way to perturb a small child / Bernard Pamphlette

If red is green and green is blue;

then apples are veggies and nightmares are true.

If left is right and right is wrong;

then the hand you eat with is as good as gone.

Spaghetti for breakfast and pancakes at night;

no crying in church and no cheating when you fight.

If you stand in your bed and sleep in your shoes;

then instead of cartoons you'll be watching the news.

If bunnies are girls and dragons are boys;

then teddy will die if you leave out your toys.

If mom says yes but dad says no;

go ahead and try it if the voices say so.

Hear it in your nose or feel it with your eye;

either one is possible if your face has been smashed in.

Words of comfort / Ernest Burgle

I've always held the belief that stupid people carry the unique ability to add a much needed dose of absurdity to otherwise tense and dire situations.

My wife came home from work yesterday to find that our apartment had been burglarized.

The bad guy made off with some jewelry, my change jar, a whole slew of CDs, and our safe deposit box which held birth certificates, social security cards, passports, two credit cards, and a respectable collection of basketball and football trading cards circa 1985 - 1992. The jewelry wasn't anything to sweat over (so says my wife), the change was spare, the CDs had already been rendered useless after burning onto iTunes, and all the IDs can eventually be replaced. The only real stinger was the football and basketball cards. While they admittedly haven't proven to be a viable investment they did represent a good chunk of my childhood. What's this asshole going to do with 37 Bo Jackson cards? He probably doesn't even know who Hakeen Olajuwon is.

But I digress.

It could have been a lot worse. Among the items left untouched were my laptop, camcorder, digital camera, stereo, iPod, DVD collection, and television. They were all in the living room. The bad guy never bothered to open the door to the living room. Kaizer was in the living room. Evidentially he knew better than to risk messing with an 80 lb boxer. For a guy with $50 worth of spare change in his pockets he showed remarkable resolve.

There were no obvious signs of forced entry but I have no doubt that when I left that morning I remembered to "lock" the door. To call the contraption on our front door a lock is a stretch. Any two-bit criminal with a credit card could pop it open as fast as you or I could open a can of soda. We'd mentioned the shoddy lock to our landlord before and he'd made equally shoddy promises to replace it with something more robust. He never got around to swapping it for a dead bolt and I never got around to reminding him.

After my wife got off the phone with the police she called the landlord. She told him what had happened and demanded that the lock be replaced that night. He offered to call a locksmith and wanted to know of any of the other tenants had seen anyone suspicious. My wife did not know. The landlord then asked if the super had noticed any strange people in the building. My wife did not know. He next asked if our dog was home at the time. My wife said that he was. Then came the final question - the natural follow-up to the current string of inquiries. A simple question from a moron that gave my wife momentary relief from the sick feeling of being violated and allowed me to better bear with the parting of my Lew Alcindor rookie card.

"Did the dog see anything?"

zeroth life lesson: thank the lord for the idiot's loose tongue for they make the seemingly tragic suddenly tolerable.

Change / Winifred Swish

Two years and 98 weekend shifts later and it still hasn't been done.

You don't find it all that surprising.  The chances are pretty slim.  In fact there is only one item in the entire store that if bought on it's own and paid for with the right denomination would trigger that satisfying and appreciated combination of bill rips and coin flicks that even the most bitter and clumsy of cashiers could appreciate.  It had taken you the better part of a slow Saturday to find it.  Right below the microwavable burritos ($1.29) and above the oven-ready pie crusts ($3.19) sat the individual sized Tombstone supreme pizzas for $3.59.

The idea first occurred to you two years prior.  You were just about ready to close shop and pull the final drawer when the last customer bought a carton of milk ($3.19) and a pack of Malboro Mediums ($5.25) and paid with a $10 bill.  The man's change ($1.56) conveniently emptied your quarter, nickel, and penny bins and as you expertly ripped the single bill and flicked each of the five coins out of the drawer you briefly considered the concept of the perfect change amount.  You bounced the idea around in your head as you locked the doors, readied the safe, and killed the music.  By the time you hit the lights you had it.  Now someone just had to put the right combination of merchandise and cash on the counter and you could provide them with perfect change.

Since then several folks had come close, tragically, without ever knowing.

There was the dude with who calls everyone "boss" who once bought a Milky Way bar (99 cents) and four single 69 cent rolls of toilet paper and paid with a $20.

There was the girl with the yellow scarf who would've nailed it when she bought a 4-pack of AA batteries ($3.69) but unfortunately sales tax brought to total to $3.89.

There was the crazy woman who wore the jacket with all the butterfly patches that reached the elusive and perfect total after buying a box of mac 'n cheese ($2.59) and a $1 bran muffin but unfortunately she paid with a credit card.

But right now, standing near the beverage coolers, is a guy holding an individual sized Tombstone supreme pizza ($3.59).  He needs to buy that and nothing else.  Your only hope now is that you don't carry the flavor of soda he's looking for.  Hopefully he's looking for grape soda.  You're out of grape.  He walks away from the cooler doors without making a selection and there's still hope.  He's standing in the personal hygiene aisle now looking at either toothpaste or condoms.  You cross your fingers that he's brand loyal to Aquafresh (which you don't carry) or too chickenshit to buy rubbers.  Again, he walks away with only the pizza in his hand.  

He's coming towards you now, toward the registers.  He sets the individual sized Tombstone supreme pizza ($3.59) on the checkout counter without taking a second look at the wide array of affordable candy, gum, and mints besieging him at all angles, all of which threaten to ruin your pristine purchase.

God bless this man.

You try to stay calm as you ring him up and tell him his total.

"That'll be $3.59."

He reaches in his wallet and you realize that while he's come so far, he's still one major step away from completing the ultimate transaction.  He's either going to pay with a $5, $10, $20, or charge it.  So even after chosing the single conducive item in the store, and sticking with only that item, there's still just a 1 in 4 chance that he passes this final test.

Just then he pulls out a $20 bill.  He's done it.  After two long years and countless customers you finally have your chance you bestow the perfect change.

"Out of $20."

You open the register now and allow your hands to momentarily hover over the drawer before you nimbly alternate hands and happily retrieve;

one ten

one five

one one

one quarter

one dime

one nickel

one penny

"$16.41 is your change.  Have a nice day."

Indeed.

Various cerebral locations / Loretta Showers

I don't know why but my brain sometimes just goes places. The thin winter air seeps in through the ears and slowly envelopes the mind and allows it to hover there, between blood and bone. There it's free to stretch and contract, contract and stretch, until it pops loose and wanders.

So that it does.

It rises high above my existence so that the very edges come into view and there I am in the most literal sense of the words 'there', 'I', and 'am'. Complicated situations turn comical because humor comes easy when nothing bleeds off the margins.

It doesn't linger though.

Next it's in a hermetically sealed tupperware container. There it sweats and methodically pokes and scratches at the lid from the inside. A white starburst pattern slowly forms in the plastic where it tries to force its way out. The pattern spreads. Before it breaks free it ponders coffee carts, modems, and neck ties.

It saunters on.

My brain is resting on a display stand now. That display stand sits on a sheer white table surrounded by television cameras. A sad man with a headset microphone bellows at the cameras and the spitle flies. You've never seen a brain like this he says. Supplies are limited so call in now he demands. Now only $39.95 he lies. OK $29.95 he admits. The phones do not ring. Show them how it wiggles his producer recommends.

He does.

From there it treks back into my skull where it peers out through the orbital cavity at you, standing here, as we speak. It does what it does with your words and inflections and expressions and such. It doesn't understand you but it tells me it does. That's how we work. The lies it tells make me second guess it all and before you know it I've been tricked again and it's off on it's travels once more.

That damned winter air.

Cool things to "accidentally" find in your pocket when on a first date / Herbert Airball

Treasure map

Bronze medal: Hammer throw

Compromising polaroid of the uppity waiter

Voucher for free lifetime supply of Captain Crunch

Cock ring

Letter from the future written by yourself explaining your heroic death in the pulse wars

Burt Reynold's car phone number

Two space shuttle tickets

Never-ending multicolored scarf

G.I. Joe action figure (preferably Destro)

Two sticks of hyperberrymint* gum (*flavor your invented)

Flamethrower

Anything with a hologram on it

A seemingly perpetual series of even smaller pockets that eventually lead to tiny world of magic

Really cool hat

Electronic mail thread / Merlin Olsen

From: Supervisor, Kisser's
Sent: Mriday, Month Date, Year AM o'clock
To: Shot, Big
Cc: Suit, Power; Guy, New
Subject: Re: FW: Out of Office AutoReply: RE: Subject Line

Originally requested information claimed to be attached.  No attachment.

Kisser's Supervisor
Director Title in ambiguous Department
Company name with clever punctuation
Tall & Impressive building, nth floor
City, State Zip
tele.phone.number

---

From: ItAll, Know
Sent: Mriday, Month Date, Year AM o'clock
To: Supervisor, Kisser's
Subject: Re: FW: Out of Office AutoReply: RE: Subject Line

Attachment: Answer.xls

Requested information in a beautifully formatted excel attachment.

---

From: Supervisor, Kisser's
Sent: Mriday, Month Date, Year AM o'clock
To: Shot, Big
Cc: Suit, Power; Guy, New; #1, Random; Guy, Squirrelly; Lady, HR; #2, Random; #3, Random; ItAll, Know; Kisser, Ass
Subject: Re: FW: Out of Office AutoReply: RE: Subject Line

Lengthy apology confirming full understanding of urgency and need of timely responses along with strategically veiled passive/aggressive comments regarding future expectations added in a desperate attempt to come across as important and vital member of the organization.

Kisser's Supervisor
Director Title in ambiguous Department
Company name with clever punctuation
Tall & Impressive building, nth floor
City, State Zip
tele.phone.number

---

From: Shot, Big
Sent: Mriday, Month Date, Year AM o'clock
To: Supervisor, Kisser's
Cc: Suit, Power; Guy, New; #1, Random; Guy, Squirrelly; Lady, HR; #2, Random; #3, Random; ItAll, Know; Kisser, Ass
Subject: FW: Out of Office AutoReply: RE: Subject Line

FYI - See below.

Wordy reiteration of importance of requested information accompanied with extensive verbiage and language expressing disappointment of lack of adherence to claimed department service level agreements.

Big Shot
Inflated Title
Company name with clever punctuation
Tall & Impressive building, nth floor
City, State Zip
tele.phone.number

---

From: Kisser, Ass
Sent: Mriday, Month Date, Year AM o'clock
To: Shot, Big
Subject: Out of Office AutoReply: RE: Subject Line

I will be out of the office beginning Mriday, Month Date, Year AM o'clock, returning next Flursday, Month Date, Year PM o'clock.  If you need immediate assistance, please contact Know ItAll.

---

From: Shot, Big
Sent: Mriday, Month Date, Year AM o'clock
To: Kisser, Ass
Cc: Suit, Power; Guy, New; #1, Random; Supervisor, Kisser's; #2, Random
Subject: RE: Subject Line

Urgent clarification request with 'high importance' flag activated.

Big Shot
Inflated Title
Company name with clever punctuation
Tall & Impressive building, nth floor
City, State Zip
tele.phone.number

---

From: Kisser, Ass
Sent: Mriday, Month Date, Year AM o'clock
To: Shot, Big
Cc: Suit, Power; Guy, New; #1, Random; Supervisor, Kisser's; #2, Random
Subject: RE: Subject Line

Incorrect information formatted in a confusing manner.

---

From: Shot, Big
Sent: Flursday, Month Date, Year PM o'clock
To: Kisser, Ass
Cc: Suit, Power; Guy, New; #1, Random; Supervisor, Kisser's; #2, Random
Subject: RE: Subject Line

Follow up on original request.

Big Shot
Inflated Title
Company name with clever punctuation
Tall & Impressive building, nth floor
City, State Zip
tele.phone.number

---

From: Kisser, Ass
Sent: Flursday, Month Date, Year AM o'clock
To: Supervisor, Kisser's
Subject: RE: FW: RE: Subject Line

Denial of need of aforementioned fake assistance.

---

From: Supervisor, Kisser's
Sent: Flursday, Month Date, Year AM o'clock
To: Kisser, Ass
Subject: FW: RE: Subject Line

Fake offer of assistance.

Kisser's Supervisor
Director Title in ambiguous Department
Company name with clever punctuation
Tall & Impressive building, nth floor
City, State Zip
tele.phone.number

---

From: Shot, Big 
Sent: Flursday, Month Date, Year AM o'clock
To: Kisser, Ass
Cc: Supervisor, Kisser's
Subject: RE: Subject Line

Conflicting message stating desire to not create extra work as well as pressing urgency noting important meeting on Mriday morning.

Big Shot
Inflated Title
Company name with clever punctuation
Tall & Impressive building, nth floor
City, State Zip
tele.phone.number

---

From: Kisser, Ass
Sent: Flursday, Month Date, Year AM o'clock
To: Shot, Big 
Subject: RE: Subject Line

Inquiry regarding expected turn-around time of request noted below.

---

From: ItAll, Know
Sent: Flursday, Month Date, Year AM o'clock
To: Kisser, Ass
Cc: Supervisor, Kisser's
Subject: RE: FW: RE: Subject Line

Polite refusal.

---

From:  Kisser, Ass

Sent: Flursday, Month Date, Year AM o'clock
To: ItAll, Know
Subject: FW: RE: Subject Line

Request to hand off work and steal credit?

---

From: Kisser, Ass
Sent: Flursday, Month Date, Year AM o'clock
To: Shot, Big
Subject: RE: Subject Line

Blatant lie confirming understanding.

---

From: Shot, Big 
Sent: Flursday, Month Date, Year AM o'clock
To: Kisser, Ass
Subject: RE: Subject Line

Note to see below for previously written words.

Big Shot
Inflated Title
Company name with clever punctuation
Tall & Impressive building, nth floor
City, State Zip
tele.phone.number

---

From: Kisser, Ass 
Sent: Flursday, Month Date, Year AM o'clock
To: Shot, Big
Subject: RE: Subject Line

Reply via electronic mail asking simple follow up question.

---

From: Shot, Big 
Sent: Flursday, Month Date, Year AM o'clock
To: Kisser, Ass
Subject: Subject Line

Vague question without adequate clarification?

Big Shot
Inflated Title
Company name with clever punctuation
Tall & Impressive building, nth floor
City, State Zip
tele.phone.number

Day 6651 / Donna Razzle

It was inevitable that this day would come but asking to borrow a camera and excuse himself to the bathroom was out of the question. There was no way he could risk blowing this. He'd reached that rare apex of liquid courage and sharp wit - the drinker's sweet spot. Clouded judgement be damned, she was most definately into him. He had to keep doing whatever he was doing. Stay the course. Still, he really needed to get his hands on a camera. Time was running out.

"Mark, I need you to let me be a mom for a minute" began the speech he'd been given just ten days prior. "You're going to do great here. I have no doubt of that. Just make sure to find a balance, OK? Have fun, but be safe." Tears now filled the bottoms of her eyelids - a dead give away for the words to follow. "And please do remember to take your picture every day. Make it part of a routine. Brush your teeth, take your picture. Make your bed, take your picture. Our family has lot invested in this little project and now it's in your hands. We trust you. We love you." A big hug ensued.

She looked down at his hand and he realized it was holding an empty cup. He needed to get another drink. Or did he? That look had to mean something. How many beers had he had? It was important to stay focused if he was to have any chance of sealing the deal here. Pay attention to her. Anticipate her needs. Think it through. Is her cup empty? Shit! It is.

"Do you want another drink?"

"Sure."

6,650 days in a row. Day 1 had been taken by his father at the hospital while he was laying on the scale. It was a close up of his face, taken carefully so that approximately 30% of the frame on the sides showed white background (15% on each side) and approximately 20% of the frame on the top/bottom showed white background (10% on each side) resulting in a near perfectly centered shot of his face. Day 6,6650 had been taken by himself, standing against the closet door of his dorm room. It was a close up of his face, taken carefully so that approximately 30% of the frame on the sides showed white background (15% on each side) and approximately 20% of the frame on the top/bottom showed white background (10% on each side) resulting in a near perfect centered shot of his face.

Waiting in line at the keg she let her hand brush against his hip. Well, it brushed against his hip, whether or not it was a conscious act initiated by her or a random touch of body parts in a crowded basement of a fraternity house was open for debate. It was good to consider that he decided. He was most definitely drunk but the fact that he still had the capacity to question and analyze possible acts of flirtation spoke to his relative soberness. He began to fill his cup. When it was half full he realized he should have filled hers first. Fuck.

Take the picture every day before dinner. It was the routine he'd followed throughout high school and he saw no reason it wouldn't serve him just as well in college. Earlier that day he'd had the camera in hand and was positioning himself against the closet door when his roommate opened the door.

"What's going on?"

"Nothing. . . What's up?"

"You taking pictures of the room or something?"

"No. . . It's a new camera. Just trying to figure out the settings and shit."

"Uh huh. Settings. Whatever. Listen, you busy right now? Want to go to a party?"

"Now? I was just going to get something to eat."

"Party starts now man. Free dinner with drinks after. Lots of girls. Just have to pretend you want to join a frat."

"I should change."

"Nah you look great. We're already late. Let's go."

He turned to offer her his cup in an attempt to make up for the momentary lapse of chivalry but she was gone. Shit. A hand on his shoulder gave him a sudden burst of hope but he turned to find his roommate and three guys from his floor smiling, holding a beer bong. Shit.

His mom had had the idea when she was 5 months pregnant - one snapshot for every day of her child's life. She discussed it with her husband and he pitched it to a publisher. They loved the idea. It would be photo representation of an entire lifetime - a flipbook of sorts to be marketed as an oversized coffee table book. The amount of the publisher's advance was unheard of - enough to get them out of debt and put a down payment on their first house - but the idea was original and sure to be a hit. The only catch was they needed to keep up with the pictures. Failure to do so would breach the contract and they'd have to return the money. A family legacy of sorts was born.

What time was it? If it wasn't midnight it was close. Neither the hands of his watch nor the illuminated digits of his cell phone offered answers. His eyes refused to interpret either as a comprehensible time. Everything blurred. He'd left the party some time ago foolishly thinking he could find a place that sold cameras next door, across the street, or right around the corner. Somewhere. He was lost now but no less determined to get his hands on a camera. A couple people passed him on the sidewalk and he tried asking them if they could take his picture but what came out of his mouth was incomprehensible gibberish. They laughed and walked into a bar. He was surely fucked now. How could he be so stupid? What would he tell his mom? Where the hell was he?

"Can somebody please take my picture?"

He saw a gathering of bushes on the next block that looked inviting. He stumbled behind them and laid down, admitting defeat. Drunken sleep overtook him just as the cell phone in his pocket began to vibrate. It was his mother. She was calling to check in. She couldn't sleep.

zeroth life lesson: it's not only good things that must come to an end, dumb things do too.