The unanswerables / Bartholomew Nustlerod

The following are questions posed by my parents on their most recent trip to NYC that I either could not, or chose not to, answer:

How many floors do you suppose that building has?

Why do the Muslims own all the news stands?

How many more stops until we get there?

What do doctors cost here?

Does that rug store sell anything besides rugs?

Is Indian food more like Mexican or Chinese?

How many more stops?

Does this subway go underground?

When will they finish ground zero?

Where does Rudy Giuliani live?

Do you have any meetings today?

Do we get off on the next stop?

Pink slip / Gail Girthy

I understand.

And is it safe to assume that today will be my last day?

But I do have until five o'clock, right?

I see. Then I suppose I'll start packing my personal effects straight away.

Is there any work related items you need me to address before I gather my things?

Very well then.

If you don't mind, I was wondering if you had a spare moment to

If there's nothing else, I'd just like to say that in my time here, I wish it to be known that I never spent an entire day sitting in my office doing absolutely nothing. And that's not to say that the opportunity never presented itself. Because it did. Time and time again. Yet when the urge struck to close my office door and pretend to be on a conference call while I shopped online for clever domain names I relented and at the very least marked messages sitting in my inbox that I had no intention of answering as 'read'.

Any office supplies I stole were used for personal use and were not resold, for the most part. I can promise you that any and all profits garnered from the stolen supplies that were resold were spent on business attire purchased for the sole purpose of conveying a greater aire of professionalism in the workplace. I rarely wore the clothes to social gatherings or while using intravenous drugs.

I'd also like to point out that I hardly ever masturbated at work. And the times I did so I took extra precautions to ensure as few coworkers noticed me as possible. I trust the volume of complaints you received were minimal and those that did complain surely noted my intended discretion, if not specifically the ball gag I utilized.

Finally I feel compelled to add that I took great steps here to secure a reputation of one who never settled for complete unproductivity. I continually strived to provide at the very least a minimal effort, day in and day out. At least on the days where I didn't have an unannounced dentist appointment, a menial errand to run, or had to stay home and attend to my sick ferret.

I bring these items to your attention because I quite enjoyed my time here and have a strong desire to keep all bridges flame free. I understand the nature of the personnel move but sincerely hope that no doors have been permanently shut. I do hope you will keep my resume on file in the event you find yourself in desperate need of someone with my particular skill set.

I don't suppose that unaccrued vacation days can be added to the severance package?

I didn't think so. On that note - until our paths cross again. Good day.

Writing during "Grey's" / Clarence Clearance

So this is all about the body parts of the skinny one?

Makeup still looks pretty good 13 hours into her shift.

Wow that Asian woman is sassy.

I think the words "burn victim" are used much more often in TV hospitals than real hospitals.

Where are the fat doctors?

Wow, that black woman is sassy.

There sure are a lot of dick jokes.

Never mind. Token fat doctor. And she's a lesbian. Two birds. One stone.

I foresee valuable lessons being learned this evening.

And he's dead, no sex for anyone for the next 4 minutes.

Cue the top 40 shit ballad.

Commercial break.

Private practice - that looks good. . . and the same.

And we're back.

That black man is sassy.

I like how they skip all the hand scrubbing and get right to the action.

Yes! Defibrillators! Finally, I was worried there for a second.

Elevator door closing effectively ends scene.

Everyone's done for the day. They are changing and looking fabulous.

Wow, that Asian woman is really sassy.

There's always time for a tender moment with a child.

And a voiceover to boot .

And here come the lessons. . .

Something about learning something and loving someone and the truth. Lame.

Fade out to some whiny acoustic number by some dude likely with a beard about to get rich.

Bean ball / Toby Tonton

OUCH!!

SON OF A BITCH!

Right on the arm.

Damn that smarts.

Was that on purpose?

Try not to look hurt.

Shake it off.

Take your base.

I can't believe that fucker hit me in the arm.

He chucks a ball at me as hard as he can and I have to walk 90 feet and stand there and talk to that old guy in the hat.

No apologies or anything.

Seems weird to me.

I mean, I was fully expecting the ball to travel at a highly dangerous speed within inches of my body while I stood here concentrating on it, attempting to determine exactly how close it would come to striking me, but I was not expecting to endure pain.

Although my coworkers should be pleased as me getting hit by a frantically propelled sphere does improve my employers chance of success by a slight margin.

So I got that going for me.

What an odd profession I've chosen.

I wonder what the guy squatting behind me wearing a mask thinks.

Well, better get a move on.

That foam rubber bag isn't going to get stood on by itself.

Don't forget to set down my big wooden wooden stick.

20 wise sayings I just made up that may or may not make sense / Wade Watoosey

"Self contempt is rarely self contained."
- Rich Zeroth - October 15th, 2009

"A great meal always trumps a copped feel."

- Rich Zeroth - October 15th, 2009

"If faced with a choice between a ladder and a shovel always choose the latter."
- Rich Zeroth - October 15th, 2009

"If you ever see a guy smoking a pipe. . . just keep an eye on that guy. He's probably sweet."

- Rich Zeroth - October 15th, 2009

"Kill a snake by chopping off the head. Annoy a horse by chopping off the tail."

- Rich Zeroth - October 15th, 2009

"Never be afraid to eat."

- Rich Zeroth - October 15th, 2009

"A man once asked me to name a job, a man, and a purpose. I told him carpenter, Charlie, for sex."

- Rich Zeroth - October 15th, 2009

"Piss off your friends. Read a book."

- Rich Zeroth - October 15th, 2009

"Next time you think you're low on time remember a nickel weighs more than a dime."

- Rich Zeroth - October 15th, 2009

"Never trust a man with an apparatus he calls a thingamajig."
- Rich Zeroth - October 15th, 2009

"The path toward the road is likely obstructed by some sort of guard rail."

- Rich Zeroth - October 15th, 2009

"There's a reason great stories all start at the beginning. It's because of the order."

- Rich Zeroth - October 15th, 2009

"Rain isn't wet if you're a fucking whack job."

- Rich Zeroth - October 15th, 2009

"I once met a man who could toss a stone all the way up to heaven. I asked him, 'What does God think about your stones popping up through His floorboards?' 'He's rarely home' he laughed."

- Rich Zeroth - October 15th, 2009

"One spice rack is probably enough. Same thing goes for wives."

- Rich Zeroth - October 15th, 2009

"If you forget a man's name a safe bet is 'Karl'."

- Rich Zeroth - October 15th, 2009

"When times get tough take comfort in the fact that Random backwards is Modnar."
- Rich Zeroth - October 15th, 2009

"A rear view mirror is only helpful when traveling forward in time. Also there is no such thing as a front view mirror so don't even think about it. And don't get me started on time travel!"
- Rich Zeroth - October 15th, 2009

"Tis better to master one single trade than to have sex with all of them."
- Rich Zeroth - October 15th, 2009

"Birds fly though the clouds."
- Rich Zeroth - October 15th, 2009

Are you a Lincoln or a Feldmar? / Hubert Homefree

There once were two men named Lincoln and Feldmar. They were the same age, grew up in the same town, and even sort of looked alike. It just so happened that they both got the very best job in town- chief apple picker. This job was so highly regarded because these weren't your everyday apples. No, these apples grew in a special gated garden that only Lincoln and Feldmar had keys to and they tasted like chocolate cake, juicy steak, and syrup covered waffles all rolled up into one. At least the good ones did. The apples that weren't quite ripe yet tasted only like chocolate cake and syrup covered waffles. The apples that had fallen to the ground sometimes only tasted like apples. The apples that had been on the ground for awhile and had worms in them sometimes tasted like poop.

You get the idea. There was a range.

Anyway, as similar as Lincoln and Feldmar were they did have one very important difference. Whenever Lincoln and Feldmar came across an apple they weren't quite sure of, Lincoln went ahead and put it in his basket but Feldmar left it where it was. So, at the end of the day, Feldmar always had himslef a nice tidy basket about half full of the apples that tasted like chocolate cake, juicy steak, and syrup covered waffles all rolled up into one. He sold them for top dollar! Folks ate 'em right up!

Lincoln, on the other hand, ended his day stretching his sore back surrounded by many baskets of apples that may very well taste like chocolate cake, juicy steak, and syrup covered waffles all rolled up into one or might taste like poop. He had more apples to sell but folks didn't like them as much seeing as they weren't as high of quality.

They both made a decent living at this for awhile but eventually moved on and got MBAs. They remain close friends.

zeroth life lesson: when constructing a parable it's best to start with a valuable life lesson and then write a story that unveils it in a poignant way rather than starting with a stupid story about apples that ultimately goes nowhere.

This is a test / Clifford Wasteland

On the afternoon of April 2, 2003 a mysterious document was found crumpled up in the trash bin in the large corner office on the east side of the unoccupied 18th floor of 1440 Broadway New York, NY. The office used to belong to Douglas Tanders, former Executive General Manager of ComaTech Industries, a now defunct infrastructure/data management firm. The document details an account of a secret infiltration of the ComaTech offices in which company issued beverages were tampered with and hidden cameras were installed to record the effects. It serves as one of the few pieces of evidence of an organization called the International Cursory Correlation Institute (ICCI).

To continue reading go to The Revolving Floor (a new website I have the privilege of contributing to). Please click on the little heart at the bottom of the piece preview to show your support.

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32 terrible birthday gifts for someone's first 32 birthdays / Chester Thoughtso

1st - Gobstoppers
2nd - Final Cut Pro
3rd - Belt
4th - Coasters
5th - Season 3 of 'The Wire'
6th - Knee brace
7th - Mayonnaise
8th - Water softener tablets
9th - Dress shoes
10th - Food dehydrator
11th - Umbrella
12th - Amethyst broach
13th - Incense
14th - One of those umbrellas baskets you see by the front door of restaurants
15th - Vacuum cleaner bags
16th - Spice rack
17th - Dead yak
18th - Bedpan
19th - Humidifier
20th - Chandelier
21st - Dehumidifier
22nd - Spandex pants
23rd - Address book
24th - Needle nose pliers
25th - Some sort of horn
26th - Railroad ties
27th - Leaf blower
28th - Balloons
29th - Stop sign
30th - Cemetery plot
31st - Numerous elastic bands of varying sizes

32nd -Butterfly net

Handling / Wilmer Wai

What you pay for when you pay for shipping and handling:

Shipping - The physical process of transporting your purchase.

Handling - Some guy picks it up, tosses it in the air about 3 feet, catches it, sets in on a table, stares at it for a while, tries to feed tries to feed it some of his lunch, laughs about it, pretends to have sex with it, buffs it up a little using his shirt collar, uses it to sratch an itch inside his shoe, insults it, takes it out ot dinner, makes a condecending remark about it in front of the waiter, makes it pick up the check, has real sex with it, doesn't offer it breakfast or a ride home the next morning, waits a full week before calling it and then inexdplicably invites it to the zoo, buys it a corn dog, tosses it in the dolphin tank, forgets about it, returns 3 weeks later to claim it out of lost and found, cleans it, teaches it jiu jitsu, names it Neil, gets a tattoo of it right above his ass crack, refuses to kiss it goodbye, refuses to kiss it goodbye, refuses to kiss it goodbye, kisses it goodbye, puts it in the box for shipping.