About me / Leonard Hatred

I was born and raised in Minnesota but have hung my hat in Brooklyn, NY since April Fools Day 2001.
There was a period of several years of my life where every couple months or so I would wake up in the morning and couldn't shake the thought that Bob Hope was going to die that day. I was certain of it. The day would pass. Nothing. Two months later it would happen again. I'd hit the alarm clock and just know that today would be the day. I'd be sure to check the evening news and again, nothing. Then Bob Hope died on July 27, 2003. I didn't have that "death of Bob" feeling on that day and haven't had it since. This probably doesn't mean anything but I figured it was worth mentioning.
I have wife (fellow midwesterner) named Sarah, a dog (boxer) named Kaizer and a daughter (caucasian) named Piper. They are all pretty great. They turn heads. I love them dearly despite the fact that I cannot make them laugh. Luckily I've been blessed with a unique gift of finding myself absolutely hilarious so it all works itself out.
I walk really fast and I most definitely eat too fast. I also have a hard time consistently spelling 'definitely', 'their', 'restaurant', and 'consistently'. Luckily I married someone who also walks very fast and eats too fast which makes for quick and efficient dinners in restaraunts (damn) within walking distance. On the flip side of that coin my wife is a soft talker and I've often been accused of being hard of hearing so when conversing I find myself often saying "What?" or "I can't hear what you're saying" which leads to endless stream of inefficient and tedious verbal exchanges that is sure to one day drive our children crazy.
My favorite food would have to be a well made bacon cheeseburger (medium rare) but I'm convinced a talented cook could do something special with a pork chop that would change my mind. I used to be a gin-and-tonic sort but over the years have come to curse the hard stuff and have switched allegiances to the world of ales and lagers.
What else.
One day when I was 12 I was shooting hoops in my driveway and I made a deal with God that if I could make a shot from the sidewalk I'd make it to the NBA. Swish. It wasn't until the buzzer sounded after my last game my senior year of high school (1 point, 4 fouls) that I realized the dream was over. As I walked off the court the song "Ironic" by Alanis Morrissette played in my head for some reason even though there was nothing ironic about it.
My loftiest achievement was installing a doggie door using nothing but a small hand say that leads to the back yard of my apartment. I've never had to take the dog outside since. If you were stop by I'd be sure to show it to you. You'd be impressed.
I faked sick most of 5th grade. I was misdiagnosed with encephalitis (inflammation of the brain) and ended up having to go to summer school lest I repeat the school year. My class dedicated the annual school play to my speedy recovery.
I work at an online publishing company which means that I could talk your ear off about things like third party discrepancies, 728x90s, flash features, on schedules indicators (OSIs), search engine optimization, super rich media, house ads, RFIs, unique users, and net effective cpms. I also have been known to do stand-up comedy and could tell you jokes about proximity to Tom Hanks, what the first astronauts probably packed,Orbitz's long confirmation numbers, and the hiker who had to cut off his own arm.
I can consistently make my sister laugh by making an extremely ugly face but I suspect that it's not so much the face itself that gets her as it is that I tell her that it's the face I make to myself in the mirror when I'm really depressed.
I enjoy watching the movie 'Titanic' with others. When that scene comes where Leo is handcuffed to that pipe after he was accused of stealing that diamond I tell those around me that "I could totally get out of that".
I tend to avoid cracks when walking on the sidewalk - so much so that I think I would rank in the top 3% or so of people in my age bracket who've lived in comparable urban environments in terms of fewest cracks stepped on; lifetime.
One day when I was riding in a car I was trying to tell someone something I had heard about Emmanuel Lewis and I said the word 'Webster'. It just so happened that at the exact same time there was a song on the radio that also used the word 'Webster'. I told everyone in the car that me and the guy on the radio just said the word 'Webster' at the same time. How fucking crazy is that? No one was that impressed. To this day no one I tell that story to find it nearly as remarkable as me and I'm perpetually bitter about it.
I enjoy writing and take great pride in updating my blog (http://richzeroth.blogspot.com/) as often as possible. I hope to one day be contacted by a wealthy madman or an off-kilter publisher looking to fork over lots of money to continue to jab at the keyboard so that I might spend my remaining days in this realm wearing an old flannel, sitting on a deck, smoking a cigarette, listening to 'Hotel Yorba' as a robot reads my mind and dictates short stories that spur some sort of half-assed revolution.
My pet peeves include Mo Rocca, people who sock me on the upper arm to get my attention, people who re-ask me if I've seen a movie after I've already said I haven't seen it ("Have you seen ET?" "No." "You haven't seen ET?"), and people who say that no two snowflakes are alike (prove it) although people rarely say that.
I'm a huge Green Bay Packer fan but have never seen a game at Lambeau Field. Tickets would be a great gift idea.
I respect a good beard, a good story, and a good laugh.