Subpar halloween costume / Tumbler

Greetings and salutations!!

Well?

What do you think?

What do you mean 'about what'? My costume, stupid.

No.

C'mon, guess again.

No.

Check out my pants.

Well?
Seriously you don't know who I am?

Look at this shirt.
Who wears a shirt like this?
No.
Try again.
Trent Decker? When have you seen Trent ever wear a shirt like this?

And these shoes?
C'mon these shoes should be a give away.

Greetings and salutations!!

. . . . . . . . .

Greetings and salutations!!

Greetings and salutations!! Who always says that?

No.

No. She always says, "Hope this morning finds you well."

Who?

I don't even know who that is.

Yes, of course he works here. Guess again.

Yes!

Yes, Mark Reynolds! There you go! You finally go it!

I'm surprised it took you so long.

You know how he's always saying, "Greetings and salutations!"

Well, he does. He says it all the time.

And he always wears pants like this.

With the pleats and the crease.

And shirts always tucked in with a collar.

Like this one.

Do you even know who Mark Reynolds is?

Well I've worked with him for 6 years too and I'm telling you he dresses just like this.

Wait here comes Gwen let's ask her.

Hey Gwen. Greetings and salutations!!

Well?

Take a look at me. At what I'm wearing. Head to toe. Soak it in. Got it? Ok listen.

Greetings and salutations!! . . .

Who am I? . . .

Greetings

And

Salutations

Who am I?

. . . . . . . . . . . .

Fuck you guys.

When the mind goes blank / Gourd

[Actual phone conversation I had yesterday]

Customer service guy: Could you please verify your email address?

Me: Sure. It's rkzeroth@hotmail.com

Customer service guy: So that's 'R' as in romeo, 'K' as in kite, 'Z' as in zebra, 'E' as in elephant, 'R' as in romeo, 'O' as in oscar, 'P' as in peter, 'H' as in henry at hotmail dot com?

Me: No. There's no 'P'. It's a 'T'.

Customer service guy: I'm sorry, did you say 'D' as is dog?

Me: No. My email address is 'R' as in romeo, 'K' as in kite, 'Z' as in zebra, 'E' as in elephant, 'R' as in romeo, 'O' as in oscar, 'T' as in . . . [mind racing] . . . . tiramisu, 'H' as in henry at hotmail dot com.

[long pause]

Customer service guy: Dearamitzoo?

Me: Tiramisu. It's a popular Italian dessert.

Customer service guy: An what letter does is start with?

Me: It starts with a 'T'.

Customer service guy: 'T' as in tiger?

Me: Yes. . . 'T' as in tiger.

Customer service guy: Thank you. Is there anything else I can help you out with today?

Me: That should do it. Thank you.

Customer service guy: Thank you Mr. Zeroth. Have a nice day.

Me: You too. Goodbye.

Customer service guy: Goodbye sir.

How to: properly flip a coin / Celophane

Ding Dong

[You open the front door]

"Hi, I'm Chris Mullin, former Golden State Warrior and 54th all-time leading scorer in NBA history. I'm going door to door today explaining to people the proper way to flip a coin.

Now I know what you're thinking. Who doesn't know how to flip a coin? Heads or tails. Call it in the air. Couldn't be more simple. Get the off my doorstep you bonehead.

But what if I were to tell you that you were doing it all wrong? That every decision you've ever made with the aid of a coin flip was tainted? That the course your life has taken thus far is quite possibly askew due to your shoddy coin flipping protocol. That my shoes are two sizes too small. What if I were to tell you that?

OK, let's say you can't decide whether or not to rent the movie 'King Ralph' or 'Regarding Henry' and want to settle the matter with the flip of a coin. If you are like most folks you'd simply assign 'King Ralph' as heads and 'Regarding Henry' as tails, flip the coin and let fate decide your entertainment for the evening.

But how are you letting fate decide if you are the one determining whether 'Doc Hollywood' is heads, or 'Regarding Henry' is tails, or 'King Ralph' is tails, or if 'Regarding Henry' is heads? You're not God are you?

A good way to make these types of decisions is by flipping a coin. Let fate determine whether 'King Ralph' or 'Regarding Henry' is heads in the coin flip that will determine which movie you will watch that night. That way your movie selection will not be influenced by your choice of assigning 'Regarding Henry' heads, or 'King Ralph' tails, or 'King Ralph' heads, or 'Regarding Henry' tails.

Do you understand what I am trying to explain to you?

Are you as excited as I am?

May I come inside your house?

Fair enough. Now where was I?

Yes. Unfortunately the tangled web that is the fair coin flip weaves on. You see when you flip the coin to determine which movie will be heads and which movie will be tails when you flip the coin to determine which movie you will be watching you need to find a fair way to determine whether you'll be flipping the coin to determine which movie will be heads or which movie will be tails. For this I suggest the simple act of flipping a coin.

If you flip the coin and it comes up heads then that means the following flip will determine which movie will be tails when you flip the coin to determine whether you'll be watching 'King Ralph' or 'Regarding Henry'. If you flip the coin and it comes up tails then that means the following flip will determine which movie will be heads when you flip the coin to determine whether you'll be watching 'Regarding Henry' or 'King Ralph'.

Now I know what's going through your head. Something along the lines of, "All right Chris Mullin, I was with you there for a while but now after all that preaching about how it's not fair to personally assign heads or tails to choices you plan on flipping for, you're going to tell me that it's OK to say that if you a toss a coin and it comes up heads then that means the subsequent flip will determine which movie will be tails when you flip the coin to determine whether you'll be watching 'King Ralph' or 'Regarding Henry'? That, my friend, reeks of hypocrisy."

Am I right? Is that what you're thinking?

Aha! I thought so. Well you know what Mr. Whatsyourname? I'd like to see you come up with something better. You think it's easy trying to explain the intricacies of the inherent unconscious biases in coin tossing to unsuspecting boneheads who've been interrupted from their morning english muffins by the ringing doorbell?

Do you think that's easy?

Can I use your bathroom?

Fine. Well the next time you find yourself needing to decide between 'King Ralph' and 'Regarding Henry' good fucking luck.

Sorry for swearing there.
Enjoy your morning.

Rules while jogging around Prospect Park / Mamba

1. Even though Google maps says it's 3.4 miles around the park I call it an even 4.
2. I'm allowed to spit once per mile.
3. I'm allowed to yell "C'mon!" to myself once per mile.
4. If I make it all the way around the park without walking that's +1 point for me.
5. If I make it all the way around the park without walking and without spitting that's +2 points for me.
6. If I make it all the way around the park without walking and without spitting and without yelling "C'mon!" that's +3 points for me.
7. If I have stop at the top of the big hill at the end and walk the final 1/8 of a mile that still counts as a full jog around the park.
8. If you pass me while we're both jogging but later I pass you when going up the final hill that's +2 points for me and -2 points for you.
9. If you pass me then later you start walking and I pass you that's +1 point for me.
10. If I pass you I'm allowed an extra spit.
11. If I pass you, then get to tired and have to walk, then you pass me, that doesn't count for any points because as far as you know I'd already jogged all the way around the park like 3 times.
12. If I make it all the way around the park but have to walk up the last big hill it's still +1 point as long as the number of people I passed while I was jogging surpasses the number of people who pass me while walking up the hill by at least 3.
13. If you pass me and you're a girl that's -1 point for me.
14. If you pass me and you're pushing a baby stroller that's -2 points for me,
15. If you pass me and you're a man wearing spandex shorts that's -3 points for me.
16. If you pass me and you're a fat girl that's -4 points for me.
17. If I pass you and you're wearing one of those belts that have the mini water bottles that's -10 points for you.
18. If I pass you and finish jogging around the park and then when I'm walking back to my place you jog past me right outside my apartment then you're just a dick.
19. If you look like you're hot as I jog up behind you but as I pass you and nonchalantly check you out from the front I realize you're ugly that's -1 point for me and -2 points for you.
20. If we tie I win.

Stupid hat, wind / Gasket

Jesus.

Gusty day today.

Whoopsie.

There goes my hat.

Boy I bet that sure looked stupid.

Wonder if anyone noticed.

Luckily it didn't blow away too far.

Sitting on the sidewalk just behind me.

I think I'll just nonchalantly bend down to pick it back up.

It is a brand new hat, after all.

No one appears to be looking, so. . .

Whoopsie.

Damn wind just blew it another couple feet down the sidewalk as I reached for it.

Boy I bet that sure looked stupid.

Wonder if anyone noticed.

Shit, that woman across the street is totally staring at me.

Now what?

Maybe I should just forget it and walk away.

I can afford another hat, at least that's what I want that woman to think.

What's another hat? I got closets full of 'em.

I bet my hair looks stupid.

Totally sticking up in the back.

I can feel the wind whipping it to and fro.

She's still staring.

She's either staring at my stupid hair or wondering if I'm going to make another lame attempt at picking up the hat.

No wait, she's probably wondering why I don't just pick it up.

Just snatch that cap and pull it tight around my head.

Claim what's mine.

Like a man.

It's only like 5 feet away.

Only a pussy would walk away from their own hat when it's so close.

Then again, if I reach down to pick it up and the wind blows it further away before I grab it I might as well just drop my pants, make myself trip, and call it a day.

Why'd I even buy that stupid hat?

Fuckin' newsboy cap. Doesn't even look good on me.

What am I trying to prove?

Hey, look at me, I'm wearing a fucking newsboy cap. I'm with it. I'm looking for attention. I'm trying to get laid.

Might as well be wearing some glow-in-the-dark Kanye sunglasses.

OK. Just standing here like a jackass isn't looking too keen either.

Quick decision.

I'm going to walk away.

Yes.

I'm going to walk away, put my hands in my pockets, and try to look cool.

Like I don't give a shit.

Here I go.

- - - - - -

Shit. She's saying something.

Ignore it.

She's probably talking to someone else.

- - - - - -

Nope. That's definitely directed towards me.

"What?"

"Oh"

"Yes. That is my hat."

"Thanks!"

Well that idea backfired.

Pick up the fucking hat and go home.

Run.