Rod’s long night / Gravy

. . . It’s not that difficult. Pick up the phone and call somebody back. It’s a matter of common courtesy. I’d go so far as to say that calling people back is one of the primary purposes behind the invention of the telephone. I mean you’re either receiving calls, making calls, or calling people back. Am I wrong? What kind of a person would whole-heartedly refuse to partake in the whole calling people back aspect? Why even own a telephone if you’re not going to use it to call people back? At the very least you should reach out to your wireless provider and see if you qualify for a lower monthly rate or something considering you never return calls. Save some money at least.
You’re aware I don’t own a car. That little nugget of info has been discussed between us several times - as was my need of a ride to the party tonight. Given my knowledge of your phone number, and your knowledge of how to operate a phone combined with your knowledge of my car situation and need for a ride, I’m having difficulty coming to any sort of conclusion by reason or logic of what the fuck is going on here. It’s not that your phone is out off juice because each time I call it rings before going to voicemail and from what I’ve been told if your phone really was out of batteries, or turned off, or broken, my repeated calls would go straight to voicemail. So I’m left to deduce that you are simply that stupid. You cannot remember how to operate a telephone. Well here’s a tip brainiac: It’s not that difficult. Just pick up the phone and call somebody back. It’s a manner of common courtesy. . .

Nifty tattoo gag / Cummerbunds

I've always wanted to get a tattoo on my forearm of an old man wearing a red stocking cap carrying a bad of groceries - and right underneath that, the word "DAD" in big letters. Then, from that day forward, I'd always keep my eyes peeled for an old man wearing a red stocking cap carrying a bad of groceries. Then, if I ever saw one, I would walk towards him and sort of accidentally run into him so we would both fall to the ground and his groceries would spill all over the sidewalk. I would be very apologetic and help him gather his things, being careful not to make eye contact. Then, after I had helped him repack his bag, I'd help him to his feet, notice his red stocking cap, pull up my sleeve, show him my tattoo and say, "Mom always said you never watched where you were walking."

Thinkvoice vs. Longwind / Flume

Saul Thinkvoice walks into the elevator. “Walking into elevator”, he declares. A minute later he’s walking down the hallway to his office. “Gonna turn on my computer and check my email in a minute or so”, he states to no one in particular. Sitting at his desk Saul yells, “turning on computer!”

Meanwhile Minnie Longwind is in the breakroom getting some coffee with Berl Peterson. “It is hard for me, Minniford Longwind, to believe that today, February 5th 2008, is only Wednesday of this week Berl Peterson.”
“I hear that.” Berl replies.
“My main reason for this thought stems from how unexpectedly busy with work both Monday of this week and Tuesday of this week were. The situation is almost as if my mind thinks both days should have counted for two days each instead of the single one day. The conclusion being that today, Wednesday, February 5th 2008 of this week, feels to me more like Friday of this week Berl Peterson.”

Berl has long since left the breakroom.

Minnie Longwind’s office is right next to Saul’s. To say that they get one each other’s nerves would be putting it lightly. Saul sees Minnie coming down the hall with her coffee.

“Hope that crazy jabbering bitch leaves me alone today.”

Minnie overhears it and feels it’s time for another chat.

“Mr. Saul Thinkvoice I still do not understand in my head of my body why it is that you remain adamant in your stance of verbalizing the vast majority of your brain thoughts out loud so that everyone in the general vicinity of the area can hear the thoughts whether the thoughts were intended for those people in the area to hear or not.”

“Looney broad’s using more words than necessary again and it’s obnoxious.”

“That sentence of words you spoke with your mouth right there this moment serves as a prime example of the very observation I am attempting to convey to you, Mr. Saul Thinkvoice.”

“Going to pretend I’m off to a meeting that I’m already late for so I don’t have to speak to this blathering nut job,” Saul says as he gets up from his chair.

“I also should also not fail to mention at this time that immediately after I complete this conversation with you, Mr. Saul Thinkvoice, I, Minniford Longwind, Minnie for short, will march using my feet down this hallway of floor, down another hallway of floor, over in the direction of this company’s director of Human Resources, Mr. Berl Peterson, and have a conversation with him in which the primary topic of conversation will be you, Mr. Saul Thinkvoice. I will explain to him using my mouth and voice how you continue to call me different names of a negative nature in my presence even though you’ve been warned on several different occasions that this type of negative name calling behavior should not continue to continue.”

Saul has long since left for his fake meeting.

Minnie’s coffee is cold.

Go wildcats! / Buoy

I asked you boys a few seconds ago if you were scared. And while none of you responded in the form of a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ I could tell from the look in your eyes what the answer was and that’s OK cuz they’re scared too. Not only are they scared, but they’re kneeling in a locker room right now about 50 feet from here listening to their coach tell them how scared we are. My point being that they are just like us, except for one glaring difference. Potential gentlemen. . . Potential. And the driving force behind potential is the ability to be ordinary. And the only thing ordinary about tonight is what we need to leave on the field. Which is nothing. We need to leave nothing on the field tonight. Which is to say that nothing about tonight is ordinary – to clarify what I was saying before. If we go out there scared, filled with the potential to leave nothing on the field then we will succeed. Scared in a good way that is. And play well.

Privileged peepers / Narwhal

I’ve seen grizzly bears scale buildings in pursuit of man.
I’ve seen Phil Shikenjanski’s revised five-year plan.
I’ve seen fields of rutabaga ablaze for miles.
I’ve seen Karl Rundgren neglect to backup his files.
I’ve seen children frolic in the midnight air.
I’ve seen Linda Brusco demand an ergonomic chair.
I've seen the mark of the uprising tattooed onto soldiers.
I've seen Cal Higgins deny Starbucks is better than Folgers.
I've seen shields built of cardboard and and spears made of plaster.
I've seen Lynn Warbuckle skip lunch each time her boss asks her.
I've seen disease ridden towns and festering seas.
I've seen Stanley Lamparski double-book conference room B.
I’ve seen the visions of mystics and dreams of the damned.
I’ve seen Randall McPherson seal a deal for 12 grand.