Plight of the angler fish / Melvin Karnage

What a gyp.

Talk about your shitty lot in life. I'm a goaddamned angler fish. You ever seen one of those? Big 'ole toothy pie hole with a fucking appendage shooting out of my forehead like a goddamned freak flag pole. If that's not bad enough the good Lord saw it fit to attach a grotesque little luminous nub at the end to help me find disgusting shit to eat. It just hangs there, glowing, like some godforsaken christmas dingle berry. Always there just at the top of my line of site, lighting the way through my pathetic path.

The one thing that might help keep my mind off things would be some like-minded friends. Misery loves company as they say. Someone to swap sad stories with and such. You think I'd be so lucky? Not in your life mister. You know how many other fish I've seen in my life? Four. My mother, a gulper eel, and two blob fish. Five if you include the sea sponge. I usually don't. Not exactly a stellar line up.

Add to that the fact that I've never seen this sky you speak of. Oh sure I could swim on up and take a gander but my internal organs are a gelatinous mass with a density less than water such that the dramatic change of pressure would cause my body to swell and explode long before I ever made it to the surface. So I got that going for me.

I often imagine that I lost out on some living creature lottery of the grandest scale. That God had this long lost of of all the beings and one day decided what kind of animal each would be. When He picked Bob Kranz He said "Salamander" and just like that Bob was a salamander. Not bad Bob. Salamanders are some pretty slick creatures. When He picked Sally Martin He said "Flamingo" and just like that Sally was a flamingo. Kudos Sally, you could do a lot worse. When He came to your name he said "Human" and here you are today.

Lucky motherfucker.

You hit the jack pot and didn't even know it, did you? So go ahead and bitch about your cell phone bills, your rainy weekends, and your conference calls. I'll be down here in the dark, waiting for some sort of worm thing to try to nibble on my phosphorescent forehead.

Good times.