Monk book regret / Hum Neeber

You should have bought the weird book from that monk guy. What the fuck were you thinking?

Shit.

It's too late now. You said "sorry" and "no thanks" and walked onto the subway leaving the monk guy standing on the platform, smiling.

He didn't seem crazy or anything. And he seemed to really want you to have his book. It all happened so fast it's hard to remember exactly what he said - something along the lines of "you look like a kind person" or "I couldn't help but notice you were an interesting individual". Whatever it was it didn't sound like the typical bullshit you hear from the guy begging for change outside the deli or the guy trying to sell his hip hop cd's. Actually that's not entirely true. The words themselves were the same bullshit but this time, with this guy, it somehow seemed sincere. Then he said his name was Ben or Bret or Andy or something and he was a monk. Then the train started coming. That's what fucked it all up - that fucking train. You looked at the train and he saw you look at the train so then he looked at the train and he knew he had to hurry. He pulls out this book and opens it to a page with a picture of a bunch of people standing in a row holding what looked to be a string of lights. The monk said "we started out here" and pointed to a person standing on the far end of the row. Then he pointed to the other end of the row and said "now we're here". The folks holding the lights might have been naked. You're not sure, you just nodded your head. By then train had arrived and the doors were opening. The monk had run out of time and could explain no more. He offered to give you the book and only asked for a small donation in return. You politely refused.

And now you're here.

And there he goes.

Fuck!

This guy, this book, could have changed everything. I mean it probably wouldn't have but what did you have to lose? All he wanted was a donation to cover the printing costs. That seemed reasonable. I mean this wasn't just a pamphlet or anything. This was a legitimate hard cover book with glossy color pictures. It could have been yours for $5. Fuck that, it could've been yours for $2. He definitely would have sold it for $2. Monks don't haggle. Christ, if you weren't so quick to dismiss him he might have given it to you for free. But no, you let your inherent misgivings of strangers yield the controls once again and you left the monk, his book, and his teachings standing there on the platform. Nice. And here you on your way back to your same old life coming from your tired old job.

Fate brought the monk to you. If you had waited for the next train the monk would've explained that to you. He would've answered your questions about God. You would've said, "Of course!" and "Exactly!" and "It all makes sense now!" Real change could have happened.

But you couldn't give a stranger $2. You couldn't wait for the next train and be a little late for dinner.

You should go back.

He's probably still there - looking for other kind people. That's it. You should totally go back!! . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Fuck it. That would take forever.

2009: The year in names / Lester Garb

Oliver Chantel

Belinda Willows

Javier Bonbardo

Donald Sowald

Fran Klingerhaul

Doug Lamp

Lynette Peters

Jonathan Candy

Cornelius Happenstance

Perry Linkletter

Desiree Dipshire

Timothy Whereabouts

Solomon Lindel

Gloria Titlecock

Roscoe Q. Highball

Theodore Danson

Darlene Botch

Candace Birdsnatch

Gil Ball

Alvin Riddle

Ralph Rallory

Phyllis Math

Leonard Hatred

Reynold Lispensey

Mildred Rampage

Gilbert {pronounced: jhel-BEAR} Gilbert

Bonnelyn Blair

Herman Whole

Gordon Ringlet

Patty Chelm

Hershel Justice

Piper Jane

Lloyd Nittles

Seymour Orless

Donna Razzle

Merlin Olsen

Herbert Airball

Loretta Showers

Winifred Swish

Ernest Burgle

Bernard Pamphlette

Horace LaFruit

Rhonda Phoof

Martin Multiflavors

Verna Thingy

Marcel Marbles

Stanley Sofar

Norman Gentle

Sigmund Lindelinhell

Wanda Swipes

Clint Scrott

Tamara Creamera

Maximilian Deadpan

Ivan Ernererer

Arlene Humdinger

Wilma Skinflap

Rueben Flart

Bernadette Peters

Albert Intellehinto

Marsha Bang

Biff Margins

Charlene Feelings

Melvin Karnage

Truman Lifeblood

Corey Bedlam

Gertrude Nebula

Sherman Billiams

Betty Glory

Craig Slist

Wendell Bubbler

Milo Something

Enid Aura

Curtis Strange

Rudy Schlep

Florence Flapper

Tabitha Gorge

Clyde Tuggs

Wilmer Wai

Chester Thoughtso

Clifford Wasteland

Hubert Homefree

Wade Watoosey

Toby Tonton

Clarence Clearance

Gail Girthy

Bartholomew Nustlerod

Harold Ramis

Monty Hoosegow

Daphne Fairplay

Delores Shambles

Trisha Twistdemon

Meredith Baxter Birney

Dean Manzeen

Judith Worbler

Vern Carnal

Thad Macintube

Laverne Stout

Hal Hetchemburgersonwaldersheim

Gwen Pathogen

Arvid Tonedeaf Effervesence

Ray Stats

Meryl Streep

Lester Garb

Pullover / Meryl Streep

-Hello officer.

>Liscense and registration please.

-Of course. It's right here in the glove compartment. . . is there a problem?

>You were swerving between two lanes a few blocks back.

-Sorry about that. Must have accidentally jerked the steering wheel a bit while I was adjusting the radio station.

>Uh huh. Have you had anything to drink?

-No sir.

>Nothing?

-Nothing, I swear.

>You mean to tell me that you've never consumed any sort of alchoholic beverage whatsoever?

-What? No. I mean, of course I have.

>What's that supposed to mean?

-Nothing. I guess I just mean that I haven't had anything to drink today.

>But prior to today you have.

-Yes.

>I suppose you think that's a good idea.

-What is?

>Drinking.

-No, just telling you the truth. I want to be cooperative.

>Yeah, I bet you get real wasted.

-Excuse me?

>Chuggin' down the booze like it's nobody's business. You think that's funny?

-No.

>So why do you do it?

-I don't. I don't know what you're talking about.

>You saying I don't make any sense?

-Of course not. It's just that. . . that-

>You want to be cooperative.

-Yes!

>So that I'll let you go on your merry way.

-Yes!!

>So you can get home and start drinking as fast and as much as possible.

-No!! Look have I broken a law or anything?

>I'd say public intoxication is breaking the law.

-But I'm not intoxicated.

>But you admit you have been.

-This is insane!!

>Is it? Open your trunk.

-Fine. There you go.

>Wait here.

[20 seconds later]

-Is everything OK?

>That's some trunk you got there.

-If you say so.

>Noticed that it's completely empty.

-Yes. . . it is.

>Got anything to say for yourself?

-About an empty trunk? No.

>Figures. Suppose you'll want to wait for your lawyer. It's your right.

-Why would I need a lawyer?

>Let's just say a guy could fit an awful lot of booze in that trunk.

-This is insane!

>I suggest you watch your tone, sir. Sounds to me like a man just itching to get himself a swig of the hard stuff.

-Look. Are you going to write me a ticket or let me go?

>Get out of the car.

-May I ask why that is necessary?

>There's a bar across the street. You buy me a beer and I'll forget this whole episode ever happened.

-What episode? What have I done?

>The whole 'getting wasted all the time', stashing beer and drugs in your trunk, and being a lousy father and husband. Water under the bridge if you buy me a shot across the street there.

-Wait a minute. Are you even a cop?

>If I wasn't, I might as well be!

[officer fires gun into the air 3 times]

>Ha ha ha ha!!

[driver spits out mouthful of beer]

-Good one!!

Exit attire / Ray Stats

It's 2:00 in the morning. You wake up to find your bedroom engulfed in flames. What do you do?

It's 1:30 in the morning. You wake up to the sound of a burglar crashing through your living room window with a tire iron. What do you do?

It's 4:00 in the morning. You're awakened by a phone call from your best friend saying that he's standing outside bleeding to death from multiple stab wounds. What do you do?

It's 3:17 in the morning. Your significant other shakes you awake and points out that outside it's raining gold coins. What do you do?

What do you do?

The correct answer to all of these questions, of course, is get outside as fast as possible.

But what are you wearing? Boxers? T-shirt and panties? Will Smith pj's? Nothing at all? Either way you're not dressed appropriately. You look like a fat idiot.

Now there's no need to talk to the fire department or take your friend to the hospital dressed in your skivvies. Now there's no need to waste precious seconds pulling on pants as the burglar walks towards you with the tire iron or as your neighbors collect the falling bounty of the treasure plane that exploded high above.

Ladies and Gentlemen allow me to introduce you to Exit Attire^TM!

Exit Attire^TM is a sophisticated yet simple clothing system that's stored conveniently and discreetly in any door or above any entry way. Exit Attire^TM is a technologically advanced film designed to cover your hideous body akin to saran wrap. Constructed of a patented fire and ice retardant polymer it's intricately patterned with a variety of looks so that, when applied to a modestly clad body, it creates the illusion of a fully and well dressed individual.

Here's how it works.

In a manner of seconds you can pull the Exit Attire^TM clothing system from the side of a closet door or from the top of a entry way. Not unlike unrolling a movie projector or a roll of wrapping paper. Once unveiled simply walk or run through the unrolled polymer film and you are as good as dressed!

Now you can run away from that burglar "dressed" in style.

Now you can be the envy of your best friend as you call him an ambulance looking at dapper as you did at that fancy dinner party.

Now you don't have to look like an asshole standing on the sidewalk in your underpants as your house burns down to the ground.

Available in multiple styles:

The Weekender

First Communion

Hipster

Big Interview

The Sweatshirt & Shorts Look

Back from the Gym

Red Carpet

Dracula

Exit Attire^TM! For when you need to look good in a pinch when you don't look good in your underpants.

[now available with breathing and excretion holes]

Hostage swap / Arvid Tonedeaf Effervesence

HOSTAGE TAKER: Where's my fucking helicopter?!?!

NEGOTIATOR: We're working on the helicopter, Dave. We're tracking one down as I speak. But listen man, if I'm going to bring you a helicopter I need you to do something for me. I need you to let the kid go.

HT: No way. The only way I let the kid go is if I can trade him for another hostage.

N: You can trade him in for me.

HT: No cops. No negotiators. Another civilian.

N: Whatever you say. We have someone here. You send the boy out and we'll send the replacement hostage in.

HT: OK. Here comes the boy.

N: And here comes the pregnant lady.

HT: What?

N: Huh?

HT: Hey wait a minute. This chick's in labor man! I can't have a hostage that's in labor. That's like rule #1 of hostage taking.

N: Then why don't you let the nice woman go.

HT: Not unless I can trade her in for someone else.

N: How about you trade her in for me.

HT: Not a chance. I want another regular person. Someone docile and and not with child.

N: Have it your way, Dave. We have another volunteer here. Send the pregnant woman out and we'll trade.

HT: Here she comes. Don't shoot.

N: And here comes her replacement.

HT: OK good. This guy looks legit.

[a few minutes later]

HT: Hey this guy you just sent me has to go to the bathroom every five minutes. He's got some sort of condition or something.

N: What's the problem?

HT: If I let him use the bathroom then I gotta let everyone use the bathroom and then I got people shutting doors and doing god knows what with hidden cell phones and secret corridors and soon enough I'll have SWAT coming through the floorboards. No way. Not on my watch. If there's one thing any decent hostage taker knows is to avoid pregnant women and people with diarrhea. I'm sending this jerk-off back. Who else you got?

N: What about me?

HT: Not you, asshole. We've been over this.

N: Alright let's so who we got left over here. . . You can choose between the off-duty cop with nothing to lose, MacGuyver, a girl with pink eye, some guy who thinks he's a hero, Bonnie the human torch, or me.

HT: What? I'll be honest with you those all sound like terrible options. Don't you have any spineless, uncoordinated, relatively timid and/or stupid people over there?

N: What about Ann Coulter?

HT: Whoa. Not a chance. I guess I'll take you then.

N: Hot Damn!! What a deal!

And so the final hostage trade of the day was concluded in what became widely regarded in both hostage taking & negotiating circles as the prototype case of hostage negotiation, one that would be cited for years to come as what you might want to do. You'll be happy to hear that Dave eventually got his helicopter & only slaughtered four hostages in the process. Tim, the negotiator, would go on to receive the jade medal of mediation in a sparsely attended, yet charming little ceremony and eventually retire one of the tallest negotiators of his generation. He and Dave remain close friends to this day.