Excerpt from the Sistinass Sessions: Handy chop 3000 / Cecil C. Spenders

[we join professional pitchman Cecil C. Spenders in the midst of a fervent one for the unique attributes of the handy chop 3000]

. . . and the best thing is ladies and gentlemen, it doesn’t matter how many times you use the handy chop 3000, how many times you wash it or take it with you on family trips or lend it to a friend in need it will always weigh exactly the same. We can guarantee absolutely no surprises in the weight department.

Here I have a brand new handy chop 3000 I put together just a few moments ago using the step by step color illustrated instructions included free of charge. My lovely assistant Flo here has one she’s owned for quite some time. Flo can you please hand me yours? It looks great by the way. Ever give you any problems? Well of course it’s bound to lose some if its chopping ability. But has the weight ever fluctuated on you? Of course not. But of course, folks, I can’t expect you to take our word for it so let us immerse the proof into that bubbling cauldron of pudding as they say.

Now I’m holding the brand new handy chop here in my right hand and the one Flo has owned for. . How long Flo? 5 months! How about that! I’m holding the one Flo has owned for over 5 months in my left hand and you know what? I can’t tell the difference. They weigh exactly the same. Flo why don’t you give it a try. There you go. Get a feel for it. That’s right. What’s that you say? Well of course they weight the same. Isn’t that amazing!

You can see here that Flo’s handy chop has some wear and tear around the corners and the like. Looks like a number of the blades are bent and the casing is cracked in several places. The colors aren’t as bright and vibrant. Granted, it may not work as well as it did on that first day but, perhaps more important, it weighs exactly the same and takes up the same amount of space in the universe!! Do you want to know why folks? Ha ha I thought that you might. It’s because the brilliant folks at HandyTech Unlimited have devised and patented a revolutionary process they call the law of conservation of mass. No other chopping mechanism on the market today has it. At least not that I'm aware of. It means that the properties of the handy chopper 3000 that cause it to have a weight and gravitational field will remain constant over time. It cannot be changed as a result of any, and I mean any, processes. Now that may sound like a lot of scientific mumbo jumbo so I’ll put it in terms of the layman.

You may be able to smash the handy chop 3000 into several pieces using a hammer or blunt object of some sort. You may be able to melt it or set in on fire using a blowtorch or with the assistance of some sort of flammable liquid or gel. I’m here to tell you that all this will do is rearrange the handy chop 3000 into different types of particles or convert it into alternate forms of energy. At the end of the day these particles or pieces can be regathered, the ashes or fumes can be harnessed into a containment unit of some sort and you will see that, scientifically speaking, the handy chop 3000 categorically cannot be destroyed. The mass of the reactants must equal the mass of the products, folks. I’ll say that again. The mass of the reactants must equal the mass of the products. We have HandyTech Unlimited to thank for that and we can all reap its rewards by buying the handy chop 3000 today!

We’re opening the lines now.

We’re ready to take your orders.