Allographs / Vivian Moomph

It don't understand why people covet autographs. I get the whole idea of wanting some sort of keepsake, something tangible that you can keep in the shoe box under your bed or use as proof that the encounter took place, but why ask Tom Hanks to write his own name on a piece of paper? It's the photographic equivalent of asking him to take a picture of himself and then give you the photograph. Seems stupid to me.

I think it would make more sense to ask Tom Hanks to sign your name. That's more of a one-of-a-kind memento. Ideally he'd want to do it right too, so he'd ask you how you handled your capital 'S's, your lowercase 'f's, or how emphatically you crossed your 't's. True artists would want to do it right.

If you were lucky enough to amass a collection you could create a scrapbook of sorts to show off to your friends.

"I don't get it. It looks like your name signed a bunch of times. Most are spelled incorrectly too."

"Yeah but I didn't sign any of these. That one is Jean-Claude Van Damme and this one is Snoop Dogg."

"OK but how do I know that's true? Anybody could have signed these?"

"Check out the pictures."

"But they are all pictures of you."

"Yeah but I didn't take them. Van Damme and Snoop did."

Excerpt from the Sistinass Sessions: Handy chop 3000 / Cecil C. Spenders

[we join professional pitchman Cecil C. Spenders in the midst of a fervent one for the unique attributes of the handy chop 3000]

. . . and the best thing is ladies and gentlemen, it doesn’t matter how many times you use the handy chop 3000, how many times you wash it or take it with you on family trips or lend it to a friend in need it will always weigh exactly the same. We can guarantee absolutely no surprises in the weight department.

Here I have a brand new handy chop 3000 I put together just a few moments ago using the step by step color illustrated instructions included free of charge. My lovely assistant Flo here has one she’s owned for quite some time. Flo can you please hand me yours? It looks great by the way. Ever give you any problems? Well of course it’s bound to lose some if its chopping ability. But has the weight ever fluctuated on you? Of course not. But of course, folks, I can’t expect you to take our word for it so let us immerse the proof into that bubbling cauldron of pudding as they say.

Now I’m holding the brand new handy chop here in my right hand and the one Flo has owned for. . How long Flo? 5 months! How about that! I’m holding the one Flo has owned for over 5 months in my left hand and you know what? I can’t tell the difference. They weigh exactly the same. Flo why don’t you give it a try. There you go. Get a feel for it. That’s right. What’s that you say? Well of course they weight the same. Isn’t that amazing!

You can see here that Flo’s handy chop has some wear and tear around the corners and the like. Looks like a number of the blades are bent and the casing is cracked in several places. The colors aren’t as bright and vibrant. Granted, it may not work as well as it did on that first day but, perhaps more important, it weighs exactly the same and takes up the same amount of space in the universe!! Do you want to know why folks? Ha ha I thought that you might. It’s because the brilliant folks at HandyTech Unlimited have devised and patented a revolutionary process they call the law of conservation of mass. No other chopping mechanism on the market today has it. At least not that I'm aware of. It means that the properties of the handy chopper 3000 that cause it to have a weight and gravitational field will remain constant over time. It cannot be changed as a result of any, and I mean any, processes. Now that may sound like a lot of scientific mumbo jumbo so I’ll put it in terms of the layman.

You may be able to smash the handy chop 3000 into several pieces using a hammer or blunt object of some sort. You may be able to melt it or set in on fire using a blowtorch or with the assistance of some sort of flammable liquid or gel. I’m here to tell you that all this will do is rearrange the handy chop 3000 into different types of particles or convert it into alternate forms of energy. At the end of the day these particles or pieces can be regathered, the ashes or fumes can be harnessed into a containment unit of some sort and you will see that, scientifically speaking, the handy chop 3000 categorically cannot be destroyed. The mass of the reactants must equal the mass of the products, folks. I’ll say that again. The mass of the reactants must equal the mass of the products. We have HandyTech Unlimited to thank for that and we can all reap its rewards by buying the handy chop 3000 today!

We’re opening the lines now.

We’re ready to take your orders.

Excerpt from the Sistinass Sessions: Pop's thoughts on writing / Tory Toppart

So Dad, what makes good writing in your opinion?

Well to me, good writing needs to keep your interest. There are a lot of times when I read a book and, I don’t know, it seems to go into too much detail explaining things that aren’t that important. That’s one reason I like textbooks. They get right to the point. Lately I’ve been looking through my old calculus text book from college. Trying to work through some of those problems to keep my mind sharp. Man, some of that stuff gets pretty hard. I like those Suduko puzzles too. Some of those can get pretty difficult too though. Sometimes I just have to give up on them.

OK. But Sudoku puzzles really don’t qualify as literature. What other types of things do you like to read?

I like reading about war. I’m telling you what those guys went through in World War II or the Korean War or Vietnam? It was something else. Those stories really make you appreciate - I mean war is so much different nowadays. I don’t think soldiers now have to make their way through jungles with viet cong waiting in the trees. I mean those guys were completely out of their element. The Americans I mean. I used to get these Time Life books but after a while it just got too expensive and the books weren’t as good. Sometimes the best things about them were the pictures really. I don’t know how they ever got some of those photographs. They were right in the action. They were unbelievable. I think some of those pictures even won some awards.

Do you have a favorite author?

Jerry Kramer wrote a book about the 1967 Green Bay Packers called ‘Instant Replay’. That book has to be one of my favorites. It was all about the players back then and coach Lombardi. I tell you what, Vince Lombardi knew how to motivate those guys. What a coach! I don’t think they’ll ever be another coach like that. And the things those guys got away with. There were some pretty funny stories about players sneaking out of their rooms at night and going to bars and meeting up with ladies and stuff. I don’t know if Lombardi ever really found out about that but if he did I’m sure he’d give them a good talking to. Ha!

Did Jerry Kramer write any other books?

I don’t think so. He was a speaker at our high school my senior year. He was a real nice guy. He was a hell of a player too. He played right guard I think. And when he played the Packers had one of the best running games in the NFL. They had this play called the power sweep and it was almost unstoppable. I don’t know if Jerry Kramer made the NFL Hall of Fame or not but he should if you ask me. I mean, he was something else.

Thanks for your time.

Top ten ways I cheated death / Guy Effart

August 14, 2005:

Waiting for a subway at Spring Street, an A train speeds past as a complete stranger stands behind me who very easily could have pushed me onto the tracks moments before.

May 18, 2009:

Drilled a hole in the ceiling of my kitchen to hang a pot rack without first consulting the fuse box or checking for any sort of wiring that may be lurking above.

April 3, 1998:

While visiting a friend in Chicago I use his shower even though there is no non slip floor coating or mat in the tub and the nearby sick has relatively sharp edges.

December 22, 2002:

I board an aircraft that's about to travel 500 mph 30 thousand feet in the air without ever having spoken to the pilot regarding his/her training, mental state, or current sobriety.

February 8, 1978:

Tried to eat a whole grape.

July 4, 2001:

At a friend's barbecue when a bee landed on the paper plate near my left arm without me having any idea whether or not I'm one of those people that die real quick from bee stings.

October 18, 1997:

Had sex without some girl named either Andrea or Tamara or something.

August 8, 1995:

Drove a car over 50 miles per hour on a highway that allowed for traffic in both directions not knowing if any of the drivers of the the oncoming vehicles had a death wish.

November 12, 1994:

Went squirrel hunting with my Dad and uncle and was coaxed into carrying a shot gun without knowing how to properly carry it and without adequate footwear to navigate the woodsy, uneven terrain.

April 8, 2001:

Came home from work and noticed a strong gas smell coming from the kitchen but proceeded to take a nap anyway.

The grocery list / Ramona Hornblowa

Here's another video I created at xtranormal.com. The original script was a prior blog post that can be read here.