Incurred charges of the deceased / Ursula Mandress

Customer Service Representative: Thank you for calling DD billing services. How may I help you today?

Linda: I'm sorry. Who is this?

CSR: Double D billing services. The world leader in discreet charging, packaging, and shipping.

Linda: I'm calling about credit card charges I'm seeing here. Can you tell me what these are for?

CSR: Do you have the account number?

Linda: I'm sorry I don't.

CSR: The account holder's name?

Linda: David Charles.

CSR: And who am I speaking to?

Linda: This is Linda Charles, David's wife.

CSR: OK Mrs. Charles. I'm afraid I can't give you any account information over the phone. That can only be given to the account holder, David Charles.

Linda: Unfortunately that's not possible. I can provide you with any personal information of his - like credit card number, billing address, social security number. . .

CSR: I'm sorry but it's company policy that I can only provide account information to the account holder himself.

Linda: Can I please just cancel the account then?

CSR: Only David Charles can do that.

Linda: David Charles is dead. He died last month. In an attempt to move on in life I'm trying to get our family's financial affairs in order. I came across mysterious monthly charges on my late husband's credit card statements. I'm calling you to clarify what these charges are for and decide if they are warranted and worth continuing. Since you are refusing to do so I'd like to cancel the account all together seeing as I don't know what it's even for.

CSR: Please hold.

[Phil Collin's 'Sussudio' plays for 1 minute 47 seconds]

Presumed Manager of some sort: Double D Billing, the world leader in discreet billing, packaging, and shipping. How may I help you?

Linda: Hello. My husband, David Charles, has an account with you guys that's been incurring monthly charges on his credit card. I need to either be notified what these charges are for or cancel the account.

PMOSS: I see. And is Mr. Charles available to confirm this request?

Linda: No. He is dead.

[Pause]

PMOSS: My condolences. Do you know the password to the account?

Linda: I don't.

PMOSS: I'm going to ask you a series of questions that David Charles provided answers for in the event of a forgotten password.

Linda: This is absurd. Go ahead.

PMOSS: City of birth?

Linda: Charleston

PMOSS: Mother's maiden name?

Linda: Flinch

PMOSS: Jailbait or Milfs?

Linda: Excuse me?

PMOSS: Do you prefer jailbait or milfs?

Linda: I don't even know what that means.

PMOSS: It was a question for your husband. Did he prefer underage girls or sexually attractive mothers?

Linda: What are you implying?

PMOSS: It's just a question I need you to answer to gain access to the account.

Linda: Young girls I guess.

PMOSS: I'm sorry, that's incorrect. David Charles preferred Milfs.

Linda: What kind of place is this? I demand you cancel the account now! I'm sure the better business bureau would like to hear about the questions you are asking a recent widow about her husband.

PMOSS: Please hold.

[REM's 'Everybody Hurts' plays for 1 minute 18 seconds]

PMOSS: Hello Mrs. Charles. Due to the extenuating circumstances surrounding the account we're going to make an exception and allow you to cancel.

Linda: Thank you.

PMOSS: OK I'm canceling the account now. . . I see here that you've been a loyal customer for several years. We'd like to offer you a one time offer off unlimited access to all of our sites for only $7.99 per month.

Linda: And what sites are those?

PMOSS: Unlimited access to all our award winning sites such as Public Rim Jobs, Upskirt Central, Hairy Ballz, Aged to Purrfucktion, & Dorothy's Secret Penis.

Linda: Absolutely not!

PMOSS: We'll throw in the live video bathroom cam chat for free. I see that's a feature you've enjoyed in the past.

Linda: [sobbing]

PMOSS: I'll simply proceed with the cancelation then. One last thing. Your custom designed, rubber vagina / asshole combo molded from Cynthia Poke's Plaster of Paris crotch dip was returned to our shipping dock yesterday as no one signed for it at the provided shipping address, which I assume was your late husband's place of business. Seeing as he's dead and no longer employed there I just wanted to confirm that we have a valid alternate shipping address.

[Linda hangs up]