Oh hi!I'm the guy that just took his shirt off at the park. Judging by frequent glances I see you tossing in this direction I'm guessing you're not quite sure what to make of me. I understand. Take your time.
No doubt your first inclination was to dismiss me as douche bag. Most guys who take their shirts off in parks are. But the fact that I did NOT do so after first standing and stretching and slowly rotating in a self-absorbed display giving all within a fifty foot radius a eyeful whether they wanted one or not surely gives you pause. No, I remained seated on my blanket and disrobed of my top layer in as discreet of method that can be reasonably expected given the surroundings. But not too discreet either. Still confident but not over confident by any stretch of the means. I also did look genuinely hot and uncomfortable so the shirt removal can be deemed as justifiable. Hmm. What to make of me.
No doubt your first inclination was to dismiss me as douche bag. Most guys who take their shirts off in parks are. But the fact that I did NOT do so after first standing and stretching and slowly rotating in a self-absorbed display giving all within a fifty foot radius a eyeful whether they wanted one or not surely gives you pause. No, I remained seated on my blanket and disrobed of my top layer in as discreet of method that can be reasonably expected given the surroundings. But not too discreet either. Still confident but not over confident by any stretch of the means. I also did look genuinely hot and uncomfortable so the shirt removal can be deemed as justifiable. Hmm. What to make of me.
I don't have six-pack abs so it's not as if I trying to show off a brilliantly sculpted body. I'm also not one of those "comfortable in my own skin" fat asses who subjects onlookers to a gut so ample it fails to respond to heavy inhal/exhalations with any movement whatsoever. My girth neither fascinates nor repels, yet you can't look away.
Not quite ready to decide yet? OK fair enough. Have you noticed my shorts? No pleating or plaid to speak of so there goes any hope at comfortably dismissing me as a dork or preppy. Even more perplexing is the absence of cargo, frayed or otherwise, so unfortunately I can't be classified as a stoner or meat head. These shorts are indeterminable in terms of brand name, style, and purchase price. For all you know they could be designer shorts fresh off the Milan runway or those of the $5.99 variety I shoplifted from Target.
Pretty much the same story with my shoes.
Pretty much the same story with my shoes.
Even now as I stand to acknowledge the arrival of a female acquaintance you can't seem to peg as a friend, lover, or former lover your feelings towards me remain as allusive as ever. Assuming for a moment that this woman is my girlfriend would that even help? I mean her face is cute enough but her chest is a little underwhelming to say the least. OK ass. Plus you're not seeing a whole lot in terms of affection between me and this mystery woman so perhaps she's just a friend. She's got kind of an annoying laugh to be a close friend though. Maybe she's my sister. Yeah that's probably it. But then again, what do you think about a guy just hanging out in the park with his sister. It's nice I guess but defiantly not awesome or anything.
So where do we stand, you and I? You think I'm cool don't you?
I'm certainly charming enough. At least it appears that way. Even though I'm not within earshot folks nearby seen genuinely amused by my banter. Well there's one guy that looks a little put off but he's wearing linen pants so he's most certainly an asshole. In fact, his disapproval even helps my cause. If assholes hate me then you should like me because you're not an asshole. You hate assholes. Although the fact that I'm talking loudly enough for others to overhear while not wearing a shirt certainly doesn't bode well, regardless of how witty and personable my demeanor may be.
I'm certainly charming enough. At least it appears that way. Even though I'm not within earshot folks nearby seen genuinely amused by my banter. Well there's one guy that looks a little put off but he's wearing linen pants so he's most certainly an asshole. In fact, his disapproval even helps my cause. If assholes hate me then you should like me because you're not an asshole. You hate assholes. Although the fact that I'm talking loudly enough for others to overhear while not wearing a shirt certainly doesn't bode well, regardless of how witty and personable my demeanor may be.
Admit it. You hate me.
Well, looks like it's time for me to go as I put back on my t-shirt at such an angle that it doesn't give you the pleasure of seeing if it happened to promote any band or product that I may have a strong opinion about. Sorry about that. Doesn't look like this is going to get settled today my confused friend. Perhaps next time I'll wear some kick ass sunglasses or a super gay hat that helps tip the scale one way or the other. Until then either loathe or enjoy the periodic visions of my sweat speckled chest, neither toned nor flabby, and the ceaseless second-guessing that comes with it.
My name is Adam if that helps. I know it doesn't.
Well, looks like it's time for me to go as I put back on my t-shirt at such an angle that it doesn't give you the pleasure of seeing if it happened to promote any band or product that I may have a strong opinion about. Sorry about that. Doesn't look like this is going to get settled today my confused friend. Perhaps next time I'll wear some kick ass sunglasses or a super gay hat that helps tip the scale one way or the other. Until then either loathe or enjoy the periodic visions of my sweat speckled chest, neither toned nor flabby, and the ceaseless second-guessing that comes with it.
My name is Adam if that helps. I know it doesn't.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment