13 punchlines I've heard where I missed the setup / Hilda Offshoot

. . . Well if you would've looked in the freezer you could have saved us both!

. . . Now that's what I call a baker's dozen, cousin!

. . . Was that an echo or is God mocking you?

. . . If I would've known you were a midget I would have ordered half.

. . . It was a ball park figure, not Paul Bark's african american friend.

. . . I'd answer the door if I didn't have to touch that damn knob.

. . . That explains why the sheets are made of meat.

. . . If that's a tumor then call me Cancer Jones!

. . . Oh shit! We left Tina in the Dairy Queen!

. . . Nope. Pretty sure they're all dead.

. . . Rob Lowe Job

. . . I'm sorry. I was told there'd be popsicle trousers.

. . . three boob Charlie.

. . . He may be Chinese but he sure as hell ain't from China!

. . . More like the opposite of James Van Der Beek.

A last minute prophesy / Ned Den

It started out as just an every day excursion, a quick trip to the neighborhood ATM to get some cash. About a half block away from the bank he suddenly got the feeling that something big was about to happen, as if his own fate were reaching down and shaking him awake from his day-to-day stupor through life. His senses were suddenly heightened and he became aware of each step he took, the significant event only a few moments, a few feet, away. Each passerby seemed to do so in slow motion, oblivious to his fast approaching wonderment. Suddenly he could hear far off birds chirping, make out every word of surrounding cell phone chatter, and was cognizant of the sound of tires crunching the gravel on the street. It was seconds away now. He took in a breath through his nose knowing it might be his last as the man he knew. Nothing would ever be the same.

And then it happened.

There, exiting the bank, walking in the opposite direction, was none other than Steve Buscemi.

Larry & Frank / Joan Hype

INT. DINER – MORNING

LARRY (48, unkempt, wearing an old, beat up coat with mismatched hat and scarf) enters, quickly scans the room, and takes a seat in an empty booth. He lifts the menu in front of his face, engrossed.

FRANK (33, handsome and confident, wearing designer winter attire that’s two sizes too big) enters. He stands just inside the door, scanning the room, referring to an unfolded piece of paper. After a moment he notices LARRY and the empty seat across from him. He approached the booth, removes his jacket, and has just begun to slide into the seat when the WAITRESS approaches.

LARRY: Chicken cacciatore and a bowl of clam chowder.

WAITRESS: And for you?

FRANK: (still shifting in his seat, getting comfortable) Coffee, black, and a blueberry muffin. Thanks.

WAITRESS: You got it.

[WAITRESS leaves]

FRANK: So. . . I obviously got your note. Mind telling me what I’m doing here?

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Braille / Duncan Toots

The ATM near my apartment has a message near the keypad written in braille and english that states "This atm offers audio assistance for the visually impaired."

And I suppose that's pretty great. It doesn't explain how it works though. I mean, I see no button that activated this feature. There's no retinal scanner that determines whether or not your eyes work. If I'm blind and I walk up to this ATM and read this message with my fingers what exactly am I supposed to do next?

Do I yell "Activate audi assistance" or do I just state, "Hello. I'm blind and I require $60. My secret pin is 55721. No receipt necessary. Thank you kind money machine."

Of course I don't know for a fact that's what it says in braille. I can't read braille. Perhaps in braille it says, "Press any key twelve times in a row and receive a complimentary $100. Consider it reparation for living life without the gift of site or kudos to those who can see but still learned to read braille for some reason."

My dad explaining Avatar to my uncle / Flinch Hindsight

We saw this movie the other day. Arvantard I think it was. At first I didn't think it would have much of a plot because it was one of those action movies but it turned out to be pretty good. They had these creatures that lived in this, like, fantasy world or something. But the regular people needed their land for gold or some other type of important fuel or treasure. To tell you the truth I don't know what it was they were after but they basically just tore the place to shreds. It was pretty incredible really. Then they had this group of scientists that came up with a way to get into the creatures bodies. They could then control them and try to learn their ways. Well one of these guys was a marine and he ended up becoming their leader basically. The Nabi I think they were called. The creatures I mean. The Nabi. Yeah, I think that was it. Nabi. You know it would be interesting to see if there was an Indian tribe called the Nabi because the whole story was kind of like the Indians here. You know with the land and all that plus they kind of dressed like Indians. They were also really connected to nature. Yeah I remember that. When the Army came and blew up their tree home you could tell that the Nabi were really screwed at that point. Not that we ever did anything that bad to the Indians or anything but the message was pretty clear.

Anyway I thought the movie was really something.