Excerpt from the Sistinass Sessions: Jail / Chantel Chromodom

Two college roommates stand at the kitchen counter of their apartment. It’s late on a week night. Their other roommates have already gone to bed but these two are wide awake. They are not drunk or high or otherwise under the influence.

Mike: What time is it?

Rich: Two something.

M: So now what?

R: [with more than a hint of frustration] I don’t know man.

M: Watch a movie?

R: No. No. No.

M: Why not?

R: We just did that. We need to be doing something. Something different than this.

M: What then?

R: I’m not sure, but it should be sweet.

M: Right.

R: I’ll tell you what I’d like to do.

M: What’s that?

R: I’d like to go to jail.

M: What? Why?

R: Because that’s the easiest way to get things done and figure things out.

M: What do you mean?

R: It’s like this. Here we are right here, right?

M: Sitting in this apartment.

R: Correct.

M: Looking for something to do.

R: Yes. Searching for an idea.

M: But we got nothing.

R: That’s the thing. We don’t have nothing. We have too many things. Too many options.

M: OK.

R: I mean we could watch a movie. We could still hit up last call and grab a drink somewhere. There’s probably some studying that we should be doing. You could call Jamie what’s her face. I could go into my room and rub one out. It goes on and on.

M: Right. So let’s do something!

R: But none of those things are what we should be doing. We should be figuring life out. Philosophying. Documenting our thoughts and ideas on paper, man! Getting to the bottom of all the bullshit. But we sit here.

M: Like idiots.

R: Yes!!! Like a couple of idiots.

M: So how does jail come into play exactly?

R: In jail it’s all laid out for you. It’s all right there. A bare room, a modest bed, and crapper, and your thoughts. That’s what we need.

M: Then you’ll be able to figure it all out?

R: Yes. Here there are too many options. Too much responsibility. In jail you get the solitary factor going for you so you can easily focus. Like a laser beam. High potential for real productivity.

M: OK. But you’re in jail though.

R: Exactly. It would be perfect.

M: But how would you get in jail?

R: I don’t know. Some petty crime or something.

M: It would have to be serious enough to get you thrown into jail though. It couldn’t be shoplifting or anything like that.

R: Maybe I rob a bank, or I beat a guy up pretty bad or something.

M: Who would you beat up?

R: I don’t know. Paul maybe?

M: Paul Withers?

R: Sure. Why not? That guy is kind a prick. Could use a good ass kicking.

M: So you kick the shit out of Paul Withers, get charged with assault and battery or something, get convicted, get thrown into jail, and then figure out the secret to life.

R: Pretty much, yeah. That's the idea. I’m not necessarily saying I’ll figure out the secret to life or anything. I’m just saying that jail would be the perfect environment for that. Jail is the place to really get stuff done. It would be so much easier.

M: Right. Too many restrictions here in the real world.

R: Yes! Exactly. Now you get it. It’s like we’re in some sort of prison here or something.

M: Uh huh.

R: And I want the freedom that jail provides.

M: [dumbfounded / speechless]

R: Until I get thrown into jail, I’m fucked. It’s all pointless.

M: So. . . You want to go track down Paul Withers?

R: Not tonight. It's too late. Maybe tomorrow.

M: Big Lebowski then?

R: Sure.